(Clearwisdom.net) I began practicing Falun Gong in 1996 and got married in 1998. Before the persecution began in 1999, I was very diligent in cultivation. My wife is also a practitioner. For some reason, I had a strong attachment to lust and it was very hard to get rid of. The more anxious I was to get rid of it, the stronger it seemed to become. Sometimes I asked myself: Are you willing to let go of lust and sexual desire? However, in my heart I felt that I did not want to part with it. I used to force myself not to look at, not to listen to and not to think about anything that involved lust and sexual desire. Once I was eating out and there was a young girl sitting opposite me. In order to not be moved by lust, I kept my head down until I finished the meal, so I did not even know what she looked like. Even so, I still could not let go of lust. Sometimes I thought that maybe I had accumulated lots of karma in my previous lives and that was why I had to suffer such tribulations.
Shortly after the persecution began, I was detained by the evil Chinese Communist Party (CCP), and was later given a heavy sentence. Before I was released, the prison officials showed us some videos at New Year's time; some were pornographic. I knew I should not watch them, but I could not suppress my attachment to lust and watched them in the end. As a result, this attachment became even stronger. Then I developed another attachment: It was because I hadn't had the life between a husband and a wife for a long time that I couldn't see clearly the nature of such things, and that was why I yearned for it and could not let go of it. This attachment had become very strong.
I used this attachment as an excuse, but at the same time, I also wanted to relinquish the attachment to lust and sexual desire. My wife never gave in to the evil during the persecution and she had very strong righteous thoughts. She gave me some positive advice on the issue, but later I could not control myself and visited pornographic websites. At the beginning, I was only looking at pictures, and while looking, I said to myself: There is nothing worth looking at. Can't you let go of it? After I visited the websites, I regretted what I had done. But not long after that, I visited the websites again, and thought to myself that I must let go of the attachment to lust and sexual desires while watching it. This happened again and again, and I could not remember how many times it happened. I felt very miserable at that time, feeling that I would fail in my cultivation. Dafa is so wonderful and the opportunity is so precious, am I going to let such a precious opportunity slip away? I felt that my will was very weak. Why was I not able to eliminate this attachment?!
Sometimes I encouraged myself: While in prison, there was a period of time when I was able to create a good environment. I would get up at 4:00 am, practice the exercises for two hours, and recite the Fa for two hours. The surrounding environment was so evil, but I was able to do these things. This shows that I do have a strong will. Sometimes I was really sleepy, and in order to not fall asleep when reciting the Fa, I kept walking the floor. Even when I was not very clear headed when reciting the Fa, I would not sleep, and I did not allow myself to sleep. I thought to myself that if there was no first time, there would not be a second time. This way, my sleepiness went away very quickly. Why can't I have the same strong will now?
I encountered a very serious incident one time when I was away on business alone. As soon as I checked in the hotel, I received a phone call from a young lady asking if I would like to have some special services. I refused without a second thought. However, I could not help but call the switchboard and ask if they provided special services. My heart was moved and my mind ran wild with imagination, and I called for a young lady. She came, but she did not want to chat with me, and said that if I wanted to chat, then I should go to a nightclub. I changed to another lady, but she behaved the same way. So I gave up in the end.
When I became clear headed, I felt deep regret. What was I doing?
I felt really miserable. Each time I made a mistake, my body would react strongly, and the color of my face turned worse and worse. I felt tightness in my chest as if it were stuffed with a lot of rubbish. As time went on, even my appearance changed. Ancient people said that one's appearance is a reflection of one's heart. It is really like this.
I remember the early days when I first began to practice. At that time, I did not have a deep understanding of the Fa, but I was very diligent. Each day, I would study the Fa for over ten hours, and I would listen to the Fa even when I was eating and walking. In my dreams, I often saw myself striving forward, going past one person after another. But now I'm so muddle-headed and irrational. I know that the old forces are determined to destroy me. They belittle me. But I must not belittle myself! In this universe, it is up to each individual as to what he wants and what he pursues. When I'm determined to let go of these attachments, Master will certainly help me. If I indulge myself in lust, the evil will also come to harm me.
