(Clearwisdom.net) Recently, I hid at my sister's house for two days because I failed to guard my xinxing following a minor conflict with a fellow practitioner who works with me. I returned home after my mind had cleared. Others were not able to understand my extreme behavior, because they had previously thought I did not generally fight with others even when someone points out my shortcomings, and that I seemed very tolerant of others. Why did I get so angry? After Master gave me some benevolent hints and after discussing it with fellow practitioners, I was gradually able to recognize what was behind my calm surface demeanor: an attachment to fame and personal gain.
Before I started to cultivate, almost no one was able to interpret my real feelings from my facial expressions. I had always thought that this was my biggest personality asset, which kept me from having my feelings hurt, and I was very proud of this.
After I started to cultivate, this deviated mentality was still deeply rooted in my personality. On the surface, I seemed to never panic or fight with others, but deep down inside, I was very upset, still holding on tightly to my attachments and refusing to change. Since I did not openly argue with others, my fellow cultivators thought that I was cultivating well and I felt proud when they commented that I never argued. In fact, this was all pretense until now because I have not cultivated this part of myself very well.
This time, my conflict with that fellow practitioner touched my deeply-hidden attachments to fame and personal gain. My blood was boiling, and I could not pretend any longer. I no longer cared how the other practitioner thought of me or about my responsibility as a Dafa practitioner, and I ran away from the problem in the end.
Recalling this incident, I recognize that it was very dangerous, because I had not genuinely cultivated away this attachment and had left a huge gap! I want to sincerely thank our great Master for his benevolence towards his disciples. Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
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