(Minghui.org) I am a Falun Dafa practitioner with a history of psychosis. Throughout the entire course of my cultivation practice I have failed to fully acknowledge the reality of this situation and its implications for my practice.
Teacher has said:
“If some students can't handle themselves well or suffered from psychosis before learning the Fa, then it's okay for them to cultivate at home."
"Students who used to have psychosis can do some things that are in the background, and it's okay if they do less or nothing when it comes to clarifying the truth." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 International Fa Conference in New York")
I failed to understand and accept this Fa teaching and deluded myself into thinking that it did not apply to me.
My understanding is that students with a history of psychosis have a weak main consciousness, which means that even if everything looks fine on the surface, at a certain time they may be interfered with and cause damage to the Fa-rectification.
That is definitely the case in my situation. Despite having seemingly cultivated quite well for some time, within the last year I completely lost control of my main consciousness, and behaved in an extremely deluded way that is far, far from the standard of a cultivator, causing great damage to myself and sentient beings that are waiting to be saved.
This situation is very serious, and yet even at this late stage I have not addressed it correctly. I hereby solemnly declare that I will cultivate at home and only do work in the background. That is to say, I will not attend the exercise sites or Fa study groups, I will not participate in spreading the Fa, and any work that I do will not interface with the public.
The Falun Dafa Association in my region first became aware of my situation when I lost control of my main consciousness at group Fa study in 2003. They asked me to cultivate at home, and yet until very recently I did not accept their decision. I did not look inside and understand the Fa from the Fa. Instead, I thought they had a poor understanding of the Fa, and thus I continued to find ways to clarify the truth and associated myself with other practitioners that did not agree with the Association's recommendation. This has caused great damage.
Master is very clear in “Be More Diligent” about the critical importance of adhering to the requirements of the Falun Dafa coordinators. I have now written to my local Falun Dafa Association, explaining clearly my situation and all of my participation in Falun Gong-related activities. I hereby solemnly declare that I will follow fully their requirements.
Failing to follow Master's Fa teaching concerning students with a history of psychosis, failing to follow the requirements of the Falun Dafa Association, and committing all manner of sins whilst in a deluded state, including giving sentient beings a negative impression of Falun Dafa, has given the evil, old forces a substantial handle to hold on to. My cultivation state has been extremely poor, and in many cases I have not demonstrated the righteous thoughts necessary to eliminate the interference and have instead aligned with the evil. Many of my thoughts have aligned with the evil and my xinxing has been extremely poor. This has caused huge damage to my family and my environment in general.
And yet I do have righteous thoughts and the capacity to tell right from wrong. I hereby solemnly declare in front of Master and all of the righteous gods in the cosmos that I will eliminate every interfering thought. Every thought that I recognise is not in line with Master's Fa-teaching, I will eliminate. The attachment of fear; the attachment of jealousy; the negative, bitter, unkind thoughts... when they emerge I will diligently eliminate them. This is my solemn declaration before the gods of the cosmos, and my only hope of genuinely stepping forward and meeting the standard of a cultivator. If I passively accept these wicked, corrupt thoughts, how could I ever consider myself to be a practitioner? How could I help Master with the Fa-rectification and fulfil my prehistoric vows? I must eliminate every wicked thought.
During my cultivation, there have been times where I have directly disrespected Master and the Fa. I hereby solemnly declare: All my thoughts, words, and actions that were against Dafa and Master are null and void. My original true self was born in the space of the universe, and at birth I was assimilated to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, free of attachment and desire. Through cultivation practice I am returning to my original true self. Those wicked thoughts are interference from evil factors. Because of my strong attachments and weak main consciousness, the evil is able to interfere and pour in those wicked thoughts. They do not represent my original true self and I declare them null and void. I take full responsibility for maintaining my strong main consciousness and eliminate immediately all such sinful thoughts.
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Category: Journeys of Cultivation
