(Minghui.org) I recently felt trapped in something invisible and I felt I was stuck. This feeling got stronger to the point of where the joy of cultivation and the happiness of practicing Falun Dafa that I once felt so strongly about, became remote. I had a sense of heaviness that I tried to break through, but it got worse after every attempt.
I initially thought that this was because I slacked off and had the attachment to comfort. Therefore, I spent more time studying the Fa, did more Dafa projects, and tried to help other practitioners as much as I could.
However, my cultivation state did not improve. I told myself how fortunate I was to be a Dafa practitioner and that lives in the universe are envious of us, but thoughts like that didn't help. This cultivation state lasted a while. On the surface I was doing the three things diligently, but I knew I was struggling to maintain the status quo. I could not break through the bottleneck.
Many practitioners had recently been illegally arrested, and I had just met some of them the day before their arrests. I was distressed and felt powerless. Practitioners who were not arrested asked me what we should do. I became tearful when I saw their anxious looks. I wanted to tell them I had no idea, either, but I couldn't. All I managed to say was, “I understand. Let me think about it and get back to you.”
I still could not come up with a solution after I got home. So I asked another practitioner, and he replied, “Figure it out yourself.” I couldn't continue the conversation or ask the several other questions I wanted to discuss with him. I felt very sad, as I had no one to discuss things with.
That night I sat quietly in my room, and cried silently in the dark. I thought, “Why is cultivation so hard? I feel so much pressure and I'm so lonely. I wouldn't feel so exhausted if there were another person who could keep me company under this horrible persecution.”
Recognizing My Loneliness
All of a sudden something hit me and I knew what it was: “It's loneliness!” Master said in “What is a Dafa Disciple:”
“Most frightening of all was the prolonged loneliness. What do people fear most of all? Loneliness. Loneliness can drive a person crazy; loneliness can lead a person to forget everything from before; and loneliness can even cause one to forget how to speak. It is the most terrible form of hardship.”
When I first read this paragraph I thought I was very fortunate. I wasn't lonely because I was surrounded by my parents, friends, and fellow practitioners. But I failed to recognize my loneliness from deep within.
This loneliness slowly ate away my will to cultivate and saturated me with bitterness. I struggled to do the three things, and lost the joy of cultivating in Dafa. I lacked the compassion of saving sentient beings and I was just going through the motions. I gritted my teeth and fulfilled my responsibilities.
It didn't occur to me for a long time that I was trapped by loneliness. Although my parents are with me, there are many things I cannot share with them. Especially my mother, who loves me very much and worries about me. If I would tell her someone was following me, she would worry and lose her appetite and sleep. Even though I am surrounded by practitioners, for safety reasons, I don't know many of their names.
Because of the persecution, we are very cautious and rarely communicate with each other unless it is for the necessity of Dafa projects. We are always on guard and often remind ourselves to cultivate our speech around each other. Most of the time, I help practitioners with their problems, and leave as soon as I've finished helping them. When I finally meet practitioners that I can talk to, it seems that they would either be arrested or be moving overseas.
Looking back at my cultivation path, I discovered that I was not aware of my loneliness, and I was dependent on practitioners that I could talk to. Therefore, when I was exhausted and was hoping the practitioner could give me a few pointers, “I” felt helpless when he told me to figure things out for myself. “I” was disappointed when my need for support was not met, and I fell back into the abyss of loneliness.
Master taught us in “Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference:”
“Rather, to quietly cultivate in bleak loneliness, unable to see hope, is the hardest of all. Doing any form of cultivation entails undergoing a trial such as this and a path with such features. Only if one can persevere and continually forge ahead does it amount to true diligence. It's easy to talk about, but putting it into action is tremendously difficult. That is why it's said that always cultivating as if you were just starting will surely result in achieving your ultimate rank.”
I had been at my wit's end, and I couldn't find the reason why I was stuck in my cultivation. Master said to cultivate as if we were just starting, but I simply couldn't do it.
However, once I understood the relevant Fa principles, everything became clear to me again. I came to know why I felt trapped, why I depended on other practitioners, why I felt sad, and why I was unable to cultivate as if I was just starting.
A New Door Opened
A new door has opened on my cultivation path. I realize that as long as we know that Master and Dafa are protecting and guiding us, we can jump through hoops and overcome hurdles.
I don't feel lonely anymore. When I study the Fa now, layers of Fa principles unfurl in front of me. My mind is elevating, and my righteous thoughts are stronger. They are the result of cultivating in Dafa. Compassionate Master guided me through another level, and I shall not let him down.
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Category: Improving Oneself
