(Clearwisdom.net) I began practicing Falun Gong later than others, so I did not cultivate much during the period of personal cultivation. After 1999, due to the Chinese Communist Party's persecution, my living conditions deteriorated considerably. Because of my human notions, I developed a strong attachment to pursuit. I felt that as long as I cultivate Dafa well, anything in my life should be very smooth. In addition, I read in many articles that not only the sicknesses of fellow practitioners were healed, but that they also were able to easily find jobs, even good jobs with higher pay. Even ordinary people who learned the truth would sell commodities faster then their peers. I read about it, and even though I did not think about it on the surface, deep in my mind I developed the attachment for obtaining benefits from Dafa. That is, if I cultivate Dafa well, Dafa will definitely allow me to find a good job. If I conduct business, the business will definitely be prosperous and my living conditions will improve.
Someone said that if Dafa is so powerful why are we still subjected to persecution? Isn't that saying that if we cultivate Dafa we will all reach consummation? Then why should we clarify the facts about Falun Gong? I object to these discussions because I think they are very impure. Isn't it like negotiating with Dafa for gaining things? However, I did not look at myself and thought my mind was pure. Yet were my thoughts really any different from others?
After I started cultivating, my life and work revolved around Dafa. But the question was, do my living conditions and job really have to become better? Should we judge good or bad from the view of an ordinary person? Also, everyone's situation is different. Everything had been arranged according to various situations before we decided to come here, and it was not necessarily arranged according to virtue and karma. Of course, we must send forth righteous thoughts and eliminate the evil behind the persecution.
I know I have to eliminate karma, but I still do not want to endure a difficult life, and I still want everything to be smooth. In fact, what truly does smooth mean? I think as long as we can do the three things well that is the best thing! That is the greatest wellbeing that Dafa has given us! The so-called smooth or difficult situations in the human world are predestined, and fundamentally this should not have any bearing on Dafa practitioners. As cultivators of Dafa, we should not think about our living conditions being good or bad, which are standards of ordinary people. Cultivating Dafa is not the direct cause of one's living conditions. Each cultivator's life has been arranged by Dafa. If we only want to live comfortably, how can that be? Therefore, even if one is cultivating Dafa, that has nothing to do with whether one does better or worse in life or has more or less money than others. Everything is possible. I previously had an incorrect understanding and thought that only if I had money could I validate Dafa better! Therefore, I had to have money, and I should have a lot of money. If I was short on money, there must be something wrong. In the end, I was still hoping that my living condition and business would improve, even though on the surface, I did not directly pursue this. The result was that my business got worse and worse, and in the end it could no longer be maintained.
At this stage, I still did not think about finding another job, and still hoped that Dafa would help me, thus I acted like an ordinary person, being selfish and asking for benefits from Dafa. I thought that since I am cultivating Dafa, everything must get better. It wasn't meant to be, and my wife threatened to divorce me. I went to a job interview, and surprisingly I was hired and received a decent monthly salary. Even though it was not much it was enough for me. But this incident had hit me pretty hard. It seemed as though I was controlled by two lives, one was on the surface and one was in the darkness. The one on the surface told me, when I had a clear mind, that there must have been a reason that my business did not succeed. The one in the darkness told me that Master and Dafa were not taking care of me. Yet that thought gradually gained control over me, and then I started to complain in my heart and I developed hatred, blaming Master and Dafa.
Since I spent a great deal of energy on my business, I was also able to connect with lots of people and successfully persuade them to quit the Communist Party and its affiliated organizations. I clarified the facts and therefore felt that my business should continue to exist. I thought that Master should not allow it to fail, but in the end it failed and I felt very defeated. I constantly complained and almost could not see what was in front of my eyes. I knew it was not right, but I could not break through it. I felt that I had seriously fallen. I previously studied the Fa, tried my best to send forth righteous thoughts, and often practiced the exercises. Now I didn't talk much and was not motivated to pick up any Falun Dafa books. I almost lost the concept of sending forth righteous thoughts at the established times, not to mention not having any motivation to do the exercises. Fa-rectification has reached this stage, yet I changed into such a state. I often thought to myself, "Am I to leave such a lesson to the future people?" Yet I had not resigned to it and felt that because of my weakness, I must have added much difficulty to Master's Fa-rectification. I was in pain and thought that it might be better to not have me around, as then perhaps other people would not be like me.
In the middle of this muddle-headed state, one night I dreamed that I was some official in a small very tattered and backward village. The village only had narrow dirty roads, and every house was built with dirt brick walls, and they were all tattered, unorganized and primitive. After I woke up, I thought that this was such a clear dream, was this my own world? Others dreamed about beautiful worlds, but in my dream I only saw tombs with skeletons, dark and strange palaces, lifeless deserts, and old and poor villages. Maybe this was a true reflection of my realm.
This incident that almost brought me down, completely changed my thoughts about gaining self interest and hope for a better life from Dafa. Finally, I can face my life with reason, not aimlessly regard Dafa as a protection for my own interests in ordinary society. Yet this wrong mindset had accompanied me for three to four years. I could not properly treat the relationship between Dafa and my job in ordinary society. I also misunderstood Master's relevant Fa lectures. Now I finally realize this. Dafa and Master protect me during my cultivation, instead of my living conditions. As long as I can do the three things well, no matter how bad my life seems to be, or how many tribulations I encounter, I am still under the protection of Master.
I hope that fellow practitioners who live in difficult situations can also face them properly, understand the relationship between cultivation, job and life, and not walk a precarious way as I did. If I have not understood anything properly, fellow practitioners please kindly point it out. Heshi!
May 20, 2007
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