(Minghui.org) I’m a young practitioner who was fortunate to be born into a family of Falun Dafa practitioners. Having witnessed miracles among other practitioners, I have unwavering faith in Master Li (Dafa’s founder) and Dafa. I was led by my parents to practice cultivation since childhood, so it was easy for me to obtain the Fa.
However, I lacked enthusiasm and only paid attention to cultivation when my parents guided me to do so. But without their reminders and encouragement, I would behave like an ordinary child, indulging in ordinary comforts and playing. Although I behaved well during the Fa-study sessions and experience sharing, I acted just like an ordinary person when facing real-life situations.
A prolonged lack of genuine cultivation and looking outward exacerbated the conflicts between me and my mother, even to the extent that I harbored resentment against her for 20 years without addressing the issue through the lens of a true cultivator.
Nurturing Resentment
I often read Zhuan Falun with my parents. Knowing Master’s requirements for a cultivator, I tried to apply the high standards of a cultivator to my mother. For example, if she scolded me, hit me, or yelled at me, I would think: How come she does not meet the standards of a cultivator? She would even resort to physical violence and verbal abuse.
When she quarreled with my father or grandmother, I would think: Isn’t a cultivator supposed to endure, why does she lack manners? She’s even worse than an ordinary person! Because of my family’s limited finances, my mother would often beat me or yell at me before paying my tuition, causing me to be afraid of loud sounds. Whenever I heard a noise, I would tremble and think: Even ordinary mothers know how to love their children, why is my mother like this? Prolonged looking outward and harboring resentment exacerbated the conflicts between us.
During my time in college, I lacked supervision from my mother and didn’t study the Fa or do the exercises; I became entangled in ordinary society. Attachments to competition, jealousy, resentment, and the urge to fight were amplified. I argued with my mother more frequently, and I would often call her to just vent my anger, complaining about the many ways she had wronged me. Because I couldn’t stand her sudden bursts of anger, I would often have some bad thoughts, such as: only if something bad happened could my mother’s character change, and she would look inward.
A Sober Awakening
My father’s passing woke both my mother and me up from the state of ordinary people; it was like being hit with a hammer. The grief was overwhelming, and my mother had been trapped in sentimentality for my father for a long time. Many practitioners came to help us, and I returned to group Fa study. With their help, I truly embarked on the path of cultivation. The first hurdle I faced was how to let go of resentment against my mother.
Through continuous Fa study, I found the root of my resentment. While studying Zhuan Falun with other practitioners, I read this passage:
“In cultivation, there may be two scenarios when dealing with specific conflicts or when others treat you badly. One is that you might have treated this person badly in your previous life. You feel in your heart that it is unfair, “How can this person treat me like this?” Then why did you treat this person that way in the past? You might claim that you actually did not know it at that time, and this lifetime has nothing to do with another lifetime, but that won’t do.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
Resentment for my mother mainly stemmed from my attachment to sentimentality. I was afraid of my mother worrying about me, so I resigned from a job I liked. She then blamed me for being incompetent. I was aggrieved in my heart, thinking it was her who forced me to resign, yet I ended up being scolded. This grievance, along with being unwilling to be criticized, surged within me.
I remember the caring attitudes of other mothers toward their children when I was young, which made me feel even more aggrieved and resentful. Being overly concerned about my mother’s attitude and actions was itself an attachment to sentimentality. Since my mother is a cultivator, I expected more from her. However, she behaved worse in front of me than other mothers. But I also took her kindness for granted, and if I didn’t get it or wasn’t satisfied, I would harbor resentment.
When I complained to a practitioner family member about my mother, she said: “Why do you have to tell her everything? You can make decisions for yourself.” I realized that I still had a great dependence on my mother. Although I seemed to have grown into a young adult, deep down, I was still just a child relying on my parents’ guidance. I would only do things when they asked me to and, without their reminders, I would rarely go to group Fa-study or did the exercises. I had taken it for granted, thinking that in a cultivators’ family, the parents should be more diligent in leading young practitioners. So there was the problem of my seeking to learn from other practitioners, but not from the Fa. Every time my mother’s behavior was problematic, I would subconsciously question: Why is my mom like this? Are all Dafa cultivators like this? Is Dafa really good?
I regarded her as a cultivator but failed to realize that she was also in the process of cultivation, and her actions could not represent Dafa. These conflicts actually served as a reminder of my excessive dependence on others. A true cultivator must have their own faith in Dafa and righteous thoughts in the midst of ordinary social environments and family conflicts.
With continuous Fa study and looking inward, I gradually learned to see myself as a cultivator. I would no longer fight with my mother and can now calmly accept it when she would occasionally hit me. I’m able to empathize with her and appreciate her effort. Gradually, I stopped complaining about her impatience and grievances against me, because I could have compassion for the hardships she faced.
I also kept eliminating my laziness and took on household chores more often. As my attitude changed, so did my mother’s. She would no longer explode in anger, and her temper had improved. We can now discuss things calmly and, whenever I encountered difficulties in cultivation, she would offer guidance from the perspective of the Fa, instead of lecturing me with worldly advice.
I later developed some resentment for my mother again, blaming her for being too concerned about worldly affairs. The old forces exploited our gaps, and she was detained in a police station for two days. During that time, I cried my eyes out, and I regretted that I didn’t truly appreciate the cultivation environment I had before. With only the two of us left in the family, instead of mutually encouraging each other’s improvement in cultivation, I remained trapped in resentment and couldn’t let go of my attachment.
With other practitioners’ help and continuous Fa study, I discovered that the main reason for our being persecuted was due to unresolved resentment. I implored Master to help me rescue my mother, and I promised to seize the time to cultivate and eliminate my resentment. On the third day, with Master’s blessing, she managed to leave the police station with righteous thoughts. Some miracles occurred during the process, leaving the officers at the police station marveling at the wonders of Dafa.
Eliminating Layers of Resentment
Every layer of my dimensional field was occupied with resentment, leading me to constantly encounter tribulations. In my attempt to let go of this fighting mentality, I changed my attitude toward my family members. But I didn’t truly let go of resentment. During every conflict, my mother’s criticisms often made me explode in anger. She would blame me for others’ deliberate provocations or withdrawals from my bank account, which also triggered my anger. As I continued to study the Fa and strengthen my righteous thoughts, I found that every time I was enraged, it was related to the entanglement of right versus wrong. I asked myself: Why should I bear the consequences when others are clearly at fault? Why should I be scolded when others are clearly wrong? My attachment to right and wrong and refusal to forgive when I was right kept me trapped in resentment.
But what a cultivator must achieve is to unconditionally look inward, especially at critical moments. Each conflict may not affect me deeply, but my mother’s words can instantly make me angry. She would also give me a fierce look when she was talking about me with other practitioners.
The attitudes of ordinary people can no longer move my heart. Letting those who matter most to me and whose opinions I value come forth to help me eliminate the resentment could offer the best opportunity for my improvement. Everything is there to help me improve in cultivation, but I often found myself unable to extricate myself from the role of acting like an ordinary human.
I’m embarrassed to admit that, although I have been practicing cultivation for over 20 years, it has only been these past three years that I have truly begun genuine cultivation. I now have a new understanding and feeling about cultivation, and my faith has become stronger.
The above are some reflections and experiences in my cultivation. Please correct me if anything is not in accordance with the Fa.
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Category: Improving Oneself
