(Clearwisdom.net) A female practitioner who was dismissed from work because of the persecution, has been wandering about, taking temporary jobs, and renting places to live for the past decade. She sometimes stayed with other practitioners, but very recently, she moved into my home and began to stay with me. In the beginning, we worked with each other very well on doing the three things. Conflicts surfaced however, one after another, so we ended up arguing and being upset with each other.
On the surface, our conflicts started when we were sharing. I claimed how clear I was on the Fa principles. I also pointed out to her the fact that she didn't refer to Teacher's quotations precisely enough, and I was able to quickly bring up the paragraph that she was referring to. In addition, I also pointed out to her that she often made mistakes when reading the Fa in our Fa-study group. Sometimes when I corrected her mistakes, she blamed me for other things. She said that I was trying to boost myself and look down upon her. She later criticized me for not doing the three things proactively. I often surfed the web by using software to get through Internet blockade, and ended up wasting my time. She always wanted to point out to me what I should do. As soon as I started to criticize her a little bit, she wanted to prove herself and look for my shortcomings.
I felt at first that because she thought that I was looking down on her, that she was purposefully looking for my mistakes, so as to prove herself and protect her self-respect. I didn't want to explain it to her, as I thought it wouldn't be productive, as her attachment to validating herself was so strong. I was looking outward however, and I wasn't looking inside.
When a conflict came up, I saw her attachments. In fact, I had those attachments as well. I got to see them, because her attachments were brought about by me. I truly came to realize that only by looking inward, could I possibly resolve those problems. The environment among practitioners is an environment for others, and one practitioner's behavior is another practitioner's mirror. Teacher said in "Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia,"
“...if you are truly able to search for causes within yourself in the face of conflicts and thus rectify yourself first, you have passed the test.”
Through those conflicts, I realized that I must look inside thoroughly. Part of the reason that she behaved this way was arranged by Teacher, to help me to cultivate and elevate myself. If I could rectify myself, chances are that she would change her behavior as a result.
Practitioners should look inward unconditionally. I came to understand that this means to completely ignore others' shortcomings and mistakes. If I were to find others' mistakes and shortcomings, it would be my cultivating for them instead of myself. We shouldn't attempt to look for others' mistakes while looking inward. However, my attachment to validating myself always made me see my own strengths, as well as others' shortcomings. This was also the root cause of my show-off mentality, jealousy, competitiveness, and zealotry. The fact that I always wanted to show off my understanding of Fa principles, and feel more competent in writing articles than others, indeed stirred up others' attachments, so conflicts arose.
Upon hearing others' criticism, we must first practice forbearance. With everyday people, we have to hold ourselves to what is stated in Zhuan Falun “...one should not fight back when being punched or insulted...” as well as be tolerant of fellow practitioners. There were a few times when one practitioner criticized me in front of others, where I managed not to speak up, and kept calm. I thought that I had practiced forbearance very well. However, facing her criticism, sometimes my attachments to my own ego and validating myself popped up right away, and I talked back, and sometimes became a bit upset. As soon as I became upset, I regretted it right away. I often warned myself that no matter what, when I run into a sudden incident, I must maintain my xinxing. But in reality, I couldn't always do so. Therefore, I need to keep studying the Fa, and rectifying myself with the standards of the Fa. Encountering conflicts is not a bad thing at all, as one is put in an environment to expose one's attachments, to be able to see them and eliminate them.
Teacher said in "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 International Fa Conference in New York,"
“If you are validating the Fa, no matter what another person says about you, you won't be affected inside. If someone counters your opinion and you get riled up and don't like it, if when other people raise an opinion opposite yours based on some problem you have or disagree with your opinion and you don't like it, and you stand up to oppose it and argue on your own behalf, and when this leads to your going off topic and not listening to others, [in all such cases] you are--even if you are defending and explaining yourself with the best of intentions--still just validating yourself. (Applause) That is because you didn't put Dafa first, and at that time the thing that you couldn't let go of most was self.”
