(Minghui.org) After reading “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa” on the Minghui website, I looked back at a series of recent events with all due seriousness and became more aware of my shortcomings. I am writing them down to clear my thoughts and improve my understanding of the Fa. Fellow practitioners in similar situations might find my sharing useful.
I attended an experience sharing like the one described in the article for the first time last winter. Over 50 people were there. I went in secrecy, and I was nervous and excited. Reflecting on it now, I realize that many of my thoughts at that time were not aligned with the Fa.
Before the sharing began, we sent forth righteous thoughts and read one of Master's articles. A male practitioner facilitated the gathering and he invited practitioners to share their thoughts. A few of the practitioners briefly talked about their understandings. Then, the male practitioner and a female practitioner started to talk.
They said they believed that the previous few speakers were still in the personal cultivation stage and had not yet fully stepped into Fa validation. They shared a lot of their understandings, repeated many quotes from Master's articles, and gave numerous examples. Many of their examples were related to how they had enlightened after changing their human notions.
As I was listening to them, I thought that many of my human notions were preventing me from advancing. I felt my vision expand, and my mind became clear. Their sharing helped me a lot. After they finished talking, some of the practitioners who felt the same as I did expressed their regrets. They mentioned that they had gained insight from what had been said and they asked more questions. The facilitators answered the questions from their point of view. I also expressed my feelings and asked some questions.
After the meeting ended, people started to leave. Some of the practitioners stayed for more sharing. One practitioner suggested that the sharing articles published on the Minghui website tended to be at a lower level than the facilitators. I do not remember her exact words, but I understood her meaning. That made me feel a little uneasy, but I was still excited about my new understandings, and, so as not to embarrass her in front of others, I did not voice my concerns. I felt their comments about the Minghai website were negative, so I avoided talking about Minghui. I made those mistakes because of an old habit: Say what others like to hear to gain their acceptance. I had too many human attachments.
As I was leaving, the practitioner who invited me to the sharing said that if I felt the sharing was beneficial, I should invite the two facilitators to our area. She said that the facilitators were very busy and that I should make my decision quickly. At that moment, Master's article “A Heavy Blow” flashed into my mind. I later realized it was a righteous thought. Unfortunately, I did not pay attention to the hint or become rational. Thinking back, the excitement and emotions displayed at that time were all very irrational. Such strong emotions did not guide me well.
There were many reasons why I did not invite them to our area. However, the decision was not made based on my understandings according to the Fa. This led to the following events.
A few months later, in the spring of 2013, a practitioner wanted to organize our study group to go to a Fa conference. Every practitioner in our group liked the idea. A large apartment was offered by a practitioner as the place to hold the conference. Everything seemed ready and well planned. However, when I learned that the meeting facilitators were the same two practitioners I had met several months before, I voiced my concerns. The practitioner who suggested the meeting disregarded my concerns. He said that, based on what he knew, those two were solid practitioners and there should not be any problems. The conference went on as planned.
After the conference, a few of the practitioners I talked to said that they felt their level had been elevated. However, during a later group study, practitioners argued about this conference. Two practitioners had completely negative opinions about the conference. They especially disliked the two guest speakers. One practitioner said he had a headache throughout the entire meeting and that the two speakers were emitting karma. The other practitioner said the guest speakers had said the same things in other cities and their frequent sharings were not what Master wanted. Practitioners also pointed out many of the two speakers' shortcomings. At the time, I did not like what I was hearing. I felt that the two practitioners in my study group did not look inward and that they were they focused on the speakers' imperfections and were talking about the speakers behind their backs. I raised my voice and cut them off.
Even though the argument stopped, I was angry and could not stay calm during Fa study. After sending forth righteous thoughts, I searched within myself and found my attachment to fame. Our study group is held in my home. I had invited many of the practitioners that were at the conference. I used to say that everything was preplanned by Master. However, when problems came up, I was disturbed because I wanted to hear that other practitioners had benefitted from the conference. Then I would be able to take credit for helping them. I did not want to hear their complaints. I did not get the recognition I wanted. I emphasized how other practitioners did not search within themselves. When I saw this attachment, I felt calmer, but the problems were far from solved. I know now how far off I was and how much trouble I created for Master.
The next day, the practitioner who had provoked my anger at the Fa study came to see me and brought along another practitioner. The guest claimed that she knew the two speakers very well and said that they behaved like ordinary people in many ways. At that time, I still felt it was not right to talk about other people behind their backs. I saw many attachments in the guest practitioner as she talked. She only focused on others' imperfections and was unable to see her own problems.
After they left, my house started to leak from the melting snow. I knew I must be wrong. I stopped myself from analyzing other peoples' attachments. I asked myself why I had heard what I did and what I was supposed to learn.
Once I was calm and searched within myself, I suddenly understood. The two speakers could not accept criticism and this created obstacles. They would explode with emotion and escalate conflict whenever they were challenged. I asked myself who contributed to their attachments. Was I partially responsible? I was quite shocked when I asked myself this question. I clearly recognized that the praise, invitations, and admiration of practitioners strengthened their attachments. I did not invite them, but I was involved in organizing the conference and invited other practitioners to join. I was following the trend and not being responsible to my fellow practitioners. As I looked within myself at these hidden attachments, I felt ashamed. I realized I had done the wrong thing.
Once I came to these understandings, the leak in my house stopped. My neighbor's home leaked almost year round. I knew I had created trouble for Master again.
At that time, I did not see this as disrupting the Fa. I was not very clear about this based on the Fa. It was not until after reading “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa” that I completely realized that this way of sharing is not what Master wants. It is disrupting the Fa. I was startled, because this meant I was involved in activities that were disrupting the Fa. This is the last thing a Dafa disciple wants to do and it is also the one thing that a Dafa disciple absolutely cannot do. However, it was done unknowingly under the influence of strong human attachments, which is very frightening.
I gathered together every practitioner that I had invited to the conference to study “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa” and the articles of Master's that were mentioned. We shared our understandings. We became clear that we needed to study the Fa and not copy what others were doing. We realized that we should not blindly follow, no matter what others were doing or saying. We needed to maintain a clear mind and use the Fa as our guide. We were wrong to follow along just to avoid hurting others' feelings. We needed to be genuinely responsible for ourselves, fellow practitioners, and the Fa. Everyone recognized the severity of this issue at his or her own level.
During this process, there were many conflicts, interferences, twists, and turns. Master pointed them out again and again. I am ashamed. I wrote, “My only wish is that Master smiles” on a greeting card to Master. However, I have done things so disappointing to Master. I will be more diligent in the future and live up to Master's compassionate salvation. Please correct me if there is anything inadequate in my understandings. Heshi!
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Category: Improving Oneself
