(Minghui.org) My husband was unemployed for a long time when the company he worked for went out of business. He eventually decided to leave China in 1998 to work for his older brother at a manual labor job. I stayed in China to rear our child and look after his mother, who lived with us.
His brother's sister-in-law told me in October 1998 that my husband was cheating on me. I was in denial at first because he was penniless. Who would be attracted to a man without money? I dismissed it as unfounded gossip.
But my husband confirmed the affair when he came home at the end of 1998.
He told me, “She is a very rich business owner. She has been running a business overseas while her husband runs a factory in China. He has a mistress in China, and doesn't care about her so she wanted to find a man who would care for her.”
My husband is a warm, affectionate man, which may have been why she was drawn to him. When my husband lived with his brother, my brother-in-law kept an eye on him. But, when my husband found another job he moved out. The other woman asked him out, bought him drinks, made him homemade soup, and looked after him when he was sick. They fell in love.
My husband and I had always been happy together and we never fought. But I was outraged when my husband told me about his affair. When I started a fight with him, he became so distressed that he had a seizure. He was in agony, although I stayed by his side and looked after him. However, I did not stop reprimanding him for his betrayal.
He said, “I have been sending you my income. I have never thought about divorcing you.”
What he meant was he was not going to stop seeing the other woman.
Recognizing My Attachments to Sentimentality and Emotion
I started to remember the many sacrifices I had made over the years. My husband came from a poor family with many children, and his mother was a difficult woman. His family only cared about making money. All of his siblings had good incomes, but none of them would live with their mother. My husband and I have always struggled financially, yet we took her in and looked after her. Nonetheless, his mother was never grateful for what we had done for her. I had put up with a lot. After I heard what he said, I wanted to hit him hard.
I knew in my heart that I was being tested. It was an opportunity for me to cultivate. Yet I did not want to look inside because he was the one who had betrayed me. We had been married for many years and we were happy. When I was under the weather, he would take care of me, and that made up for other things. As the youngest child in his family, he had no say, and his brothers and sisters called the shots. Because of his position in the family dynamics, I had no say in his family either. I tolerated this because my husband loved me and was very good to me. He knew what I had endured and really appreciated my sacrifices.
The affair changed everything and he was no longer the man I married. I couldn't take the things he said to me.
I didn't fight with him all of the time, but I brewed a silent rage inside. Overcome with emotion, I completely forgot about my Falun Dafa cultivation practice.
Teacher said,
“These are all your own tribulations that we use to improve your xinxing, and you will be able to overcome them. As long as you upgrade your xinxing, you can overcome them. Unless you, yourself do not want to do so, you can make it, provided you want to overcome them.” (“Transformation of Karma” in Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun)
Teacher said,
“Cultivation practice must take place through tribulations so as to test whether you can part with and care less about different kinds of human sentimentality and desires. If you are attached to these things, you will not succeed in cultivation. Everything has its karmic relationship. Why can human beings be human? It is because human beings have sentimentality. They live just for this sentimentality.” (“Upgrading Xinxing” in Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun)
I decided that I might have karma from past wrongdoings and that I would have to pay back or suffer the misfortune of his betrayal. I knew that I must cultivate, but how was I going to cultivate myself when I was so crippled by emotion? Falun Dafa teaches letting go of sentimentality, but how could I do that when I would forget Master's words during a conflict? Love and betrayal permeate society. I knew I would never be able to transcend societal values if I was steeped in emotion. I decided that I must learn to let go of my sentimentality and upgrade my cultivation level.
Letting Go of Resentment and Bitterness
I alone took care of my 90-year-old mother-in-law. I lived in a home that leaked on rainy days. I ran a business during the day and did tons of housework in the evening. My husband lived on the other side of the earth and was having an affair with another woman. I was filled with feelings of resentment and bitterness. I found myself the most miserable and unfortunate person in the world. I had a husband who was penniless and cheated on me. I was overwhelmed with belligerence, hatred, and even lust. I was utterly miserable.
I tried to calm down because I knew I could not go on like that. I needed to study the teachings of Falun Gong. I told myself that I must be diligent. I tried to occupy my mind with Falun Gong's teachings so that I wouldn't think of my husband's infidelity.
Teacher said,
“What is owed must be paid for.” (Lecture Three of Zhuan Falun)
Perhaps, I had betrayed my husband in a previous life. If that were indeed the case, he would have resented me for it at the time. I would need to repay him for the pain I had caused him. I decided to stop resenting him and learn to forbear.
While searching inward, I realized that I had never truly let go of my attachment to lust. In fact, I had never stopped having intimacy with my husband. I even wanted more intimacy these past few years. How could I cultivate myself when I had never tried to eliminate my attachment to lust?
I started paying more attention to my husband and stopped reprimanding him. Meanwhile, I tried to eliminate my sentimentality, as well as my attachment to lust, resentment, and jealousy. I felt my sexual desire lessen over time.
I thought I had eliminated the emotions that had been plaguing me, however, when my husband returned to China the second time, it didn't take long for my attachments to surface.
