(Clearwisdom.net) I notice that some practitioners are still experiencing tribulations and seem unable to extricate themselves, and I see that some are not diligent in their cultivation. Thus, I had the thought to write down my experience of breaking free from tribulations with the hope that we can improve as one body.
I am a veteran practitioner; I began to practice Falun Dafa in 1996. However, because I have not been diligent in cultivation, I fell short of many others. I regret that not until now have I understood how to solidly cultivate and how to cultivate my heart. Now I understand the seriousness of cultivation, and I realize that we should set high standards for ourselves. I have come to understand the inner meaning and profundity of cultivation. In addition, I understand that Master has taken great pains to arrange opportunities over and over again to help us get rid of our attachments.
Since the inception of my cultivation, I had a fundamental and hidden attachment. It is the attachment of sentimentality between husband and wife. Deep in my mind, I have been pursuing a happy life in ordinary society. I yearned for the loyalty of husband and wife and hoped to live together until old and gray. I was even attached to thinking that the other party should not betray me inwardly, not to mention that my husband should not behave improperly with other women. Due to this attachment, I always met with conflicts in my marriage.
As a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple, the requirements of the Fa for disciples are very high, and any hidden attachment cannot be taken to heaven. Master arranged tests to improve my xinxing over and over again, yet I did not abandon this attachment. Instead, I hoped that my husband would be loyal to me, and was immersed in my sentimentality. I thought that my husband seemed very diligent and would be the kind of gentleman I hoped. However, he did not do well with relationships between men and women.
The more I dislike something, the more negative experiences I meet with. The more I cared about his behavior in front of women, the more often I saw and heard about his bad behavior in this aspect. For example, when he was an assistant at our practice site and took part in the group Fa-study, he was intimate with some female practitioners. While riding our bicycles, he gazed so intently at pretty women along the way that he rode his bicycle over the curb. At a neighbor's wedding ceremony, he held a pretty girl's hand in front of me and my relatives.
When conflicts emerged, the painful attachment made me forget how to cultivate my xinxing, and I often criticized him and made demands of him according to my understanding of the requirements of the Fa. As our conflicts intensified, and I discovered he was intimate with another woman practitioner. I asked him if there had been immoral behavior between them, and he denied it very determinedly, "I am an assistant. How can I have this kind of bad behavior?!" He had deceived me for so many years.
The more I was attached to my husband's faults, the more the old forces interfered with me. Because we both did not know how to truly cultivate our xinxing, the conflicts intensified. I did not get rid of my attachment, always looking outward to find his faults. I tried to change him, while keeping my own bad things, following the old force arrangements to hold onto my ego and selfishness. I felt a lot of pain and often cried due to this attachment. Since I did not eradicate my fundamental attachment, my state of cultivation was not good. I fluctuated between being diligent and not being diligent, which worried me.
The following is how I broke through.
After Master's article "Sifting of the Sand" was published, I realized that I was facing a dangerous cultivation state, due to my not being diligent. I had not broken through the sentimentality between a man and a woman, so the tests that I kept failing grew bigger and bigger. This became a critical juncture and an excuse for the old forces to persecute me; to weed me out. Luckily, I have a good cultivation environment, and my parents are also cultivators. When I felt I was unable to bear the test, they encouraged me, saying that it was a good opportunity to get rid of this attachment.
With my family's encouragement, I developed righteous thoughts. I strengthened my Fa-study with a calm mind and studied Master's recent articles. I listened to the "Fa-Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners," and tried to behave as Master told us. As I understand the lecture, we are fighting for human things when we fight in hope that people will be kind to us. When people are not kind to us and we are able to let go of it, we get rid of these human things. Only by letting go of these things can we obtain Godly things. Master spoke of how to correctly handle conflicts and tribulations as a cultivator.
I understand that the tests I faced were good things. I had not been able to change my human notions formed deep in my bones over thousands of years. Therefore, as soon as I met with a tribulation, I treated it as a bad thing. I treated the tribulations with an ordinary, human mindset. I did not regard myself as a sacred Dafa disciple and was not strict with myself according to Master's words.
When I was not studying the Fa and had more human thoughts, such as thoughts of suffering from injustice, I immediately had tumultuous human thoughts and was deeply affected. When I was at my workplace and the human mindset emerged, I was very sad and in tears. Luckily, my colleagues were busy with their work and did not pay attention to me. When I felt I was unable to bear it, I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes. When I had righteous thoughts and loudly recited, "My thoughts have to be righteous, not human," a lot of vexation and suffering disappeared. I really understand the taste of true cultivation and Dafa's power.
