(Clearwisdom.net) I had a small issue at work today with an anonymous performance evaluation. The first feedback I got said, "Clumsy work, and troublesome." My heart fell for a second. I felt something was not right. The second feedback I got stated, "Very frank." I felt a bit happy and thought, "I'm sure it was A who said a good word about me. I'll treat A well in the future. I'm sure it was B who said bad things about me, I've had it with her!" But then I became immediately wary and knew my thoughts were wrong. Master's words immediately came to mind,
"For a cultivator, all the frustrations he comes across among everyday people are trials, and all the compliments he receives are tests." ("A Cultivator is Naturally Part of It" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I realized this was a test for me, and I needed to raise my xinxing. Recalling my first reaction, I looked inside and found many attachments: my strong attachment to recognition, hearing compliments and not liking criticism. My reaction showed my desire for recognition and reputation, and another attachment--strong emotions. I treated people according to ordinary people's mentality. I would treat a person well if he/she treats me well; otherwise I would treat them so-so. I lacked a compassionate mindset. Nevertheless, reading my colleagues' feedback created such a huge reaction in me. I really had a severe setback in my cultivation.
Reflections over the next few days made me aware that my looking inward had merely amounted to a superficial examination of my thoughts. I often tended to say something when I saw others' good or bad actions and did not check myself to see if I had the same issue when I saw others' shortcomings. Reading Master's lectures also gave me the impression that this applied to others, but not me. This put me outside of Dafa. Whenever I read the Fa, I should put myself in the Fa and not exclude myself from the Fa; that is true cultivation.
In addition, sometimes my work was clumsy, like my coworker pointed out. I had this problem since childhood, but now it was impacting my validation of Dafa. Because I do things a bit carelessly, other practitioners don't really trust me. Whenever they give me truth-clarifying materials, they always remind me to pay attention to security. My attitude of doing things could impact the relationship among practitioners. Who wants to be around a person who is not focused? I would not want to go with an unconcerned person either to validate the Fa. My manner created big pressure for practitioners.
Digging deeper, I found that my unconcerned way of doing things and clumsiness is due to my attitude and mindset. I was not responsible to Dafa and to sentient beings. I lacked taking responsibility and accountability in my life.
I was born in China in the 1980's, when Communist culture prevailed, and had no education pertaining to traditional culture. My parents have been through many political movements in their lives and were afraid of such things. They learned how to survive under Communist rule. This survival skill gave them a self-centered mindset. They only taught me how to study well and obey the leaders, but never taught me to be responsible, not even basic responsibilities. If someone in China is truly responsible to the country and to others, this could lead them to be confronted with a dangerous situation. That is why, since childhood, my parents only taught me how to protect myself and never taught me to be a truly responsible person.
Reading another practitioner's article on responsibility the other day made me aware of this issue at the right time. Because I lacked responsibility, I could take things for granted; when doing truth-clarifying work I lacked a pure mindset, thinking as long as I was doing it, I was okay.
I have wasted much time after thousands of years of waiting, simply because I was irresponsible. This led to many attachments and issues I had not been aware of. After I thought this through, I sent righteous thoughts to clean up the bad things inside me and determined to do well in the future.
This is my personal experience and understanding; please compassionately point out any shortcomings.
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