(Clearwisdom.net) I started to be involved in Minghui Broadcasting towards the end of 2005. My job was to do a 10-minute interview program once a week. I have been doing that for a year and a half. I would like to share some of my understandings and experiences.
1. Let Go of Attachment to Ability
When I first started, I interviewed a practitioner who often appealed in front of a Chinese embassy. I did not like her because I thought she was irrational. Even though she is a Westerner, her English was full of mistakes and I often had to guess what she was trying to say. Sometimes she just mumbled. I have an attachment: I like to speak with people who are logical and can speak clearly or people who are very competent. This particular practitioner did not fit the bill. I got really impatient with her. As she was speaking, I could not help thinking that it would take me so much time to clean up the sound file (my technical skills were very limited at that time).
When I finally finished interviewing her and started to edit the sound file, I got even more agitated. I started to feel dizzy, could not see clearly, felt weak, and my stomach bothered me. This was very unusual. I used to work at the computer for the whole day without any problems. What was wrong with me? I put down what I was doing and started to think. I realized that my mental state was not right. I had been blaming the practitioner for my problem: it was time-consuming to edit her sound file. I didn't like her style, etc. I was very self-focused.
I realized that I was very selfish. I had just handed huge loopholes over to the evil. I could not let this happen, so I went to work on it. I reminded myself not to mix my emotions with Dafa work and just do what I had to do, without being judgmental of other practitioners.
After a while, my discomfort subsided. When I listened to the sound file, I found that the practitioner had spoken very well after all. I had been too focused on her weaknesses then and ignored her strengths.
I found that, in cultivation and daily life, I am a demanding individual, especially in an area that I am good at. I am so focused on other people's weaknesses and always wonder why people cannot improve. In fact, I just hold myself in too high a regard.
This attachment may have deeper roots. A few years ago, I had a dream. I dreamed about sentient beings being bullied by evil. They were waiting for two gods to punish the evil. Two gods flew over, one rather young, the other middle-aged and a goddess. I was the goddess in the dream. The young one was my assistant. I was very well aware of how people viewed me in the dream. They admired my ability and trusted me. I was very proud of my rationality and ability. I didn't think much of other people. And yet, I did not show my complacency on the surface. I looked divine. When I woke up, I realized that my xinxing had deviated from what is expected at that level. I was selfish. Although in that realm it was still a divine world, it had degenerated.
My attachment was reinforced in this life because I have certain abilities that often earn me praise. Gradually, without knowing it, my complacency and intolerance for incompetence were reinforced. Since I began cultivation, I have been praised by fellow practitioners. My responses to such praise were similar to that in my dream. I was proud of myself and held myself in high regard. The old forces arranged these abilities for me to reinforce that side of me that has deviated from the Fa.
However, Dafa can rectify everything. Through studying the Fa, I understand that our abilities come from Dafa and they are for assisting Teacher to rectify the world, not to strengthen our attachments. We all have our characteristics, with different missions in this world. Our abilities, strong or weak, were arranged by Teacher with a reason. I have such abilities, not because I am great, but because Dafa is great. As a being in Dafa, I should not be proud of an ability that I got from Dafa, and there is no reason to look down upon those who don't seem to have strong abilities.
2. Xinxing Exposed during Conflicts
Several months later, I got pregnant with a second child. I found that I could not stay up as much as before, or I would feel nauseated. So I avoided going to bed too late. Once I needed to upload a program for the night, so I told my husband that as soon as my son went to bed, I would start recording so I could finish by 12 a.m. My husband was not supposed to make any phone calls while I was recording. When I was ready to do the recording, I found my husband was still chatting on the phone. I signaled to him that I needed to start recording. He nodded, but 20 minutes passed and he was still talking on the phone. I was upset. I thought that he was inconsiderate and I was boiling inside: "You are never home. I am left to take care of the little one. I have to go to work and do Dafa work. Now I am pregnant. If I go to bed too late, I won't sleep well, etc, etc." All the old wounds were opened up.
I signaled to my husband again with my microphone. However, he just nodded, grunted, and continued to chat. I was furious. "He didn't even look at me!" I almost wanted to grab the phone and yell at him. But I controlled myself because I didn't want the practitioner at the other end to know about this. I stormed out of the room and slammed the door.
My husband probably realized something was wrong. As soon as I sat down, he finished his conversation and came over. I was even angrier upon seeing his innocent face. I complained bitterly about how inconsiderate of me he was. He listened. After I calmed down he said, "I know that you are stressed. Did you know I am also very stressed? I am not good at coordinating. I don't think I am fit for my job."
I knew that he was being honest with me. He was feeling a lot of pressure. Had I known that he would take up so much coordinating work, I would not have wanted a second child. My mom came to live with me twice during the early stages of my pregnancy, and after my son was born, to she came to help me again. Once she broke down from fatigue. She had just started learning Falun Gong and was not yet a real practitioner. She could not understand why my husband was spending so much time and effort on something that wouldn't bring money home. I couldn't quite make her understand. Fortunately, she has changed due to the Spectacular performances
With pressure from Dafa work, my own discomfort from pregnancy, and my mood swings, I became really irritated. I was OK with my mother because she is an ordinary person, and I could understand where she came from. It was understandable that she complained about being tired and not seeing the point of the Chinese New Year Spectacular. But my husband is a practitioner. I expect him to be a practitioner. If he does not live up to the standards, I just lose my temper with him. I forgot all about what teacher said: practitioners should not get upset and need to be tolerant, and that we should think about others first. Under such circumstances, a small conflict was escalated.
In fact, I spent a considerable amount of time studying the Fa during that period. I realized that I was not solid in my cultivation so I studied more. When I was reading the Fa, I felt that knot after knot was untied. I have become a different person, with a very calm mind, and my complaints just disappeared. But when I felt stressed, many of my attachments reappeared.
I found that when we are not under pressure, our selfishness is disguised by certain things, such as courtesy and an understanding of what we should do on the surface. But it did not mean that the attachments were uprooted. It sneaked up on us when we are stressed. So I realized that my cultivation was not solid. I am so attached to what I have to do that I don't pay attention to how other people feel.
The only solution is to study the Fa more, to think about other people first, and to be more forgiving. Once we have bigger capacities and let go of our attachments, we can handle the pressure much better.
Looking back at my experience, I can feel Teacher guiding me all the time. No matter how many conflicts we have among fellow practitioners, no matter how much we do not behave like practitioners, Teacher has never given up on us. I am determined to do better and to rectify everything in me that is not part of "Truthfulness, Compassion and Forbearance."
Thank you, Teacher, for the opportunities to cultivate and cleanse ourselves so we can return to our true selves.
Experience-sharing article among Minghui editors, 2007
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