(Minghui.org) Esteemed Master and fellow practitioners:
I started to practice Falun Dafa in 2012. I used to think that I was cultivating very well because I read a lecture in Zhuan Falun, the main book of Falun Dafa, every day, did all the exercises, and regularly participated in activities. I also often distributed informational Dafa materials by myself, and clarified the truth about Falun Dafa to many people. However, I rarely looked inward. Even, when I did look within, finding attachments and trying to eliminate them, some remained very stubborn and deeply hidden.
Today I would like to share how I found my attachments, such as pride, resentment, and envy, as well as my tendency to go to extremes. Unfortunately, I have not yet managed to completely eliminate these attachments. So I am still stuck in the middle of the process.
Not Going to the Extreme When Working on Projects
I have been involved in a media project for about two years. No sooner had I agreed to become part of this project, a local fellow practitioner asked me to get involved in clarifying the truth to politicians. This project mainly involves sending emails, organizing and running virtual meetings, and following up afterward. This is to make our Florida senators and congressmen aware of the persecution and to obtain resolutions and sanctions. This is often very challenging because the project work is not done in my native language.
These two projects not only allow me to improve my skills but also help me to take a break and reflect on myself.
Since I was working part-time in a home office at the time, I was able to devote myself to these two projects in a relatively relaxed manner. For personal reasons, I terminated the employment relationship and accepted a part-time position in a coffee house in our small town in the fall of 2021. There, I am responsible for baking and decorating tortes in the kitchen.
Also in the fall of 2021, promotion for Shen Yun was included in our activities. We were on the road for days putting up posters and distributing fliers. Besides, we hung informational brochures on the door handles of private homes.
My workload also increased during those days, as our little town was packed with thousands of tourists for four months, because of the famous Christmas lighting “Nights of Lights.” During that time, the city is illuminated with millions of lights, attracting lots of visitors. As a result, stores are open longer in the evening, including our coffee shop. We were short of staff. My work starts early in the morning, and ends later in the afternoon, depending on the workload.
At the same time, more and more delegates declared that they were ready to meet with us and get the ball rolling. It was as if Master Li (Dafa’s founder) was pushing everything forward at a rapid pace. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed with trying to balance the three things, and cope with my family, my work, the garden, and the house chores.
At this time I would like to mention that I felt a certain pride in being able to take care of many things. Most likely, Master wanted to point out that I should change my attitude and raise my xinxing.
I got up early in the morning and rushed to work after sending forth righteous thoughts globally and doing some of the exercises. There, in addition to my workload, I also accepted other activities that were ignored by a colleague who preferred to go home early instead of doing her job. As a practitioner, I thought of just filling in this gap quietly without complaining. This was to show that Falun Dafa practitioners are good people. From time to time I pointed them out in a friendly manner, but that was of no use. She is young and has different expectations – which says that she is living in a different world.
At first, I didn’t hold a grudge, but over time I started to get annoyed with the youngster. It even got to the point that I didn’t want to work with her any longer. The atmosphere was very tense.
When I walked into the kitchen one morning, gnashing my teeth, and filled with negative thoughts, I realized that I had a problem. Wasn’t I the one creating this bad atmosphere? How could I let an ordinary person influence me? How could this sentient being be saved like this? I had already clarified the facts to my work colleagues. I couldn’t let my mood swings ruin that! I immediately corrected myself and felt kindness fill my heart. When my work colleague arrived, I greeted her with a warm smile. She hugged me and said how much she appreciated me, and that she truly loves to work with me. The conflict was resolved just like this.
Facing Family Issues
At work or in society, I find it easy to be tolerant and generous. However, when it comes to my family, things are different. I immigrated to the United States with my son a little over two years ago. My husband, an American, is very supportive of Falun Dafa. In the beginning, we practiced together. However, he could not let go of his Christian faith and stopped cultivating in Dafa after some time. However, he does not mind putting up Shen Yun posters, distributing the Epoch Times, and telling other people that Falun Dafa is good.
Alas. my husband suffers from clinical depression and was often apathetic. We live in a tiny house – it’s really tiny. As a freedom-loving person, I need a lot of room and space. Our living situation created an immense challenge for me. I also don’t have a room where I can close the door and work on my projects in peace. My office desk is in a corner, and I work in the midst of family life. That can be very tiring.
Since we could put some money aside, we decided to look for a bigger house. Everything went smoothly: a bank granted us a reasonable loan, and within a very short time we found the ideal house in a quiet place, and it also had a large garden, Additionally, there was lots of nature all around. We submitted our offer and were in good spirits.
My husband also seemed to perk up. But, then we got a rejection, which wasn’t too bad because there were other options. Shortly thereafter, however, my husband collapsed physically and mentally and had to stop working. He was unable to do anything and stayed at home for six weeks. His income was in question and our dream of owning a home was no longer feasible. At the same time, I was asked to work full-time. How am I supposed to do all that without putting my Dafa-validation projects on hold? Disappointment and frustration held me in its grasp.
