(Clearwisdom.net) Another practitioner and I were headed out to work on a truth clarification project, and I was focusing on the road because I am not a very good driver. The other practitioner said immediately, "I think that you are very self-centered. You never stop to talk to me or ask me questions or ask me how my day is going, etc.," with a lot of emotion behind it. So, I basically stopped and thought, "Am I really that selfish? I have never even thought of myself as being selfish, but the old cosmos was formed on selfishness so I must have some of those old elements that I have not fully cultivated away."
The other practitioner, I think, was speaking about something different than what I was thinking about, which was more on a superficial level just based on small talk. Also, that practitioner didn't feel like he was involved in this issue at all and that it was my conflict. At first I felt that the way he had acted was wrong and I wanted to defend myself, but then I felt that this was a direct message from Teacher. It forced me to look within. The other practitioner went to take care of some things, and as I sat silently for 15 minutes, thoughts ran through my mind about what I could say back to him. At that moment, the thought came to me, "Is this looking within? How is this cultivating?"
When I looked deeper, I found that I did have attachments to self. I had not really thought in depth about this issue--the attachment to self--and did not consider myself a selfish person. However, looking at my actions over the previous few months, I would indeed consider my thinking to be selfish. For example, when I did a project, I oftentimes looked at it as a chore rather than with the thought of saving sentient beings. Also, my thoughts were not always on the Fa, and they also often gravitated towards ordinary matters.
Why did I come to this world? I'm not here to validate myself or live a comfortable life free of stress and worry. My actions of late were very sluggish and I was tired, so I took the easy way out and did things lazily rather than thoroughly.
Afterwards, I thanked Teacher for pointing out a fundamental attachment. Of late, I had not been looking at certain aspects of my life righteously. Instead of looking at certain things as tests that I needed to pass, I looked at them with an ordinary human mindset and unconsciously regarded them as mere coincidence. I feel that I was in a dangerous state.
Earlier this year I came across some tribulations that I did not handle well. I went to extremes in my life and failed to realize it. I slacked off in Fa study and I did not follow Teacher's requirements. I became lazy and despondent. I became very despondent and had thoughts that I could not complete my cultivation, making me very anxious. The old forces then capitalized on this and made things in my life spiral out of control. As a result, interference came into my life and I had to even go so far as to leave my house at the time. Now I live in an area with more practitioners.
My understanding is that Teacher does not want to leave one sentient being behind, let alone a practitioner. Thus, in terms of the Fa's requirements, my thinking was way off. I see that I was being very selfish because I was only thinking about myself rather than sentient beings.
When I got out of the car, I felt as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. However, knowing my attachment now, I feel that I need to walk a more diligent path and really try to follow Teacher's arrangements more carefully.
Also, I would like to add that, among other practitioners, I think that we should look at each other compassionately because we are all cultivating. I am referring to the first paragraph in which the other practitioner said that I was being selfish. I had some negative thoughts toward this practitioner in certain regards. Some practitioners say things or perhaps even think negative things against other practitioners. My understanding, that in another dimension, this can cause a rift that separates us from one another. Thus, the old forces will seize upon this and expand upon this gap.
Please point out any misconceptions.
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Category: Journeys of Cultivation