What am I doing! I'm really bad, really not worthy of the great pains Master has taken. I must not carry on like this. As I write this article, tears are running down my face.
Some days ago, I deleted all the pornographic pictures from my computer. While I was deleting them, I could feel the anxiety and the attachment to them. I knew it was a message pushed into my brain by the ugly beings of lust in other dimensions. They wanted to stay alive, but I'm the one who is in control of my body and my thoughts, and I'm the one who has the final say. I will not be as muddle-headed as before. I want to be a being that is completely assimilated to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Therefore, I must rid myself of the attachment to lust and sexual desire.
I thought about the reason why I had become like this; it was because my attachment was too big. However, I'm clear about the Fa principles, and I don't want to be destroyed in the future. When I have strong determination, I will be able to pass this test. I also understand that I'm the one who decides what I want. Only when my heart has gone astray can the negative beings find opportunities to strengthen my attachments. When my heart is righteous, Master will help me.
I understand that it is simply impossible to get rid of lust and sexual desire when one holds on to this attachment at the same time. Just like a drug addict, he cannot imagine to get rid of his addiction while indulging himself in the stimulus of drugs. There is only one way of getting rid of the addiction, and that is to stop taking drugs, and keep clear from the drugs both in action and in mind. Attachments and desires can not be gotten rid of by satisfying them. Once they are satisfied, they will become bigger. Just like a smoker, who might have felt satisfied by smoking just one cigarette a day at the very beginning; once satisfied, he will want to smoke more, and in the end he will only feel satisfied when he smokes a pack a day. In fact, to try to get rid of the attachment to lust in the process of enjoying it is no less than satisfying one's lust in another degenerated way. It is cheating oneself. So I must not look at beautiful ladies anymore when walking on the street. In the past, I thought such things were too trivial to deserve any attention. However, any attachment, if not gotten rid of, will grow bigger. What is the purpose of my cultivation? When I think about this, I would have the determination and strength not to look at beautiful people of the opposite sex.
I'm very clear about these facts, and I will certainly do well. When a wicked idea comes into my mind, I will eliminate it with righteous thoughts. I will measure myself in everything I do directly with the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.
During the process, I have asked myself more than once: Why do you cultivate? What was it that touched my heart and encouraged me to cultivate at the beginning? Was it just to be an everyday person? Cultivation is not a game. Any wrong thoughts will invite tribulations and inexorable doom, which is extremely serious and extremely dangerous.
I know that fellow practitioners overseas work day and night in assisting Master in the Fa-rectification. I feel really ashamed that I still think about such filthy things, not to mention not keeping up with the progress of Fa-rectification. I also know that overseas practitioners look down upon people like me who had gone astray along the evil path and who have repeatedly made mistakes in their personal life. However, to let gods have a good opinion of me, I must first do well, and I should at least have the basic morals of a Dafa practitioner!
Master has done what he planned to do, but if we do not cultivate our xinxing, Master cannot possibly lift us up directly. Master wants us to cultivate up, and he has taught us the cultivation way that can be left with the universe and can help us transform all that is needed. Whether we can go up or not is determined by our own choice when passing tests in our cultivation. In this universe where there coexists both positive and negative matter, it is up to each individual being to decide what he wants and what he pursues. One has to take the responsibility for the consequences of what one has done.
One other point; in the past I never dared to call myself a Dafa disciple and I felt I was not worthy of the title. At the prison, even when I was doing well and all the inmates in my cell were learning Falun Gong exercises from me, I did not dare to call myself a Dafa disciple. However, from now on, I will require myself according to what Dafa disciples should do and require myself to be a truly genuine Dafa disciple.
The above is only my personal understanding at this stage. Please kindly point out anything improper.
Views expressed in this article represent the author's own opinions or understandings. All content published on this website are copyrighted by Minghui.org. Minghui will produce compilations of its online content regularly and on special occasions.