This was a good opportunity to look inward. Had I wanted a house of my own? Why was I striving for a nicer and better place, a bigger house? Would that positively affect my cultivation? Would it make me better at doing the three things? Did it matter whether we lived in a house, an apartment, or a trailer? Didn’t this correspond to the life goals of an ordinary person? What was my goal as a cultivator? Had I lost sight of it?
Recognizing and Eliminating Envy: Letting go of Human Feelings
I have always set high standards for myself. Since I am hardworking by nature, I wanted my husband and son to be the same. Only recently did I realize how much I control and pressure my family members.
When my husband stopped practicing, I felt resentment. Although he continued to support my cultivation and also helped around the house, he could not do anything right in my eyes. I behaved ungratefully toward him and looked down on him. In addition, his depression intensified, and he often just sat silently at the table after work for hours. This increased my resentment even more. We did not have a harmonious family life. Instead, the atmosphere resembled that of a funeral, which also had a negative effect on my son and made him depressed as well. Secretly, I blamed my husband for the whole situation.
I did not succeed in looking at the situation based on the Fa, and rectifying it. Envy grew out of resentment. Envy of other people who seemed to have a more pleasant life, envy of fellow practitioners who were always cheerful and could overcome difficulties with ease bothered me. I was envious when I saw couples or families who just seemed to be enjoying life. My days were filled with work. I squeezed in Fa study and practice somewhere, and often sat at the computer until well after midnight to complete truth-clarification projects. My day always had too few hours, and my dissatisfaction grew as I could no longer manage my “daily chores.” I was frustrated that my son was spending too much time playing video games and emptying the refrigerator. My husband didn’t seem to want to deal with it, so it all fell on me.
In addition, both my son and my father, who has also lived at the same place for 20 years, urged me to take some time off instead of spending so much time on Falun Dafa. Instead of handling the situation with kindness and forbearance, I took a combative stance, defending my practice and projects and expressing my dissatisfaction.
Master said: “It’s easy for jealousy to creep in if you are still competitive.” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun)
All of a sudden I realized that I was going to the extreme, and had strongly developed envy. When I thought more deeply about envy, I realized how many attitudes are connected to it: Resentment, pride, fighting spirit, and going to the extreme – all result from envy. In fact, envy was deeply rooted in me, layer upon layer. I had to make great haste and eliminate it completely! I should work hard on myself and let go of all my human views and negative feelings.
Wanting to control everything is also related to this. During the Shen Yun promotion, I had a major issue with a fellow practitioner. When we were distributing fliers, and putting up posters, she was constantly criticizing me. Either the tape I handed her for hanging the posters was too short or too long, or she criticized me for hanging the poster too high or too low. Then, I moved too far away from her when hanging fliers on doorknobs. She claimed that it interfered with cooperating as one body. In short, I couldn’t do anything right by her.
Inwardly, I resented her and entertained the thought of no longer doing promotions with her. But, then I reflected and thought: Hadn’t Master created an opportunity for me to raise my xinxing, and showed me a way to let go of my attachments? Didn’t this correspond exactly to the behavior I was displaying toward my husband? After all, he could rarely do anything right in my eyes. I couldn’t even let go of the mindset of keeping everything under control and felt stressed out. Even my son pointed out to me, “If Falun Dafa is so good, why are you always so bad-tempered and stressed? Maybe you should cut back a little!” How far I had strayed from the cultivation and standard of a Falun Dafa practitioner! But, if we look at others as our mirror, we can notice what’s lacking and let go of many attachments.
Moreover, resentment and negative thoughts have devastating effects. Then, I was thinking: what was I doing to my world and all my living beings with my negative behavior? Could they be saved like that?
If we do not constantly rectify ourselves, it can result in dire consequences for the living beings in our cosmos for whom we are responsible. I hope that with this realization I can finally overcome this hurdle!
Experiencing the Miracle of Dafa
We were also able to experience the miracle of Dafa. After my husband fell apart and experienced a breakdown, he had to stay in the hospital for three days and undergo several tests. Interestingly, he was physically healthy! However, the doctors prescribed psychotropic drugs and psychiatric therapy. I was not happy about this but did not want to influence my husband.
After a few days, he found that the drugs were doing him more harm than good psychologically. Silently, I asked Master for support and said to my husband, “Don’t you want to try Falun Dafa again? You have nothing to lose, only to gain.” Surprisingly, he immediately agreed.
We watched the Nine-Day Seminar videos together, and also Master’s Fa Declaration to Australian practitioners. Then, my husband said that he had gained a lot of knowledge from it. He did the exercises with me and experienced physical purification. After two weeks, he told me that he had stopped taking medication since he started practicing the Dafa exercises and felt very well. He would even feel a kind of joy inside that he had never perceived before!
