(Minghui.org) Even though I’ve been doing the three things for more than 20 years, my xinxing hasn’t improved, and I feel I hit a wall in my cultivation. Especially these last two years I have felt that my efforts to clarify the truth haven’t been effective. Seeing other practitioners around me actively doing the three things, I was anxious and didn’t know where I fell short.
After a few incidents I realized my ego was interfering with me. Because I failed to see my problem for a long time, I unwittingly protected and nourished my ego, and many other attachments I had trouble letting go of, expanded. I had attachments such as competitiveness, show-off mentality, jealousy, looking down on others, and more. I always want to change others and impose my understandings on them.
I’d like to share some of my realizations about ego. Please kindly point out anything that is not in line with the Fa.
My Attachment to My Father
My 89-year-old father passed away last year after suffering from sickness karma for more than six months. I was deeply saddened, but I realized that I had strong affection for him. I sent righteous thoughts, but I wept whenever I thought of him.
I remembered his kind voice and smile, his honesty and kindness, and his righteous actions in the face of the persecution of Dafa. What I found even harder to accept was that, despite my efforts to help him, he still passed away.
My father experienced serious sickness karma every year for seven or eight years. He firmly believed in Falun Dafa and endured the pain. I fulfilled my responsibilities as a filial daughter and encouraged him to improve his understanding of Dafa’s principles.
I increased the length of time I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate the negative beings and bad elements that were persecuting him. Other practitioners also shared with him based on Dafa’s principles. Each time he became “sick,” my father was able to overcome it and he was fine. Many of our relatives and friends witnessed the extraordinary power of Dafa.
What I didn’t expect was that just as the Fa-rectification was about to end, my father was taken away by the old forces. I blamed myself for my father’s death. I believed my righteous thoughts were strong, but perhaps I had not done well in cultivation.
I was stuck in regret and self-blame, and started slacking off in my cultivation and doing the three things. I realized that it was dangerous to continue like this and started to rectify myself. I knew that only by studying Dafa’s teachings well could I quickly get back on the right track.
Master dropped me a hint and the word "ego" appeared in my mind. I started to reflect on my thoughts and actions while my father was sick and after he passed away.
Master helped me see my ego and its manifestations in my dimensional field – I didn’t want my father to go to the hospital; I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to pass the tribulation; I wanted my father to get well soon in order to validate the power of Dafa; I hoped my father would get better and stay with my mother for the rest of their lives, as it would also maintain the harmony of our family and I would have less to worry about; I had righteous thoughts and confidence, and I would be able to help my father pull through the sickness karma...... The entire time I focused on what I thought, on my ego, which was based on selfishness.
I also realized that a hidden reason I was so upset about my father’s passing was that his death impacted my strong ego which was hidden in my dimensional field for a long time. I felt pain because my ego was disturbed.
I felt really ashamed when I realized where I had fallen short. Master said,
“Cultivation depends on one’s own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one’s master.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
The fact that my father was able to pull through serious sickness karma before was because Master endured enormous suffering for him and strengthened him. It had nothing to do with my selfish ego—but I thought that I did this or that. I overestimated my own strength and ability. After I identified my ego, I was determined to eliminate it.
My Mother and My Husband
To others, I’m a filial daughter and a caring wife. But I know in my heart, even though I care about them, I also look down on them.
I don’t like the way my mother talks. I think she talks like an everyday person. She likes to meddle in people’s business even though she’s practiced Dafa for more than 20 years.
I thought my mother only reads the Fa and does the exercises. She doesn’t cultivate her xinxing and she depends on others. She sometimes talks even while she sends righteous thoughts. I pointed out her shortcomings numerous times, but with little effect. I decided I couldn’t be bothered anymore.
I tried to stop her when she talked while sending righteous thoughts, but she said, “Don’t hold me to your standards. You can cultivate at your high level, and I'll cultivate at my low level. Master is taking care of me, not you.” I was speechless, thinking perhaps I was too attached to her.
When she talked about others behind their backs, I reminded her it was wrong. She was angry and said, “You want to control me! I can’t say this, and I can’t say that. Do you want to suffocate me? Why do you always want to control me? Just mind your own business!” She was so angry that she fainted.
My younger sister and I were terrified. I kept calling my mother’s name while tears rolled down my face. I felt regret but wronged at the same time. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought: Since this is what you want I won’t remind you anymore. After all, only those who truly cultivate their xinxing can improve in cultivation.
After my mother recovered, I told her, “I won’t talk to you like that anymore.”
“I know you’re trying to help me,” my mother said calmly, “But the way you talk makes me feel uncomfortable.”
My sister later told me that my mother said I was a filial and kindhearted daughter. She cared for me but she was also afraid of me because I always picked on her.
I felt bad, thinking I was only trying to help my mother cultivate, why was she afraid of me? I looked within and realized I didn’t have enough compassion and my tone wasn’t calm or kind. I still had many human sentiments towards my mother, and I must let go of them.
