(Clearwisdom.net) One day, I met a fellow practitioner on the street. She looked somewhat tired. She told me that she had been in a conflict with another practitioner. When she talked, although she attempted to look within for her own problems, she could not hide her disappointment. It looked like she was hurt badly by the other practitioner. After listening to her, I felt that the other practitioner indeed went too far and hurt her feelings.
I offered my opinion. I also remembered Master's teaching in "Teaching the Fa at the Eastern U.S. Fa Conference" (1999): "When two people have a conflict and a third person sees it, even that third person should think about whether there are any problems on his part--'Why did I happen to see it?'" When I looked at myself, I wondered: "I am also familiar with the other practitioner. He is a good practitioner with a high xinxing standard. How could he hurt a fellow practitioner so badly?"
Several days later, I ran into the other practitioner and he explained the whole process of the argument. After that, I became even more confused. Although both of them were talking about the same incident, their descriptions and interpretations were so different. If I did not know something about their states of cultivation, I may have concluded that they exaggerated things or were lying just like ordinary people. But I knew both of them well. Although they still had emotions in conflict, they were honestly telling the truth from their own angles.
I wondered, what was the problem then? Why did I have a feeling that they were not being entirely truthful? Their stories were indeed very different. But I also trusted these fellow practitioners; they are both truthful and incapable of telling lies.
I have practiced Dafa for more than ten years and have worked on relinquishing my old "judgmental" mentality. I also learned not to differentiate between who is right and who is wrong during a conflict. I understand a Fa principle: Whenever a conflict arises, it is an opportunity to improve oneself. Therefore, we should not judge right and wrong per the everyday human standard. From this incident, I also found that my self-righteous mentality was touched. When the first practitioner complained that she was hurt, I thought: "How could he be so rude?" When the second practitioner told me how the first practitioner talked with a "big ego," I also thought: "How could she hurt fellow practitioners with such harsh language?"
Afterward, I told myself: I have to draw lessons from this, cultivate my own compassion and avoid hurting fellow practitioners. Soon, this incident became water under the bridge.
One day, I was talking to another practitioner. We talked about a machine part that I had bought some time ago. I could not recall the purchase date, so he reminded me: "You forgot? The day you bought the part, an unpleasant argument erupted between us. Your behavior was quite disappointing; your words were very harsh and hurtful. I had to stay away for a while and let you cool off. Remember?"
I was in shock and speechless. This practitioner thought that I really forgot; he began to repeat the story. I stood there silently. But inside, I was not calm at all. I thought: "How could he ignore the facts? That incident hurt me badly. It took me a while before I calmed down. I even wanted to tell him how his lack of compassion had caused so many hard feelings with other practitioners. Later, I discovered some jealousy in my mind that complicated the matter. I had to let go of this and calm down. But how could he be the one to have felt hurt?
After that, I began to feel bad. I had no idea that my behavior caused so much pain and that he could not forget about it after so long. But now it had left a dark shadow in his heart.
But why did I feel hurt about the incident? I thought that I could let go of this perceived unfair treatment and hurt. I then felt that my own heart was becoming bigger and my xinxing level was raised higher. I thought that I got rid of some more human mentality and passed a test. It never occurred to me that he was the one who got hurt!
I recalled the two practitioners who both complained to me about each other. I suddenly understood why I felt both sides were not telling the truth.
In the past, I observed conflict with the mentality of a victim, and looked at things from my own perspective. From that angle I often dumped my feelings onto another practitioner. It became a complaint from a wounded soul. The fellow practitioner said: "I had to stay away for a while and let you cool off." Although I hurt his feelings, he meant to be very tolerant. But if I were to describe the event with a victim mentality, it would have been completely different: "He was so upset that he slammed the door and left." (Intolerant, rude behavior.) Looking at the same event from different angles, the conclusions one comes to are different. If I insist that I get hurt and people should feel sorry for me, then my expression will deliver a message which is far away from the facts. It would then be the notions of a wounded heart, unfairness and self pity and that are describing a simple conflict.