I was moved to tears and thanked Master from the bottom of my heart for his compassion. The depression that had accompanied my husband all his life disappeared within two weeks! Only Falun Dafa can accomplish this! Only Master can accomplish such a thing! My husband thanked me and said, “I would be lost without you.” I told him that it was not I who had helped him, but Master and Dafa.
Even though my husband does not do the exercises regularly, and keeps going back and forth, he is much better as he is under the protection of Master. He has found a job he enjoys, set up a small private workshop, started riding a bicycle and occasionally tries out cooking recipes in his spare time. The apathetic, uninterested man has become a pioneer.
The other day I joked with my son, “Your mother is really acting petty, isn’t she?” - “Exactly,” he confirmed, mentioning the example of Shakyamuni’s disciple who was supposed to clean the bathtub. I was astonished. Although he has not practiced for a long time, my son often says quotes from Zhuan Falun. I think that Master uses his mouth to enlighten me. Once again, when I kindly encouraged him to practice together with me, my son said faithfully, “You worry too much. I know Falun Dafa is good. But, I want to have some fun in life right now. Can you understand that? I’ll return to practicing the exercises and reading Zhuan Falun.” He also supports Falun Dafa without hesitating, and lends me his speaker every time I need it for the exercises in public. He also makes sure that it is always charged.
Yes, the fate of my son is not in my hands. Neither is my husband’s. I should stop worrying. As long as I cultivate well, my family members will also benefit.
Also, reading the articles from the Minghui website helps me a lot in my cultivation. I must shamefully admit that in the early years of my cultivation, I visited this website only sporadically. It is only since I emigrated to the USA that I read the latest reports daily. Sometimes time is short, and I get a little behind on reading. Nevertheless, I make sure that I don’t miss any articles. I have tremendous appreciation for all practitioners and admire their perseverance in overcoming passes and passing exams under extreme conditions.
Master Encourages Me
Against all odds, I was able to experience some encouragement from Master.
After a hard day’s work, I planned to go swimming in our community pool – we may use a swimming pool in our residential district. It was very hot and I needed to cool down. Afterward, I wanted to do the Dafa exercises. Since I still had some project work to do, I made up my “after-work plan” on the way: swim a few lengths quickly, do the exercises, cook dinner, then finish my project assignments. Then, I should be done by sending righteous thoughts at midnight. As soon as I arrived home, my son asked me to drive him to a certain place. Since he still hasn’t received his green card, he couldn’t take the vehicle license test. I was pretty annoyed, it messed up my plan. He noticed that immediately and exploded: “You never have time for me! You’re just always on the computer and stressed out!” I tried to placate him, but he could barely calm down.
So I brought him to this place and feverishly considered how to resolve this conflict. He was right, after all, my schedule was always very tight, and the slightest change upset everything. So I corrected my thinking and decided to just stay calm. I apologized to my son and drove home. The four sets of standing exercises took an hour. Should I give up swimming? No, that didn’t seem right. I should definitely be allowed to indulge myself for 20 minutes. I took my bike and cycled to the pool.
An elderly woman met up with me at the entrance. She looked me straight in the eyes. As I swam a few lengths, she did the same, glaring at me again and again. I was irritated. What did she want from me? When I wanted to get out of the pool, she approached me. I talked to her about Falun Dafa. She exclaimed enthusiastically, “That’s why I came to the pool! You know, I’m here visiting my son. I’m going back to California tomorrow and actually wanted to go to the beach again today. But some force made me come here!” She mentioned that she was suffering from many ailments, that nothing would help her, and expressed a strong interest in Falun Dafa. I offered to teach her the first exercise, which she gladly accepted.
After we did the first Dafa exercise two times, she had to lie down. She explained that her illnesses made her very weak, and she could not stand for long. However, she felt the tremendous energy of Dafa and was eager to learn more about it. I gave her a flier with information about Falun Dafa and a paper lotus flower. She thanked me at least three times, and we said goodbye with tears in our eyes.
If my son hadn’t stopped me, this predestined person might have missed out on gaining salvation! I thanked Master for his encouragement. Master also encourages me in other ways: For about a year I have been discovering Udumbara flowers everywhere.
I’m far from getting rid of all attachments, and I still wrestle with resentment, pride, and envy. I still have a long way to go, and I am still a long way from reaching my goal of “returning to the source and to the truth.” My deepest wish is to let go of myself, be more diligent, use my time well, be a true Falun Dafa practitioner, and fulfill my mission well.
Thank you, esteemed Master, and fellow practitioners!
(Presented at the 2022 Switzerland Fa Conference)
Chinese Versionhttps://www.minghui.org/mh/articles/2022/11/1/【瑞士法会】认识并消除嫉妒心-放下人的情-451351.html
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