I saw it was my problem—ego. I always wanted my mother to do what I wanted, and when she didn’t, I was unhappy. I thought I was well-educated while she was not, so I wanted her to do things my way. This was my ego at work behind the scenes.
My father worked out of town for years so my mother always discussed things with me, saying I was upright and handled things fairly. As time went on, I developed a strong ego, which I felt was normal. Even after I started practicing Falun Dafa, I never felt I had a problem.
Everyone said my husband was a good man—he is kind and always ready to help. He never competes for personal gain and does not talk about others behind their backs.
However, he is not good enough in my eyes. Before he began practicing Falun Dafa, he smoked and drank. He liked to play mahjong and didn’t seem to care about the family. I thought he didn’t know how to talk to people, and ignored others’ problems. We often argued before we started practicing.
After we began practicing I knew I should follow the Fa’s standards. I started to care about him and no longer focused on his shortcomings. However, in my heart I wanted him to change.
For the last couple of years he always seemed to be at odds with me. For example, a few times, when it was cold outside and I gave him a warm jacket to put on, he refused even though he was shivering. When I put delicious food in front of him, he refused to eat. It was obvious that he was harboring some rebellious feelings against me.
He got angry with me over a trivial matter. I said, “How come you are nice to everyone, but me? No matter how hard I try to be nice to you, you always treat me like an enemy.”
“Because unlike you, my relationships with others are not formed on the basis of material interest.” he said.
“There is no such thing as material interest in our relationship,” I argued.
“Just think whatever you want......” he said to me indifferently.
Another time, because he always left the charger plugged in after his phone was fully charged, I told him it was unsafe. To my surprise, he got angry again and said loudly, “You always think you are so great, you think of me as nothing, you want to control me in everything. I can’t do anything well, and you are the only one who is good. Is this how you practice Falun Dafa? You only think of changing others, change yourself!”
I was shocked. When I calmed down, I realized what he said made sense. I appeared to care about him, but I kept an eye on him as I was worried about what he was doing.
In the past, every time we had a conflict, I looked inward, but I only focused on our relationship as husband and wife, or letting go of competitive mentality, attachments to resentment and looking down upon others. I never dug deep enough to see my strong ego, which was the root of many of my attachments.
For many years, this ego prevented me from improving in cultivation and caused a lot of harm to me and my husband.
My Ego Regarding Other Practitioners
I started to practice relatively early, so I felt I understood Dafa’s principles. Whenever other practitioners asked me to help, I did. I felt I was doing well in cultivation.
I always talked about my own understandings instead of listening to others. When I didn’t like what someone said, I interrupted them and gave my opinion. When they didn’t agree with me I argued with them.
I also looked down on some practitioners, such as those I thought had a weak main consciousness, or who liked to talk about principles too high for non-practitioners to understand. I felt others lied and did not cultivate their speech. I avoided them. I had no compassion or humility.
Ego and Its Harm
Ego manifests in many ways: One tends to think he or she is always right and better than others. One is arrogant, always wanting to be in charge and change others. One likes imposing one’s understanding on others, and so on. Ego is a strong manifestation of selfishness, a typical characteristic of beings in the old universe, who want to change others instead of themselves, which was the very reason why they dropped down from higher levels of the universe.
There are also poisonous elements of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) in its advocating atheism hidden behind ego. Doesn’t the CCP always flaunt itself to be forever “great, glorious and correct”?!
It is extremely harmful for a cultivator if one cannot let go of ego. Eventually one may no longer respect Master and Dafa. One many no longer have kindness and compassion, which would seriously hinder one’s assimilation to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. What’s worse, one would embark on a path of no return with one’s mind going astray.
When one fails to let go of ego, one would find it hard to live in harmony with others and work well with other practitioners. It would also give rise for the old forces to find excuses to persecute practitioners, making it very hard for them to fulfill their pledges and enter the new universe in the future because only those who reach the standards of selflessness and compassion are qualified.
Light Hearted after Letting Go of Ego
After I identified the essence of ego, I understood that my mother’s, my husband’s, and other practitioners’ “shortcomings” were helping me target the ego I hadn’t let go of. They were actually helping me so I could improve.
I felt really ashamed of myself for my earlier conduct, and sincerely apologized to them in my heart. I made up my mind that I would be more diligent in cultivation and do better.
This ego is in fact selfishness, which runs through very high levels, and is reflected at every level. When I can distinguish it and eliminate it whenever it tries to influence me, I feel both clear-headed and broad-minded, and I no longer cling to other people’s shortcomings. After all, they are all Master’s relatives and loved ones, and they had all risked their lives to come down to this world to be saved by Dafa’s salvation. What a sacred affinity it is that we can get together in this lifetime. Shouldn’t I cherish it even more?!
I was also pleasantly surprised to find that after I gradually let go of my ego, my mother also became more receptive when I kindly pointed out her shortcomings. My husband has also changed. His long-face has become relaxed and he also takes the initiative to cook and clean up the house when I am too busy. He also speaks more softly and doesn’t argue with me like in the past.
Dafa is so miraculous. With every little improvement we make our compassionate Master gives us so much. Thank you, Master!
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