(Clearwisdom.net) I had a very strict education growing up. I read lots of books and learned lots of principles about being a dignified person. I very much wanted to be a lofty person with great virtue; therefore, I set a high standard for myself. However, because in difficult times I had done things that were condemned by others, I developed a feeling of inferiority. In addition to that, I cannot forgive myself for the devious path I walked on after I started cultivation: I had improper sexual relationships. I do not want to make any excuses for myself. No matter what kind of excuses I had, that kind of thing should not happen. After resuming cultivation, my feelings of being inferior became stronger. This feeling was hidden deeply in my heart, and I once thought that I had forgotten the past. However, when I looked inward yesterday to eliminate the attachment to fame, I found that to a large extent, feeling inferior had caused it.
Fundamentally, feeling inferior is the fear of hearing negative comments from others; it is a kind of vanity. Because I have been carrying this big baggage, I am afraid of meeting people, afraid of getting close to people, afraid of being hurt, afraid of hearing negative comments, etc. The fear is endless. If I keep carrying this big baggage, how can I not live a fearful life? In our bodies, all kinds of factors accumulate lifetime after lifetime. There are both positive and negative factors. It is critical which factors our main consciousness will choose. Isn't it the case that we are able to deny the past and do well from anew if we can eliminate the negative factors and choose the factors that conform to the Fa? Do we have to be the same as we were in the past? Is not cultivation the process of continuously denying ourselves? Is not it also an attachment if we hold onto the past without letting it go?
As I now understand it, when others talk about our shortcomings, we should quietly listen as though it is something from our past, and has nothing to do with who we are in the present. This way, we do not need to defend ourselves. When others learn about a shameful experience in our past, we should allow them to criticize what we did because that truly happened. If others do not know that we have changed, we can let them know gradually with our behavior. A person who cannot forgive himself cannot easily forgive others, either. This kind of mentality makes me very attached to the shortcomings of other people and I cannot treat them compassionately.
All the things that happened in the past were indeed done by me in the past, but they are not acknowledged by the me of the present. I will let go of all the things in the past. Starting today, I am a brand new person, a life assimilated into the Fa. Fellow practitioners, please support me with your righteous energy!
Written on November 5, 2009
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