(Minghui.org) I had just returned from the United States. When standing at the kitchen table, I suddenly felt that something was going to happen. I could not move my right side, no longer talk, and had lost control of my bladder. This false appearance is called a brain hemorrhage.
I laid on the kitchen floor. My first thought was that this was wrong. I had attachments, but Master is against us leaving this earth early. I held on to this thought.
I wanted to discard this interference, and I remained calm, sent righteous thoughts, and held no fear. My mother realized that I had a problem, as I did not show up for dinner. She contacted my brother and asked him to check on me. He found me bent over on the floor. He immediately called an ambulance.
I had no doubt that my brother, given his human notions, wanted to do what was right. Yet, Master was against my being taken to a hospital, and my thoughts were on what Master taught us. It was a fight between good and evil.
When I was taken to the hospital emergency center, my blood pressure was tremendously high. The doctors had a difficult time in trying to lower it.
Gaining Insights from Dreams
I was plagued with a series of dreams at that time. Every attachment I had, such as to perfectionism, fear of being alone, and an inferiority complex, were used by the old forces to find a loophole. They tried to find a gap that would allow them to take my life.
One dream spoke of my walking in the woods with a hunter. He asked me why I refused to take medication for hypertension. I assumed that the old forces tried to make me feel guilty for taking medication in the hospital. This was a trick to weaken my will.
Then, the old forces went after my perfectionism. I was afraid of making a mistake. I was always afraid of doing something that invalidated the standard of a practitioner. I could never forgive myself, thus I did not want to make a mistake. I was afraid to take responsibility for anything I did wrong.
I was afraid of any situation that would require a hospital stay. My perfectionism was based on self-protection, as I did not want to face any anxiety. I wanted to escape, and thus no longer had to deal with fear.
If I continued to keep any attachment, I would not be perfect, and would give the old forces their chance to find a loophole. But, as a cultivator, how could I do everything perfectly? Then, I would have consummated and could no longer live on this earth. My perfectionism became a tool for the old forces, and my inferiority attachment was still at play.
When I think that others are better than me, I know that I will have a bad conscience, or that I had done something wrong. When it comes to eroticism, it is something arranged by the old forces at different levels. In my opinion, these thoughts are wrong. They are truly a delusion, yet they are so real that one thinks that one is really bad. Yet, there is something the old forces can't change, and that is my having to remain on this earth to fulfill my vow.
Such dreams could make me believe that this is the end, that I no longer reside on this earth, or was never on this earth, and that I dreamed everything. I am here on this earth, and this was an illusion, although rather real. I negated this and did not believe what I was told in this dream.
In a dream, I was in my world, but I was in a hospital bed. I felt that I was the ruler of this world. But, this was the wrong time to show me my world. It was for me to want not to return to the earth. Was this a reality or an illusion? I have an assignment to complete on this earth.
Looking Inside and Believing in Master
I could not walk at that time. Thus practitioners visited and gave me a CD player so I could listen to the nine lectures of Zhuan Falun. They brought what I needed most. I could listen to the Fa, as I was still unable to read, but was able to send righteous thoughts.
My condition improved and I was transferred to a regular ward. I thanked Master for allowing me to remain in the hospital. For a while, I still used a wheelchair, but I felt that everything would turn out fine.
A practitioner offered to study the Fa with me over the phone. Given the almost daily studying of the Fa, the visits from fellow practitioners, and the sharing, I felt to be part of the one body. I made an effort to study the Fa, send righteous thoughts and did part of the exercises daily. After some time I could do all five exercises.
When writing this article, I realized that I was afraid of illness or being disabled. In some of my dreams I was injured and disabled. This reflected my fear and was exploited.
After returning home I found that I feared conflicts. I did not want to run into a conflict with a practitioner. If I was of a different opinion, I did not say a word. This exposed a fear in my cultivation. This fear is another method by the evil to keep me disabled, and feeling guilty. This is to keep me from clarifying the truth about Dafa, a task that is very important to me.
In Master's poem, “Self-Evident is the Heart” – I kept remembering one sentence – “'tis Master guiding the way,” which gave me the strength to keep on going.
Master said,
Fa brings salvation to all, ‘tis Master guiding the wayOne sail is hoisted, one hundred million followLight are the boats, quick the travel with attachments cast asideBut the ocean proves hard to cross if human thoughts weigh one downSuddenly wind and clouds change,[1] and the sky threatens collapseMountainous waves churn the sea, fierce waves billowBe resolute cultivating Dafa, follow Master closelyShould attachments be too heavy, bearings will be lostAs boats capsize and sails tear, some flee for their livesWhen the silt is washed clean, ‘tis gold that shines forth
Big talk counts for naught in matters of life and death,Your capacity to act gives the true pictureWhen one day the time of Consummation arrives,The truth will bear itself in full, astonishing the earth
(“Self-Evident is the Heart,” Hong Yin, Volume. II, Translation Version A)
My fear has not been eliminated, however, I will not let it control me. I'm still here and I am able to clarify the truth in this world. I live for that – to fulfill my vows.
Treat Other Patients with Compassion – Eliminating Emotions
While in the rehabilitation center I encountered patients willing to hear about Falun Dafa. One elderly woman told me that I was a role model, as I could walk after a very short time. I gave some of them a Lotus flower and told them about Falun Dafa, including how I benefited from that cultivation practice, and how it helped me get over my illness.
One woman told me that she only holds thoughts about her family. Another told me that she was bedridden and that no doctor could help her.
Loneliness enveloped me, as I'm not married and have a minimal income. Thus, I fear to be alone and have no one to support me.
While at that center I was often close to tears when facing the fate of some of these people. I wanted to hold all of them in my heart, as they were also sentient beings who were out of luck. I have to hold compassion for them in my heart and eliminate all human sentiments.
In hindsight, I understand that time is precious. I had missed out on a few months of clarifying the truth to people. I understand that the old forces want to succeed on the back of others. I want to use my time to bring the truth to more sentient beings.
(Presented at the 2019 German Fa Conference)
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