(Minghui.org) After clarifying the truth about Falun Dafa to someone today, I said off the top of my head to my husband, “How did I do?” I was taken aback by his response: “How can you ask me this? You are a show-off, and all you care about is how good you are! You don't really care about sharing information about Falun Gong with other people.”
His words hit me hard. I thought: “It's true. I'm really attached to showing off and how capable I am. I want others to praise me, recognize my skills, and have a high opinion of me.” These selfish thoughts have been churning in my head for years.
It's not that I don't know this; it's just that his words completely exposed my selfish mentality. After all these years of cultivation, I still haven't let go of these attachments.
Inferiority Complex
Many years ago, I developed a negative attitude and a deep sense of inferiority, resulting from setbacks in my field of study. I didn't do well in my major and felt it was very difficult and painful. I was depressed and had such a strong sense of inferiority that I almost gave up on myself.
However, Master helped me realize that this was the path arranged for me. I should cultivate while working in this profession, and I shouldn't try to evade or escape the challenges presented to me.
I continued to do the three things as required by Master, but my mental state wasn't good for a long time. It was as if I was lying in a prone position and couldn't get up. I wanted to run away and disappear.
Attachment to Ability and Skills
I gradually realized that my inferiority complex originated from a strong attachment to having some ability. In fact, I've been attached to being capable and validating myself throughout my cultivation. I displayed my special skills and showed them off in hopes that others would speak highly of me. Whenever I finished a task, I would be pleased with myself and basked in the light of my brilliance.
I once likened my truth-clarification abilities to an expert martial artist at the the forefront of the battlefield. While working on Dafa projects, I validated myself, and my attachment to skills was so strong that I wasn't able to recognize this for years.
It wasn't until I encountered difficulties in my field of study, which caused my self-esteem to plummet, that I recognized how attached I was to my competence.
Smart and Spoiled
I would like to share the history behind this attachment. When I was young, my scholastic abilities were strong. I didn't study for exams until the last minute, yet I did very well. I never encountered difficulties when it came to my school work. I didn't spend much time or exert much effort to achieve good grades. Thus, I became spoiled and developed this mentality that it was my ability that made school easy for me.
This attachment was buried for a long time. Such a strong attachment is an impediment on the path of cultivation and will cause challenges. Relying on being clever to deal with everything, particularly while practicing cultivation, is not in accordance with the Fa.
Master said,
“I've said that in your cultivation you should conform to the way of ordinary society to the greatest extent possible.”
(Teaching the Fa in Canada, 2006)
It wasn't until I encountered continuous difficulties in my field of study and suffered a big setback that I became aware of this attachment. Although this attachment to ability and feeling of inferiority are no longer so prominent, I find that remnants still remain in my thought process. A good example is the conversation that I began this article with.
Many practitioners have been successful in their studies, and it might be easy for them to become attached to being capable like I did. Thus, I thought that perhaps they could benefit from the lessons I learned. I fell so hard that I'm still trying to get up and eliminate this attachment.
I think that if we truly believe that Master has entrusted us with what we need to do, and that everything originates from Master, then we don't need to develop notions of whether we are skillful or not. We can then truly validate the Fa and not ourselves.
This is what I've enlightened to at my level. Please compassionately point out any misunderstandings on my part. Thank you.
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Category: Improving Oneself
