(Minghui.org) I had a miscarriage at the end of 2012. As a result, I decided to quit my job and recuperate at home for a while.
But my health went downhill from that point. I had been seeking treatments everywhere, but nothing helped.
I was frustrated and, upon facing despair, I made the determination to truly practice Falun Dafa.
Actually, my parents started to practice Falun Dafa when I was in middle school. I did the exercises for several days with my mom, but never finished reading Zhuan Falun.
However, Dafa has been rooted deeply in my heart and neither did it change amidst the persecution of practitioners by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP); I knew then, like I know know, that Falun Dafa is righteous.
In these years of my cultivation, I seemed to be diligent in doing the three things and had also recited Zhuan Falun several times.
But, I could not do well with xinxing tests and felt I was stuck at one level and could not improve further.
When having conflicts with family members who do not practice, I often could not control my temper and always wanted to gain the upper hand. I would be mad at my two-year-old child for trivial matters and constantly fought with my husband.
I would regret this later, but the cycle repeated over and over. I was very upset with myself!
Recently, I couldn’t calm down to study the Fa, as though Fa-study was a task. I still recited the teachings, but couldn’t see the Fa principles at a deeper level like other practitioners.
I wanted to make a breakthrough, but couldn’t find the root cause of my issue. I thought perhaps I was influenced by the Party culture, and so I repeatedly listened to the recording of the Nine Commentaries on Chinese Communist Party and Dissolving the Culture of the CCP.
I did find that some of my problems were attributable to Party culture.
Later, I read an article with the title "Distinguishing the True Me from my Fake Self and Cultivate Solidly" on the minghui website.
I asked myself: What is my fundamental attachment? Master Li saw that I really wanted to look inward, and so he helped me.
I discovered that my fundamental attachment is seeking happiness and comfort in this human world. I also walked into Dafa with the pursuit of curing my health problems.
Through practice, my physical discomfort disappeared. So I forgot about this.
Actually, I was unconsciously trying to use Dafa to get the benefits like good health that people could not obtain without cultivation. I wanted to live well in this human world. What impure thoughts!
Master said:
“For example, some people who used to oppose Dafa or did not believe in Dafa have also come to learn to practice Dafa cultivation. Dafa can save all beings. I do not object to anyone coming to learn it, and in fact I have been teaching Dafa to all beings. The key point is that deep down inside these people do not regard me as their true master. Their purpose for learning Dafa is to use it to protect things deep down inside that they[1] cannot let go of, things in religion, or God. This is an act of plagiarizing the Fa. The intention of using Dafa is itself an unforgivable sin. For some of them, however, the human side of their minds is not quite so aware; therefore, I have been observing them all along.” (“Dafa Cannot be Used” from Essentials For Further Advancement)
My cultivation was not for the sake of improvement or enlightenment. I also finally understood why I didn't have the joy other practitioners had when they first encountered Dafa. They often regret being so late to obtain the Fa. I, on the other hand, walked into Dafa with such an impure heart!
It is dangerous to hold on to this fundamental attachment; I acted like an outsider, a non-practitioner.
One time, police came to my place to harass me because I filed a complaint against Jiang Zemin, the former CCP head, who initiated the persecution of Falun Dafa. My mother then seized the opportunity to tell them the facts of Falun Dafa. She even started to argue with one of the policemen who was slandering Dafa.
I helped my mother, but I felt like it was someone else's business. I asked myself later why I felt this way; I concluded my fear caused the problem.
Usually, I would defend myself if others criticized me. The real reason was that I didn’t regard myself as a Dafa practitioner deep inside!
Master said,
“When other people attack Dafa, if you feel that they’re not attacking you, then you are not a member of Dafa.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia”)
Why has my fundamental attachment been hidden so deeply and discovered so late? I have been protecting the “fake self” who was seeking human happiness, clinging to the human world.
I thought it was my true self.
Master said,
“If you, as a cultivator, only part with things superficially while deep down inside you still stick to something or cling to your own vital interests that you don’t allow to be undermined, I’d say to you that your cultivation is fake!” (“Lecture at the First Conference in North America”)
Before practicing cultivation, I was the person who was always very concerned about saving face. I could not be criticized.
I would argue with others even if I knew they were right. I couldn't admit I was wrong. I tried to do my best to be the best. This was also true at my workplace.
I worked hard, not because I was responsible, but because I could not let others criticize me. This attachment had been formed for a long time, and it was hard to get rid of.
Actually, many of my attachments were due to protecting this fake self. Once I discovered this fundamental attachment, it was easy to detect other attachments.
I could then quickly grab them and eliminate them. These conflicts turn out to be good things in cultivation.
I am now one of Master's true disciples. Thank you, Master!
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Category: Improving Oneself
