(Minghui.org) The COVID pandemic broke out in Wuhan in early 2020, and my city was under lockdown. The surrounding neighborhoods were closed and travel restrictions were in place. One day, my husband said, “Some people have tested positive in this city, and even the military has been deployed here.” My heart started pounding rapidly as soon as I heard this. I tried to send righteous thoughts to eliminate my fear, but it didn’t work. Whenever anyone mentioned the pandemic, I felt anxious. No matter how much I tried to send righteous thoughts, I couldn’t calm down.
My fundamental attachment—the fear of illness and death, allowed the old forces to take advantage of me. My heart pounded rapidly even though I increased the length of time I read the Fa and sent righteous thoughts every day. I lost my appetite, and felt nauseous. I couldn’t sleep well. It was hard for me to swallow food, but I ate slowly and tried to force it down. Eating was so difficult that I sometimes wept. I knew I had to eat because I still needed this physical body to help Master save people.
After sending righteous thoughts at midnight, I lay in bed with my eyes closed. I felt as if I was lying in a coffin. I did not want this feeling, so I began meditating. When I finished the feeling was still there. I meditated three times that night. By morning I was physically and mentally exhausted. I thought I was close to losing my righteous thoughts and I felt depressed.
When I mentioned my problem to the other practitioners, they sent righteous thoughts for me. One practitioner urged me to stay at her place, but I didn’t because I knew that I needed to have unwavering faith in Master and the Fa. I also needed to look inward. I decided to believe in Master wholeheartedly. I reflected on my thoughts and wondered why I felt so depressed and lacked righteous thoughts.
Confronting My Fear
First, I feared suffering, and hardship. It happened because the painful state of depression I had before practicing Falun Dafa reemerged. I wanted to get rid of it, but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t. From the perspective of cultivation, suffering is a way to improve my cultivation level, transform my karma, and improve my xinxing, which is a good thing.
Second, I feared illness. Whenever anyone mentioned the pandemic, my heart beat uncontrollably fast. It was fear, but it wasn’t from my true self. It was an attachment that needed to be eliminated. That was why it was so fearful. I decided to ignore the rapid heart beats. After seeing through the fear, I regained my righteous thoughts. I slept well that night, and the lockdown was lifted soon after.
My Husband’s Stomach
While I was trying to pass this test, my husband gave me a xinxing test. He used to have a polyp in his stomach, which was inoperable due to its location. I had gastritis and a gastric ulcer. When I had the fear of illness, my husband didn’t feel well. He wanted to have a gastroscopy, but because of the pandemic it was difficult to get medical treatment. Despite seeking medical advice and taking medications, his condition did not improve. He felt the polyp had grown bigger or perhaps even become cancerous. He was anxious, and kept bothering me. Finally, he managed to make an appointment for a gastroscopy. Two days before the procedure, he asked me to feel his stomach because he thought it had grown bigger. I reassured him that it was nothing serious, just gastritis and indigestion causing bloating.
While I was facing my fear of death, my husband’s stomach was fine. I realized his stomach issue was a test for me to let go of sentimentality toward him, and at the same time, an opportunity for him to eliminate his karma. I firmly believed that Master would not allow him to suffer from serious illness, as it would affect my cultivation. Surprisingly, the doctor did find any polyps, but said that my husband had a mild case of gastritis and a stomach ulcer. My husband was happy and went back to work. He still felt unwell after taking some medication. I asked him to read Zhuan Falun, the main book of Falun Dafa. Before he even finished the book, he felt that the blockage in his stomach disappeared, and he no longer needed the medication.
I didn’t tell my husband about my life-and-death test, for fear that he would be worried. When I told a practitioner about it, she suggested that I tell him so he could see how great Falun Dafa is. My husband was terrified when I told him about my condition. He couldn’t sleep and checking on me all night. The next morning he asked me to see a doctor. I told him about the miraculous things that happened to me after I began practicing. I said, “The hospital can’t cure me, and going there cost a lot of money and is a lot of trouble.”
A Breakthrough
He understood because he had to help take care of a family member who was depressed. He said, “It’s great that you practice Falun Dafa.” I told him that the only hope for me was to trust Master, because Dafa is miraculous. He said he hoped a miracle would happen to me.
I wasn’t sure if I could make it. I thought, “The pandemic is here and I don’t know how long we’ll have to validate the Fa. So many people have not been saved. My ordeal must be a debt I owed in a previous lifetime.”
I couldn’t stop my tears, and I wept. To my surprise, my condition improved, and I was able to eat. I am 1.64 meters (about 5ft 4ins) tall, but weighed only 42.5 kilograms (about 93 lbs). I felt bad when the other practitioners said I looked emaciated. After I broke through this test, my weight gradually increased, and now I weigh close to 55 kilograms (about 121 lbs). When my husband came back from his hometown after the Chinese New Year holiday, and saw I had weight he said Falun Dafa is really good.
Whenever fear interfered with me, I recited what Master said,
“If it only shows up as an image, you should laugh at it and send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate it yourself. It will become helpless and won’t be able to do anything. Dafa disciples are capable, and your capabilities far exceed those of it.” (“Teaching the Fa in Washington D.C. In 2018,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XV)
Whenever fear came, I laughed at it, saying, “I am a Dafa disciple. I’m not afraid of you. Master is taking care of me.”
It took me about 16 months to pass the life-and-death test. I had Dafa’s guidance, Master’s merciful protection, and the selfless help of other practitioners.
The experience laid a solid foundation for my cultivation to study and memorize the Fa. Master reminds us to study the Fa more, and study the Fa well. I had a lot of thought karma when I studied the Fa. Since I couldn’t calm down when I read, I started memorizing the Fa. It was very difficult at first, and it took me one year to memorize Zhuan Falun. When I reached the section “Cultivation Insanity”, I got stuck there for three months. During that time, I only read it through without memorizing it. Later, I got over it and resumed memorizing the Fa. I persevered and succeeded in the end.
After memorizing the book for the first time, many obstacles in my mind were eliminated. I benefited a lot, and understood more of the Fa principles.
Master said,
“Then they blindfolded his eyes and scratched his wrist once. (He was not at all cut and bleeding.) A water faucet was turned on so that he could hear water dripping, and he thus thought that it was his blood that was dripping. The man died shortly afterwards. In fact, he was not cut and bleeding—it was running water that was dripping. His psychological factors caused his death. If you always believe that you are ill, you will probably make yourself sick as a result.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
Upon reading Master’s words, I understood that the illusion of sickness is false. I could deal with it with righteous thoughts, and unwavering determination whenever I felt unwell.
I continued to memorize Zhuan Falun for the second and third time. It took me a year to finish the book the first time. Then, I memorized the book three times in one year.
I now spend one-and-a-half to two hours memorizing the Fa every morning. I go out to clarify the truth during the day, and listen to Master’s Fa teachings on the way. When I return home, I read the Fa teachings given in different places for at least an hour. I make sure that I memorize the Fa in the morning, even when I have a tight schedule.
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