(Clearwisdom.net) For some time I was in a state of self-cultivation. I thought I was following Teacher's instruction to cultivate one's inner self. (In fact, I was not really cultivating myself). I saw that other practitioners had many conflicts among themselves, and it was difficult for them to communicate and understand each other with kindness. I thought to myself that maybe it was better to cultivate by myself. After some time, I found that my xinxing had not improved. An incident that occurred later helped me have a deeper understanding of cultivating one's inner self.
Here is what happened. I had an argument with my wife, who is also a practitioner, over a particular issue. I thought that on this issue, she was not considerate and was very selfish and that her thoughts did not meet the standard of a cultivator. I tried sharing my thoughts with her, but we couldn't agree. Our discussion turned into a fight. I didn't maintain my xinxing well and lost my temper. Afterwards, I still thought it was my wife's fault, because I was sincerely trying to help her improve her understanding. Even though my tone and attitude were not very good, how could she be so unreasonable and difficult? I thought: "Well, her cultivation is her responsibility. Let me concentrate on my own cultivation." Just like that, I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to other practitioners. I was cultivating in a world of my own notions.
Shortly afterwards, my wife and I argued about the same issue again. I still believed that she was thinking of herself and that she was inconsiderate and selfish. I thought that her actions would have a negative impact on practitioners' image. But when I talked with her about this, I couldn't help getting into an argument with her again. Since I felt that my thoughts were on the Fa, my tone got harsher and harsher. In the end, I totally lost control of myself and was furious. I behaved with a demonic nature. Later, other practitioners reminded me that what I did was wrong. I also felt that I hadn't conducted myself well. But how come I couldn't do well after years of cultivation?
That night when I was studying the Fa, I came across this sentence:
"In genuine cultivation practice one must cultivate one's own heart and inner self. One should search inside oneself rather than outside." (Zhuan Falun)
I felt an awakening. Yes, on this matter, I stressed and held onto my own opinion. I tried to force my wife to accept my understanding. I used my own notions to judge others, and I wanted others to do things my way. I wanted to change other people but didn't attempt to change myself. When conflicts arose, I didn't look inward to find the root of my attachments. Instead, I used the excuse of "cultivating myself" to cover my attachments. Through Fa study, I realized that every conflict happens for a reason. Everything is part of our cultivation environment. Without this environment, how could the demonic nature and other bad things hidden in me be exposed? How do I get rid of my attachments? How do I improve my xinxing? I also realized that cultivating one's inner self does not mean that we cultivate in isolation so that we can escape from reality and avoid conflicts. Cultivation is not just studying some theory and practicing the exercises. It means looking inside in any environment and truly cultivating ourselves.
After I understood the Fa at this level and found my attachments, it was very easy to communicate with my wife, and the issue that had caused our conflict was resolved. Later on I realized that oftentimes my wife was considerate of others in many things. She is also strict with herself in cultivation and is very diligent.
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