(Clearwisdom.net) A big portion of fellow practitioners' articles on Minghui share experiences about righteous thoughts and righteous deeds, clarifying the truth, and advising people to withdraw from the CCP and its affiliated organizations. Some mention resistance from their families with only a few words. Rapidly changing the unfavorable situation at home for fellow practitioners is only a small test and small hardship; they passed the test with ease. But I have been trapped in family tribulations and could not free myself for several years. For several years under the evil persecution, many fellow practitioners around me whom I have known for a long time, because of interference by their family members, some of them have not yet walked into the Fa rectification even today. They are bearing more or less the dual pressure from the evil CCP and their family members, and I am one of them. On the path of cultivation although I do not have the experience of success to talk about, I have many lessons. I also wanted to write it down to remind me during my future cultivation.
I started practicing Falun Gong in June of 1997 and I can be considered a veteran practitioner. But when looking back on my cultivation, I felt that I am not worthy of the title of a Dafa practitioner during the Fa rectification period, and I am not worthy of Master's salvation. Before I started practicing Falun Gong, I was physically weak with many illnesses. I became healthy both physically and mentally after I started practicing Falun Gong. After July 20, 1999, the CCP's overwhelming suppression and their evil propaganda made my husband, who did not support me practicing Falun Gong originally, interfere with my practice. He was hot tempered. He often made improper remarks about Dafa and Master and I did not yield to him a little bit; we often had conflicts with loud arguments. But since the police had not looked for me, he reluctantly allowed me do the exercises and read Falun Gong books at home. On New Year's Day 2000, I thought that so many Dafa practitioners had gone to Beijing to validate Dafa but I had not been able to go, so several fellow practitioners and I made some posters and put them out on the street. During the next several days I saw the police investigating. I was really happy in my mind and at the same time I was afraid. Now when I think back, I was doing the Dafa work with ordinary people's mentality.
Not long afterwards, I was taken advantage of. At the police station, under the pressure from the police and in front of family members with tears, I did not control my xinxing well and I yielded to the evil authorities by signing a guarantee statement against my will, and I disclosed the source of the truth clarification CDs in my hand. This led my fellow practitioners to be destitute and homeless for several years. Now when I think about this I still feel pain in my mind.
After I returned home, I found that all my Falun Gong books had been burned by my family and thereafter I could not read Falun Gong books, could not listen to Master's teaching and could not get in touch with fellow practitioners anymore. My mind seemed to be totally empty and the feeling of being lost, helpless and bitterly repentant could not be expressed with words. It seemed that living was worse than dying. I was like a stray orphaned wild goose, every day listless with the mind not knowing what to think. Each passing day felt like a year. My husband's temperament also became worse. Because 5,000 Yuan was extorted by the police, he scolded me whenever he wanted and he also beat me and kicked me, not to mention refusing to allow me to practice Falun Gong. However, I could bear it when he hit and scolded me. When he slandered Dafa and Master, I knew that he was creating karma for himself, I reasoned with him and told him with anger that good will be rewarded and bad will be paid with retribution. He thought that I was cursing him. We were trapped in a marathon-like dispute.
This lasted until 2003 when fellow practitioners gave me two copies of Master's new lecture. I read Master's lecture like a child finally finding her mother after being lost for a long time. My eyes blurred with tears several times. I found home, I could again read Minghui articles and listen to Master's teaching! Through studying the Fa I developed new understandings and came to understand the sacred mission of the Dafa practitioners of the Fa rectification period. Master placed us in position before July 20, 1999 and we did not go through any difficulties. Why? It was for us to help Master to rectify the Fa when the evils started to persecute Dafa, for us to save lives! I came to understand the principle of the Fa; but doing it was still very difficult.
I remember that at the beginning, when I had truth clarifying material at home, I was nervous; I was afraid the police or my husband would find out. I looked forward to having materials when I did not have any, but I was nervous when I had the material. During the Fa rectification process I gradually discarded the mentality of fear and matured. With Master's benevolent protection, I was able to smoothly explain the truth to various people including blind people and people with hearing disabilities; I let all of them know that Dafa is good. One time I talked to a person for quite a long time and I learned afterwards that he worked for a newspaper. In brief, I thought that clarifying the truth to other people was much easier than doing so to family members.
