(Clearwisdom.net) I was reciting Zhuan Falun one day. When I got to the part, "Thus, it is impossible if you only wish to gain things" ("Lecture One" in Zhuan Falun),
I missed that sentence, not only once, but several times. I carefully examined the sentence and suddenly realized that Teacher was giving me a hint - I had something I did not let go of.
What was that something? I found a very stubborn attachment: the attachment to consummation and to raising my level. Thus, I was never able to balance the relationship between Dafa, sentient beings, and myself. I set my own restrictions in the area of personal cultivation. I understood from the Fa principles to place Dafa and sentient beings as priority. The nature of beings in the new cosmos is selfless and altruistic. But once it was put into action, my sense of "self" was quite strong.
When I clarified the truth to people, my subconscious priority was to protect myself. When I did the three things, subconsciously I did them to raise my level. I could feel those things, but couldn't break away from my ego controlling me. Even today, I still have not put my home environment right. I know it is caused by self-interest, fear and pursuit of comfort and ease. But I simply could not take the first step to make a change. I always felt that something was holding me back. It must be certain human notions or a specific human mindset that blocked me. Teacher also gave me a hint in my dream that I had an omission, but I could not find it. When I recited the Fa today, I suddenly realized it and found that deeply hidden and hard-to-find attachment. Once again, I understood how essential it is to study and recite the Fa!
Living among everyday people, whether it is my personality or my ability, I have always been weak. In order to protect myself as much as possible, I have developed a way of interacting with people and doing things: no fighting with anyone, no competing, accepting losses, compromising for the sake of others; flattering people, etc. In short, I was a classic example of self-protection! I was like a snail without much capability and only knew to protect itself under a hard shell to avoid being hurt. I was like that.
I could give up certain interests, but I would not permit anyone to hurt my most essential and most important things. A thick hard shell protected them. My attachment to ego and raising my level are like those things and I put them within the hard shell. I also realized why ordinary people thought I was able to accept losses and saw me as selfless, while people closest to me thought I was very selfish and my most obvious behavior was that I did not care about other people.
Teacher said,
"It is a principle of this universe that nobody should interfere with what you pursue."
("Lecture One" in Zhuan Falun)
I understood why the attachments to raising level and reaching consummation were so stubborn and hard to let go of - because I had protected them in that hard shell and I wanted them. Teacher wanted to help me get rid of them, but I didn't take a solid step.
I have also realized that the strength of my protection habit has seriously blocked my cultivation path. I was the kind of person who firmly held on to my basic interests, and wouldn't let anyone touch them. I've always covered up my attachments with excuses.
It took me so long to realize my problem, and during the process I also understood something else - a puzzling issue: I originally believed that I was a person who did not care much about fame or money, and I was diligent in cultivation, but at this late stage of cultivation, I felt I had become a person with deep human attachments.
These attachments blocked my cultivation path, causing a slowdown, making it hard to rid myself of the control of the old forces. I also found that this strong need for protection has formed a fixed mindset. Consciously or unconsciously, I had to defend and protect myself. Now I am going to let go of this mindset, as well as the hard shell and all the attachments hidden within.
During the process of introspection, I realized that I didn't fully understand the pursuit of comfort and ease. In fact, this pursuit is a strong attachment of mine, as well as another fundamental attachment. Because I have become so used to it, I have not clearly seen through it, which also became a big obstacle in my cultivation path. From now on I will diligently strive forward, let go of the pursuit of comfort, and do the three things well. I will not disappoint Teacher's merciful salvation.
I wrote the above things in hope of help practitioners who have similar attachments. If there is anything inappropriate, please kindly point it out.
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