(Minghui.org) When my mom called me for dinner one day, I saw that she gave me more than she gave herself. I suddenly realized that she always gave me the best or gave me more. Perhaps all mothers are like mine. After thinking about it, I discovered that I had become selfish and had gradually formed a notion that everyone was supposed to do favors for me. I loved to get favors!
When I realized this, I tried to change. For example, I tried to give my mom the better portions of food, but she refused to accept them. I got angry and mentally criticized her, thinking that she had made me selfish and hadn't done what was best for me. I then realized that I should not complain about her. Why was I complaining about her? Looking inward, I saw that, even though I had tried to treat her well, it came from a place of selfishness. I was not truly treating her well. Then I was afraid I was being selfish, so I felt stuck and could not cultivate well. My underlying motivation has been selfishness.
I had another, similar experience. One day, I was very sleepy and wanted to get over it. My mom said if I felt so tired, I should take a power nap. She said it again, so I took a nap. When I woke up, I was really mad at her because I'd wanted to stay awake. I thought she was doing me wrong. But I did not look within myself at all. My righteous thoughts were not strong and that made me sleepy.
I still had the mindset of complaining about others. The worse thing was that I always thought that others were doing me wrong. I did not listen to anyone and looked down on people. I had negative thoughts and was often jealous of others.
When I visited other practitioners in the past and they offered me food, I usually brought some home. At first, it didn’t bother me to do that. Then I realized that this was my attachment to self-interest and that I should not take their food home anymore.
I then tried to refuse, but they insisted, and I still refused. They asked me if it was because I worried about losing virtue. That made me very angry, and a kind of hate came over me. I looked inward and found that, when I refused, it was still based on self-interest. I was impatient and arrogant and only cared about myself.
My thoughts were not righteous. When I tried to correct myself, I discovered that this type of thinking came from the Communist Party culture. It made me aggressive. When someone disagreed with me, I got very mad.
I understood that this standard of thinking was not befitting of a practitioner, so I decided to get rid of it once and for all!
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Category: Improving Oneself
