(Minghui.org) I was incarcerated for four years in 2020 because I refused to renounce Falun Dafa. My son and three other relatives, who were not practitioners, but supported my practice, fought for my release. As a result three of them were arrested and given prison sentences. What happened to them because of the persecution against me, caused trouble for their families.
After I was released and returned home six months ago, I felt bad for my family. Instead of studying the Fa more and doing the three things well to make up for the loss I caused Dafa, I lost my desire to cultivate diligently. I signed the guarantee statement to stop practicing Falun Dafa while I was incarcerated, and I believed Master no longer accepted me as a one of his practitioners. I thought, “Since I can’t become divine, at least I can be a good person. I must take care of my family and stop going out every day to clarify the truth.” I took my mother, who was too old to take care of herself, and moved in with my son. This way I could help take care of my mother and granddaughter, and my daughter-in-law could get a job.
I seldom studied the Fa or sent righteous thoughts. I stopped treating myself as a cultivator no longer went out to clarify the truth. I measured everything based on human notions. I judged my son and his wife, thinking that they did not conform to traditional values. I ignored how they felt and believed that what I did was in the family’s best interest. My son and I had more and more conflicts. One day he said, “Mom, you suffered so much while you were incarcerated. What still bothers you so much?” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t seem to be able to let go of my attachments.
I kept finding fault with him and my daughter-in-law. He once told me, “You didn’t look within.” I realized Master was reminding me through him, but at the time I thought he was using the Fa to criticize me and he refused to correct his mistakes. Our conflicts became more intense, and he and his wife stopped talking to me.
I became emotional and picked on them even more. My son then said something so hurtful that it left me speechless. I felt wronged, helpless and alone, and missed being around other practitioners. My daughter-in-law quit her job and could take care of things at home, so I told her that I’d move back in when she found a job again. I left with my mother and returned home.
Stick Awakening
Through Fa study I understood that the experience at my son’s home was arranged by Master to help me improve. I realized I was too attached to everyday people’s matters, so I treated the experience as a tribulation, instead of thanking my son and his wife. I called them and said that everything that happened was all my fault. They refused to accept my apology.
Master said in Teachings at the First Conference in North America,
“...remember these words of mine: No matter what trouble you encounter, no matter what makes you feel unhappy, and no matter whether on the surface you are right or wrong, if you are to truly regard yourself as a cultivator you should always examine yourself for the cause. Ask yourself whether you have a wrong, hard-to-detect motive that is related to the problem. If you, as a cultivator, only let go of things superficially while beneath the surface you are still guarding and stubbornly defending something, defending your own vital self-interest from being infringed upon by others, I would say that your cultivation is fake! If your thinking doesn’t change, you cannot advance even one step and are deceiving yourself. Only when you truly improve from within can you make real progress.”
My heart was stirred and I realized I was afraid of being lonely. One year my son and his family came home for Chinese New Year but only stayed one day. I blamed them for not following the tradition and staying longer. When my son was about to leave, I said, “If your father were still alive, would you leave so soon?” I ran to my room and cried, begging Master, “Life is too hard in the human world. I can’t continue cultivating.”
The doorbell rang thirty minutes later, and it was a practitioner who lived some distance away. I knew Master sent her to talk to me, and I burst into tears again. Surrounded by Master’s compassion, I knew there was no reason for me to quit cultivation.
Slowly I eliminated my attachment to human sentiment. In the eyes of all my relatives and friends, my son and his wife are good people who are kind and treated me well, with respect. My son accused the law enforcement of violating the laws when they incarcerated me. He did not bow to the evil and fought for my release. As a result the authorities incarcerated him for three years with trumped up charges. Without him, my daughter-in-law had to take care for their young child alone while trying to rescue the two of us. My relatives and practitioners thought highly of her. I never did anything for my son and his family. He wasn’t the one who disrespected me, it was I who was disrespectful and had no faith in Master and the Fa. I was the one who caused all the turmoil.
Looking Within
For two decades, I always thought of myself as a genuine practitioner. However I failed miserably this time, to the point that I thought of quitting cultivation. I felt ashamed of not having truly cultivated in the past 20 years, and that I still had so many attachments: I had love for my son and depended on his family. I showed off, and did not cultivate my speech. I cared about what others thought of me (saving face). I was jealous, and did not want to be criticized. I was arrogant, judgmental and looked down on others.
I saw the following scene the next morning when I did the exercises: my son strode toward the authorities to demand my release, and my daughter-in-law held their child in her arms following him, looking strong and gentle. Tears ran down my face as I realized what I put them through.
That night I wrote a letter of apology to my son and his wife. I could feel that their perception of me was changing even before I gave them the letter. They came home on Tomb Sweeping Day, looking peaceful and relaxed as though nothing happened. When we ate, I sincerely offered my apology. My daughter-in-law said, “We didn’t do well either. It’s wonderful that we can continue to enjoy each other’s company.”
Master said in Zhuan Falun,
“Once you improve your xinxing, your body will undergo a great change. Upon xinxing improvement, the matter in your body is guaranteed to transform. What kind of changes will take place? You will give up those bad things that you are attached to.”
The more I recited what Master said, the more I felt the feeling of loneliness peel away and disappear. Master removed the bad things from me. Thanks to Master’s boundless grace I returned to the state when I first started to practice and I resumed clarifying the truth to people.
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Category: Improving Oneself