After I argued with others, I calmed down and began to look within. I started remembering this paragraph, and it was as if it were intended just for me. If my intention was solely for validating the Fa as opposed to myself, then no matter what people said about me, I would not be moved at all. I could manage to not be moved no matter what others said about me. I actually came to realize that there's no use in arguing about things. The more one argues, the more one appears to be protecting himself. If I have this attachment, I should eliminate it. Otherwise I shouldn't need to speak out for myself.
When she kept looking for my shortcomings and blaming me for my shortcomings and mistakes, in the beginning, I could endure. But later I felt hurt that she made me lose my self-respect, so I began to argue with her. After that, I felt very regretful. I didn't listen to others' opinion and manage to look inward unconditionally. I came to realize this issue from a few aspects.
1. When others pointed out to me my shortcomings or mistakes, I became upset. But my trying to stop others from talking about me was like attempting to use a piece of paper to wrap up fire. Even if others didn't talk about me in front of me, they might still talk about me behind my back. And even if she didn't talk about me, it doesn't mean others won't talk about me. One's mistake or shortcoming is something negative, so when she brings it up to me, doesn't it create an opportunity for me to eliminate it? Doesn't it help me increase my self-confidence in the end instead?
2. Of course sometimes what she said was not really based on the facts, or her argument was biased, and I felt wronged or even upset. Of course, for anything that I felt was not based on facts, I could explain it with a good heart. However, for something that is hard for me to explain, I shouldn't argue too much about it. If I was truly wronged, I should treat it as paying back my karmic debt, and treat other opinions as a higher standard for myself to help me improve, and do better next time. Sometimes when she said that I didn't do enough Dafa work, I couldn't help listing what I had done, one by one in front of her. I later thought, "Isn't the purpose of my doing things for fulfilling my pre-historic vow and upholding my conscience, not for showing off to others? Then why do I need to let others know?"
3. Of course, when others said something unkind, or even used words to attack me, I should practice forbearance even more. If I were to use unkind words at that time, both parties would be hurt, so that the old forces would be happy. Evil can evoke evil in others, whereas kindness can bring about others' kindness. By being kind one can subdue evil.
For example, when someone yelled at me in front of others, I sometimes didn't say a word, as if I were a coward and humiliated, and others could have looked down on me. But in reality, forbearance which lets one maintain the greatest kindness is very powerful, and it touches everyone's heart. Not only would one not be looked down upon, but on the contrary, others may think highly of that person. There were a few times when I was yelled at in the Fa-study group. I didn't move or say anything. I didn't even have any facial expression indicating how much I was hurt. Soon enough, the other person who was rude to me appeared to be embarrassed, and he used other ways to express his apology to me.
Some of our conflicts came from the interference of sentimentality. In the beginning when we lived together, we were respectful of each other. After a while, we felt as if we were one family, and we developed sentimentality. When we spoke to each other, we no longer cultivated our speech. What we said to each other then sometimes ended up hurting the other person. Sentimentality is selfish. When one has sentimentality, one wants to acquire things, and never lose anything, and one wants to acquire more and more. When one is attached to sentimentality, he ends up developing all kinds of attachments, and running into conflicts. Therefore, there is an old saying that goes, “For noble people, their friendship among each other is as light as water.” As for a practitioner, one should let go of one's sentimentality and be detached from that.
After I came to this understanding, I tried not to respond to her criticism at first, and let it go. When she later criticized me again, she stopped shouting at me. When she calmed down, we were able to work together on doing the three things. I wanted to advise her to study the Fa more and look within. When we were both on the Fa, we changed our attitudes, and began talking to each other again. I have not completely passed this tribulation yet, and am still in the process of enlightening about it. This is probably because I haven't eliminated all my attachments. Otherwise I would no longer be in this conflict. On the other hand, since I have improved myself to a certain extent, this conflict is smaller than before. Teacher said in Zhuan Falun,
“If this sentimentality is not relinquished, you will be unable to practice cultivation. If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person’s mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble.”
This statement is so true. Only when one achieves the standard without any pursuit does it mean that one has passed the test, and one's outer environment will subsequently change.
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