During this year's summer vacation, I clarified the truth to a high school neighbor girl and advised her to withdraw from the CCP and its affiliated organizations. The next day her mother told my husband about it and my husband beat me. Sometime later when I was telling the truth to an old couple, they wanted to learn more about Falun Gong and I lent them my tapes of Master's lectures. When they returned the tape they forgot my words and gave the tape to my husband. He beat me again. Another time a fellow practitioner gave me copies of truth material and the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party. I did not hide the material well and my husband discovered them and he beat me ruthlessly again. He asked me where the materials had came from while he was beating me. I did not say anything. His fists then fell ruthlessly on my head and body and he kicked me wearing his leather boots. He kicked me right on my tail bone and the pain was heart piercing; I was not able to sit and stand for about a month. Worst of all, after he beat me, not giving any thought about my unbearable pain, he forced me to have sex with him.. What is the difference of that from rape? I hated this man and felt that all the evil gathered on him; that he he did something that the evil police were not able to do in damaging Dafa. In despair I cried loudly and squeezed the words "Divorce" out of my teeth. He said, "You either die or go to labor camp. Don't even think about divorce!"
After I calmed down later, I kept thinking back and forth, "Why does the evil manipulate him to control me so tightly? I would encounter hardship as soon as I started to do something and I am prevented from doing the three things by him. Why was this arranged for me?" "I can not change him and I am not able to divorce him. What should I do?" Because I did not study the Fa well, my sending forth righteous thoughts did not achieve powerful effects. Later, Master's words that Dafa practitioners are one body came to my mind. I then asked fellow practitioners to send forth righteous thought to eliminate all the evil in my space. The situation had then changed for better, but still not enough.
When I had exhausted all I could do, two fellow practitioners whom I had not seen for several years came to my home. We talked for a long time and my mind opened up. I was really grateful for Master's arrangement and I came to understand the reasons why I had been stumbling for several years. I had been using ordinary people's mentalities and trying to battle with the person who created trouble for me. When I saw him being troubled in his life or work I would have a trace of excitement, thinking that he had received retribution. I treated the persecution as the persecution of human against human and I hated the harm he did to me each time. Through sharing I came to understand that the hatred had almost destroyed him and had also nearly destroyed me. During the years of scolding and abuse, the evils used him to interfere with me and he by himself also stepped close to the dangerous edge without knowing it. I did not save him, instead I pushed him to the opposite side. He also came for the Fa and behind him are also countless lives longing to be saved. Is it the case that what I had done had followed the path arranged by the old forces? Can a person be counted as a cultivator without kindness and tolerance? After reading the articles written by fellow practitioners about their past lives, I thought that during life after life of waiting in the past, my husband and I must have a very complicated predestined relationship. Under the overwhelming propaganda, isn't he also a victim? How can I hate him?
When I eliminated the mentality of hatred, and looked at my husband again I felt pity for him. I stopped going against his stubbornness and I started caring about him in daily life. I sent forth righteous thought to eliminate the evil manipulating him behind the scenes. When he is not home in the morning or the evening, I copy paragraphs of Zhuan Falun on paper and put it in my pocket; I try to memorize the teaching whenever I have time during the day. Talking about memorizing Zhuan Falun and sending forth righteous thoughts, thought karma interfered with me in a big way. It was very often that before I finished reciting the verses of sending forth righteous thought my mind had drifted away. I realized that it was interference from the thought karma hidden deeply, and I sent forth righteous thought to eliminate them, "No matter what you are thinking, that thought is not me because my main consciousness is sending forth righteous thought here to eliminate the evil, all interference is to be eliminated."
Coming to understand the principle of the Fa, I was determined to discard my ordinary people's mentalities and attachments, and save every predestined life whom we should save. Talking about benevolence, an experience came to my mind. In the first six months, I had a big conflict with my husband. One night I had a dream that we were traveling and stayed in a hotel. Outside of the window was a wide river with several lotus flowers decorating it, some in full blossom and some still in buds, but the river and the lotus flower were all frozen. After I woke up I suddenly realize that Master was giving me hint that I did not have enough compassion.
"Compassion can harmonize Heaven and Earth, ushering in spring Righteous thoughts can save the people in this world" ("The Fa Rectifies the Cosmos" in Hong Yin II)
I found my attachment and thought that I was not wrong clarifying the truth and it was my husband who was interfering with me; I had not realized that he was also a life whom I should save and I did not treat the conflict with righteous thoughts. Because of that I had been trapped by interference from my family, and could not get out for several years.
Master said that there is still a chance as long as the Fa rectification has not concluded. I will diligently use this last chance to walk out of the family's erroneous zone, and create a favorable cultivation environment. I will also explain the truth to my husband at the right time and change him with benevolence, like Master taught us,
"I just don't believe their consciences are irretrievably lost."
("For the Good of the World")
I will do it even though it may be very difficult.
I have not submitted any articles to Minghui website before. Today I wrote this article to share with fellow practitioners, to encourage myself to walk the path of Fa rectification well and to be worthy of Master's salvation. Please point out any of my mistakes.
January 21, 2007
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