He had come home for his aunt's funeral. I tried to repress my feelings because he was sad. He started the fighting that time.
We decided to move upstairs on the May 1 national holiday, just after his aunt's funeral. Because we decided to move at the last minute, only two people came to give us a hand, a fellow practitioner and my brother-in-law.
My husband started throwing a fit. He complained that my family did not care about us and that I did not have any friends.
He had a good relationship with my family in the past. My parents had always been very fond of him. My husband was known for getting along with anyone. But he would only see my parents briefly once he started having an affair.
When I talked back, he started yelling at me. He used to be a very patient and forgiving man. I burst in to tears, but that only made him yell louder. He stormed off and left me in tears. I had never seen my husband like that. He would have never left me in tears in the past. When he finally returned, he said, “Stop crying. It's time to visit your mother.”
“I won't go., I fussed.
“It's time. We must go see her now. I am very busy. I must get it done today,” he said coldly.
I was flabbergasted. I thought, “Is this man my husband? Is this man my warm, affectionate husband? Is this the man I have made countless sacrifices for? It is clear that he no longer cared about me. Why do I still love him when he no longer loves me? Why don't I just turn to cultivation for solace? Why don't I just divorce him and sever my emotional attachment to him completely? But could I cultivate being the poor soul that I was? If I just run away from my problems, it is not cultivation.” I was really disappointed in myself. All I really wanted was to have an ordinary life and marriage.
In the days that followed I paid close attention to my thoughts. I was determined to eliminate my romantic attachment to my husband. I gradually grew less attached to my husband's love and affection, and I remained calm until he left.
Attachments to Love, Jealousy, Lust and Anger Surface
During the following year, I focused on eliminating my attachment to love, jealousy and lust. I grew less attached to the romantic feelings I had for my husband. I thought I had eliminated my emotional attachment to my husband entirely.
I thought so until he returned home for the New Year in 2013.
The other woman started calling him at our home. She would call him in the morning and he would talk privately to her in a different room. When they were finished, he would act like nothing had happened. It was repulsive.
One morning the other woman called and while they were talking on the phone, his mother became upset. She started complaining about him being in the kitchen and I was getting upset as well. I decided to kick him out. But he started yelling at me as though I had done something wrong.
I asked myself during the fight. “Why can't I forbear this? Is anger the only way I can respond?”
Teacher said,
“Forbearance is the key to improving one's xinxing.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)? in Essentials for Further Advancement)
I asked myself, “Do I want to improve my xinxing? Do I want to cultivate? Am I able to prevail over something so trivial?” I decided to forbear. No matter what happened next, I told myself that I would not lose my temper.
After that, he started talking to the other woman on the phone in front of me. He no longer made any effort to hide the calls.
I endured.
Improving My Xinxing Changed Everything
I took that golden opportunity to improve my xinxing. I did not allow myself any excuses to slack off in cultivation. One day I felt a flow of energy entering my body from the top of my head. I became lighter and bigger while my husband got smaller. Eventually, I felt myself entering another realm where my husband could no longer reach me.
I felt very tranquil, peaceful, forgiving and compassionate. I was no longer upset with my husband, but pitied him and I felt compassion towards him. I was in tears as I thanked Teacher for His compassion and His salvation. I thought, “I have finally prevailed and overcome this test.”
Teacher has given me many opportunities to pass this test. I was sorry that it took me so long.
My husband and I became friends and we started getting along well. He confided in me and talked to me about many things, including his affair. I told him how to tell the difference between right and wrong. He listened to me like he used to. I explained to him why men and women should not have inappropriate relationships and why it was a sin. I also told him stories about traditional Chinese culture. He listened intently to what I said.
He told me she had poor health and suffered from many illnesses. I told him to tell her to recite, “Falun Gong is good” and “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good,” which are the main cultivation principles of Falun Gong. I asked him to give her a Falun Gong amulet. He thanked me.
We traveled to Dalian a few days later to visit our son. My husband had another seizure when we were there and he was without his medication. A seizure without medicine could have serious consequences. I told him to say repeatedly, “Falun Gong is good” and “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.” He recovered that evening.
My husband was very excited. “I am well! I recited, 'Falun Gong is good.' I could feel things going on inside my body and then I recovered! I am telling you the truth.” He was ecstatic. He told the entire family when we got back home. After that, his entire family believed in the power of Falun Gong. In fact, his mother started practicing and has continued to this day. My husband became an advocate for Falun Gong and tells people to recite, “Falun Gong is good.”
Not long after all of this happened my husband left the other woman. He also found a good job with very good pay. The company he is working for employs young workers in their twenties. They rarely hired someone of my husband's age. When I heard the news, I told him that he was blessed because he believed in Falun Gong. He agreed and told me to practice it with diligence.
When I improved my xinxing, Teacher was able to dissolve all of the conflicts between my husband and me. Teacher harmonizes everything. The only way I can repay Teacher is to cultivate myself well.
My understanding is limited to my present level of cultivation. Please kindly point out anything that might be inappropriate.
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Category: Improving Oneself
