(Clearwisdom.net) I have practiced Falun Gong since August 1995, but only recently realized that I still have many human attachments to eliminate, especially when I run into conflicts with others. I usually pick on others' mistakes, instead of looking inward.
Not long ago, my daughter's piano teacher informed me that my daughter hadn't finished her homework on time and asked for our cooperation to ensure that my daughter practiced piano for at least two hours every day. When I told my daughter what her piano teacher said and asked her to follow her teacher's requirement, she started crying and told me that she didn't want to play the piano any more. I replied back that we would sell the piano unless she played well. After hearing this, she closed the door to her room and wouldn't speak to me. I pushed her door open and tried to talk to her again, but she got really upset and said "You never really care about me. You don't need to worry about me any more." Then she pointed at my nose with her finger and yelled at me to leave her room. My husband also blamed me, saying "Whenever you talk, you blame others. How can people put up with you?" As usual, I had a big fight with him, pointed at his nose with my finger and yelled "You spoiled her. You should take full responsibility."
Later I calmed down, realizing that both my daughter and husband were reminding me that I had serious shortcomings in my cultivation. Since July 20, 1999 [when the persecution of Falun Gong began], I have been detained on several occasions and therefore not able to take care of my husband and daughter. My husband had to take care of everything related to my daughter's daily life. When my situation improved, I didn't put much attention on them with the excuse of performing activities for Dafa. Even when my daughter started calling me by my full name, I didn't realize the severity of the problem.
Then I read an article from the Minghui Weekly, which said "Children are a reflection of their parents" and suddenly realized how much my daughter's behavior mirrored mine. Whenever I discuss her problems, I always speak like a machine gun [loud, fast, and straight]. My daughter would not accept what I said, rather she would do things in the opposite manner. I talked at home like a high-volume audio speaker. In my workplace, when I spoke in my office, it was certain that everyone on the same floor could hear me clearly. Even my fellow practitioners would avoid staying with me, but I interpreted their actions to be attachments to fear. When I saw other practitioners doing or saying things differently from my understanding of the Fa, I would feel uncomfortable and would interrupt them immediately. After our Fa-study group resumed, a practitioner pointed out my problem: "You always speak with others in a superior tone, which is your professional habit." After hearing this, I said my thanks to that practitioner, but didn't take it very seriously. On the surface, I did restrain myself; but I indeed covered up my attachment.
I'm not performing according to the standards of a real cultivator. I realize that I have fallen far behind to be a real cultivator . Because of my shortcomings, I'm sure that I have missed many opportunities to clarify the truth. I'm not sure how many of my fellow practitioners have alienated me.
"In the course of our cultivation practice, you must clean out various bad things in your body so that you can move up. This characteristic of the universe exactly plays this role. If you do not cultivate your xinxing or upgrade your moral standard, or if your ill thoughts and bad substances have not been removed, it will not let you ascend." ("Why Doesn't Your Gong Increase with Your Practice?" Lecture One, Zhuan Falun, 2000 version)
Since I am a Falun Gong practitioner, I must follow high standards, not the ordinary ones, in order to deal with the conflicts I am confronted with. I thought "What would I look like if I eliminated all the bad things?" I realize that I'm far away from what Teacher taught us about how a lady should be - gentle and tender.
During a period of continuously studying the Fa and sharing with my fellow practitioners, I clearly understand that I, as a true Dafa practitioner, have to give up all those deep-rooted bad habits. Although I have cultivated for eleven years, only now have I clearly realized that I can save people only when I'm diligent. No matter what I think or do, I should always put the Fa and saving sentiment beings as my highest priority. My family members and friends are all beings I have to save.
My bad attitude towards my daughter and husband has disappeared. Whenever I want say something, I consider that whatever I say should carry a compassionate wave and righteous energy, and I am just the source of the compassionate wave. When I accomplish this, I feel my heart capacity expanded. The feeling of forgiveness is wonderful. I am getting close to my daughter again and my husband treats me better as well.
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Category: Improving Oneself
