(Clearwisdom.net) A few years ago, a fellow practitioner gave me two different bank account deposit books containing practitioners' money. I withdrew the total amount of one account in cash and gave it to a practitioner to support a Dafa materials production center. I gave the other account deposit book to a coordinator. However, the deposit book was confiscated by the authorities after a practitioner's arrest. Recently, the fellow practitioner who gave me the two accounts asked me where the second deposit book was. I didn't want to talk about the details and couldn't remember the exact amount in the account at the time. I casually told her that I couldn't remember. She had a doubtful expression, but I didn't look inward to think about it.
A few days ago, I had a discussion with this fellow practitioner about visiting and helping the families of detained and homeless practitioners. She didn't say much, and gave me very little money to help the families. Judging from her financial situation and how much she'd contributed before, I was very surprised. At the same time, I saw the same doubtful expression again. I felt humiliated and didn't know what to say when she handed me the money. After that, I felt more and more hurt and decided not to deal with her again, because she didn't believe me and questioned my integrity. I returned her contribution to her the next day, saying, “Your money wasn’t needed. We already have enough.” I was planning to argue with her but didn't, fearing the embarrassment it might cause.
No matter what she thought about me, it caused hard feelings and caused me to think about it over and over. I thought that I'd eliminated all the attachments that I could recognize. If so, then why did I feel angry? Reciting “Buddha Nature” from Zhuan Falun Volume II and “Towards Consummation” from Essentials for Further Advancement II, I realized that I hadn't eliminated many of my human notions: my elevated sense of self-esteem, a strong sense of vanity, and a desire for money and fame—all fundamental attachments.
I realized that before I started practicing, I was feisty, had a desire to excel, and never admitted defeat. I had acquired some fame and acclamation and grew up within the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture. I wouldn't listen to any negative comments about me or tolerate unpleasant looks from others. I looked down on those who didn't have self esteem and on those who were unable to and wouldn't work hard. I aspired to secure justice and was willing to help others and protect them from injustice. I considered myself capable and of good character and morality. I saw evil in the world, but couldn't find a way to secure justice and realize my own values. As soon as I began to understand Falun Gong, I felt that my outlook on life and the world were aligned to the teachings; I saw Teacher's noble morality and extraordinary sense of morality and integrity. I started practicing Falun Gong with all these notions and attachments.
Teacher said,
“A notion, once formed, will control you for the duration of your life, influencing your thinking and even the full gamut of emotions, such as your happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy. It is formed postnatally. If this thing persists for some time, it will become part of a person’s thinking, melding into the brain of that person’s true self, at which point it will shape his temperament.” (“Buddha Nature” from Zhuan Falun Volume II)
It felt like this was the first time that I'd seen these words, which shocked me. I realized that I was controlled and hindered by my human notions and fundamental attachments in my cultivation. Sometimes, I was even controlled by thought karma.
Teacher said,
“After cultivating for a period of time, are your thoughts still the same? Are you continuing on the path because of those human attachments? If so, you cannot be counted as my disciple. It means that you haven’t gotten rid of your fundamental attachments and that you are unable to understand the Fa from the Fa.” (“Towards Consummation” from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I thought that I'd eliminated my attachments to money, fame, and sentiments, but these recent events exposed my attachments. I realized the solemn nature of cultivation. At the same time, this experience enlightened me to the concept that the process of cultivation is the process of exposing one's attachments in conflicts and events that truly touch one's feelings, then correcting oneself. If these events hadn't occurred, I wouldn't have realized my problem and then improved myself. Naturally, we don't want to encounter conflicts and problems, so we try to avoid them. That is actually equivalent to avoiding improvements in our cultivation.
The above is my personal understanding. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
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