Realizing this, I felt like I was taking off a heavy shell from my body. I clearly saw my real selfish heart and the inappropriate notions I had carried for years. For a long time, I tried to eliminate my human mentality by using existing notions, and cultivated my "compassion" within the context of my emotions. During conflicts, I always positioned myself as a weaker, innocent victim. First, I would consider myself to be the one who should forgive, tolerate and understand others. Then I would look within for my own jealous and competitive nature. So I then convinced myself that I was greater and more tolerant than others.
But I failed to put myself in others' shoes and understand their perspective. I did not consider how others might feel I had hurt them. I should eliminate my "selfishness" from the root level, and think about others all the time. I should unconditionally look within for my own problems.
Sometimes, when a conflict arose, I did not feel hurt. But I harbored the attitude of being "holier than thou" before finding my own attachment and problems. I still assumed others were wrong and could not understand their thinking. I found it hard to only look for my own problems.
Master told us in "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference,"
"You don't want to hear displeasing things, you only want to hear pleasing things, and [you say or act like] "I can't stand it when other people irritate me." Think about it, everyone, isn't it ordinary people who, living in the ordinary world, care about enjoying those pleasing things and who enjoy hearing pleasing words? You're a cultivator, so do you want those ordinary things? Let me tell you, since you're cultivators and you're among ordinary people, you just have to listen to those displeasing words, and you have to be able to listen to those displeasing words. (Applause) Otherwise, when you haven't even resolved this most basic cultivation issue, how could you call yourself a Dafa disciple?"
I found that my human notions possessed the following nature: When I heard a compliment which fulfilled my need for fame, my notion of happiness would emerge. I then added some fantasy to embellish it and enjoyed the good feeling. When I heard a criticism, or a negative comment, I would become upset and anxious. If I did not have a chance to "dump off" these feelings, then I felt even more hurt. The victim mentality would then occupy my mind. Gradually I even developed a fantasy, in my mind, about two small persons attacking each other using harsh language.
After I became a coordinator, I often received feedback from other practitioners. Once I received a letter from a practitioner who shared his understanding on a controversial issue. Glancing through the letter, several harsh words came to my attention. They were so angry that they stirred up my own emotion. I decided to reply. As I typed quickly, I decided to quote some of the angry words to serve as targets for my points. But strangely, I could not find the words. I read the letter several times but still did not find the words. I calmed down and thought: "Is this a correct state of mind for a cultivator? A letter could excite my heart that much. What attachment was this? Why did I imagine these angry words?"
In reality, this was a case in which an imaginary scenario was invented by my human emotion. Using this imagination and following my strong attachments, I developed an irrational thought. I also recalled the conflict in which both those involved felt like victims. Master told us in "Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Boston":
"So sometimes we shouldn't 'burrow into the horn's point' with strong everyday people's attachments, be unable to get out of it for a long time, and get more attached the more we think about it--the more you think about it the more your mind seethes, and the more you think about it the more demons take advantage of you. When you're not coolheaded, I'll tell you, that's when demons are using you. I don't care how long you've cultivated for, and it doesn't matter what reputation you have among Dafa disciples, I can guarantee that's what's going on when you're not paying attention to these things."
Now, I stop reading other's letters when something bothers me and put them down for a while, instead of replying right away. I think about why the letter bothers me, what sentimentality is arising, and what notions lie behind it. I then eliminate the notions with righteous thoughts. I leave no room for imagination. After a while, I read the letter again and have a different feeling. The words that touched my heart before turn out to be quite reasonable. They give me a more thorough understanding from another angle.
Recalling conflicts with fellow practitioners, I often pointed out what was wrong with others and emphasized my own correct points. Sometimes I even added my own guesswork and imagination, driven by human notions, and left my own emotions unchecked. Then things would get out of control, and I ended up talking about my feelings all the time.
After more than ten years of cultivation, my mind has become a lot cleaner. When my heart is pure, I can feel other's true thoughts. So I must be aware of every thought, look at things with Fa principles, stay alert and never allow my notions and everyday mentalities to run rampant.
October 9, 2007
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