(Clearwisdom.net) I grew up in a city and am the only daughter in my family. I didn't experience difficult times when I was young; the only thing that made me unhappy was when my parents quarreled, which was quite often. As a child, I decided that I would never marry someone with a bad temper. However, things didn't turn out that way.
I was waiting to marry someone whom I could trust and who could understand me. I had a boyfriend for a long time who treated me quite well, but I didn't think that I'd marry him. Later, I met my future husband. However, he was hot-tempered, impetuous, amenable to coaxing (but not coercion), and didn't understand how to back off. We had many arguments following our marriage. The thoughts “leave him” and “divorce him now” occurred to me regularly. I understood the Dafa principle of needing to look inward for the cause of tribulations, but I couldn't figure out the root cause. I felt really bad and like I was being mistreated.
I lived far from all of my relatives and felt that there wasn't anyone around to help me, which also hurt. I cried a lot. I asked myself frequently, “How long can this marriage last?”
Whenever my husband thought that I did something wrong, he'd use strong language to criticize me, and I usually reacted negatively to his comments. He also lectured me in front of other practitioners, showing no respect for me. This caused me to fight back. At first, I thought that our problem was due to our differences in background, education, character and habits. I thought that he was ingrained with Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture, so I wanted to help him to correct this. I thought that he had a bad attitude, and always looking down on people. I didn't think that I needed to change.
We had another argument recently, and I felt really bad and helpless. Why was marriage so different from my expectations? I wanted to calm down and think carefully about the problem. Then, I read the section in Zhuan Falun about Han Xin, who didn't mind being humiliated. I realized that I'd failed to practice forbearance, and that I always wanted to win. I wanted to protect my name and dignity. During my school years or in an office environment, I put in a lot of effort to make sure that I was ahead of others. I did everything necessary to earn other people's respect. This strong desire for respect hasn't changed, and now I'm really ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. I might also have held on to the same pursuit in my Dafa work, which could be the cause for my not getting along well with other practitioners.
Teacher said,
“To tell you the truth, the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments. In ordinary human society, people compete with, deceive, and harm each other for a little personal gain. All of these mentalities must be given up.” (Zhuan Falun)
I was hoping for a harmonious and happy relationship. I now realize that this was my root attachment. I recalled that the reason I had decided to practice cultivation was because I couldn't handle my emotions. I was disappointed with all of the standard problems facing every human being, such as illness, old age and death. I was looking for salvation. Things became better after I began cultivation practice, but gradually, I lagged behind in Fa study. Then, I began hoping for a good marriage and a life without pain. I was also attached to the belief that I was right and didn't have to change. I forgot about the true purpose of cultivation.
Now, I know that I should keep looking inward to identify my attachments and apply the Fa to wake myself up. I can't make progress if I don't find my attachments and remove them. This would also mean that I'm still holding on to human notions and attachments, making it difficult for me to deal with tribulations. Although I know there are more attachments to uncover as I continue to look inward, I wrote this article to share with fellow practitioners and as a reminder for myself.
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Category: Improving Oneself