After leaving work, my human thoughts prevailed, making me very pained and unable to get rid of them. Now I realize that because I did not solidly cultivate in this aspect, strong thought karma has formed. I appreciate my fellow practitioners' help. They shared with me patiently and helped me to realize my attachment. I told myself that I must become one of Master's truly-cultivating disciples and let go of all attachments. Even though my mind was hit really hard, I would resolutely follow Master to return to my original home. The next morning when I woke up, I felt relaxed and was very happy. I clearly dreamed that I dashed out from a pile of granite that reached up to my neck, except there was some gravel on my clothes from my neck to my chest. The other parts of my body were very clean. Master enlightened me that I should send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the demon of lust, even in my child's dimension.
Every day I strengthened my Fa-study. I made up my mind and said to Master that I would not walk the path that the old forces arranged for me and I would concentrate my efforts to cultivate myself. At the same time, I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil factors in other dimensions that took advantage of my loophole to interfere with me. I continuously studied the Fa, and my righteous thoughts emerged. In this way, I passed this test.
Because I had not yet completely eliminated the attachment, I had to pass similar tests over and over again afterward. I can understand Master's concern about this issue. Master arranged for me to find the message that my husband sent to a woman. A few days later, I found several women's photos in his QQ. At that time, I was so very angry that I was all a tremble and my heart burned with anger. I later noticed that he communicated with that woman by message very often and even at 4:00a.m.; he continued to make contact with her. She had even invited him to go out. He told me that this woman liked him. He gave her a gift in order to hold onto her. I thought that he likely did the same kind of thing with the practitioner. I nearly fainted and was full of tears. What I had been worrying about had all occurred in front of me.
That evening after I returned home, I was very sad and cried loudly. The next morning when I woke up, I cried for a while. However, I was different at that time. As soon as I cried because my human attachments were touched upon, I made up my mind and told myself, "Do not preserve this human attachment. I must relinquish all the human things and be not eager to have my husband's attention." When I arrived at my workplace, I was very happy all morning, and the sadness that resulted from my attachments had disappeared. At that time I truly understood the profound meaning of "cultivation depends on one's own efforts, while transformation of gong is done by one's master." ("Lecture One" in Zhuan Falun) At the same time, I understood how we can experience the power of Dafa when we truly cultivate.
I felt a lot of regret. If I could have truly cultivated my xinxing during the past few years when I was passing each test, I would not have accumulated these tests, such that the test today is very huge. In addition, I understand the urgency of cultivation. That morning I let go of the sentimentality between a wife and a husband and the enmities I had felt. The leader of my workplace asked me to help write a letter. He said that I had literary talent and asked me to write a letter to the men who were working in another location in the name of their wives. In the letter we advised these husbands to take care. In writing this letter, I was very touched. Master knew my shortcomings, and through this process, he made me understand that I did not meet the requirement of a woman's gentleness and understanding to my husband as a wife in ordinary society. At the same time, I was enlightened that I should care about him and remind him that only cultivating well can we be really safe. Master expended a lot of effort to make each disciple take every step well.
During the process of passing the test in the past twenty days, I studied a lot of Fa and had a deep cultivation experience. Now I understand that it is unnecessary for me to analyze the relationship between my husband and that woman. I have no hatred or complaint. I instead have enormous tolerance. Through his affair, I noticed that I had a lot of filthy attachments, for example: jealousy, being suspicious, imagining things, competitive mentality, narrow mind, not being tolerant, sentiment between a man and a woman, the desire of lust, etc. I understand that it is necessary for us to look within. The situation seems like it is not a good thing, but in fact, it is a good thing and an opportunity to let go of our attachments and improve our xinxing. Many practitioners are making efforts to do the three things well and are grasping the time to save people. However, I am wasting time because I have been muddled in my cultivation and have not truly cultivated myself. Compared to those practitioners, I feel very ashamed. In the past, although every day I studied the Fa and sometimes did the exercises, I did not want to alter the substantial substances in my inner mind and let go of my fundamental attachment.
I hope those practitioners who are not diligent can draw a lesson from me and can calmly examine the inner reasons that are hindering their diligence and truly improve their xinxing. We should not hold onto these things that we don't want to change, or cover them up with our cunningness. Otherwise, we will be sorry to ourselves, our sentient beings and Master.
April 22, 2008
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