(Minghui.org) Greetings, Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I’m a first-year Biomedical Science student at Fei Tian College Middletown.
While I wrote this experience-sharing article, I realized my attachment to fame was strong. After I resumed cultivating, I wanted to hide my past experiences so I wouldn’t be judged. I wanted to “save face” and I worried what others might think of me. However, writing about and exposing my attachments allows me to truly look at what I lacked in relation to the Fa (teachings). The following are some of my recent experiences and what I understand from the Fa after I resumed practicing Falun Dafa in November 2023.
My Life Before I Truly Began Cultivating
Even though both my parents practice Falun Dafa, I never truly understood the meaning and purpose of cultivation. “Looking within” was my least favorite thing to do. When I was 12, I was sent to Taiwan to study Classical Chinese Dance at Niaosong Academy of the Arts. We were required to study the Fa and do the exercises every day, but because I wasn’t truly practicing, I didn’t understand why.
However, I wanted to go to Shen Yun so I “endured” 4 years of doing the exercises and Fa study. One question on the application form for Shen Yun asked why we are applying, and every time I wrote: “To help Master save sentient beings!” But those words hid my strong attachments to fame and pride. I applied 7 times, and I was rejected each time. I finally accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be admitted to Shen Yun, so I felt I no longer needed to do the exercises or study the Fa.
I was blinded by my attachments and refused to pass the tests I was offered. Deep down, I knew these were trials for me to overcome, but I always chose the easy way out – it was easier to blame others or the situation, rather than looking within. I was stagnating in my cultivation because I didn’t understand the Fa. I slowly began developing contempt for Dafa.
I returned to my home country when I was 16. My contempt for Dafa deepened. I was finally free of all the boundaries and rules I felt Dafa placed on me. Now that I could do whatever I wanted I gradually came into contact with drugs. I sought some sort of escape from the pain of life and slowly, these substances began to take control of me.
But even when I engaged in these activities, I wasn’t truly happy, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was. I stopped going to school and I felt life was meaningless. I was losing my will to live. I struggled with substance abuse and depression. The situation was so bad that when I came home one day my parents almost did not recognize me because of the terrible state I was in. During this period, I made countless bad decisions and placed myself in many life-threatening situations. Looking back, although I didn’t want to admit it at the time, without Master’s protection I may not be alive today.
It was time for me to apply for college. An auntie came to our home, and she talked with my Dad for almost 4 hours. I later learned she was telling him about the newly formed college in Middletown, New York. I had been awarded a full scholarship by a university in Taiwan, and I was unwilling to give up the opportunity to have a degree from such a prestigious university. After she left I argued with my Dad about which college to attend.
One day, I overheard my auntie tell my Dad, “Look at her now! She looks more like a ghost than a human being!” I was shocked and angry. I thought, “She’s just a sad old woman who doesn’t know anything about young people!”
When I joined my friends at the park that night I observed them from a third-person viewpoint. Families with children avoided us. In that moment I saw what we looked like to other people. Although I didn’t want to admit it, I knew what my auntie said about me was true. What had I become? I was not even a normal person. This insight pushed me to realize that I couldn’t continue living like this. So, although I was still reluctant, the next day, my dad helped me process my visa and we booked plane tickets to New York. Looking back, all of this was meticulously arranged for me to return to cultivation.
Coming to College and Beginning Cultivation
However, before I arrived at the Fei Tian College Middletown – this may sound extreme – I swore to myself that I would never practice cultivation again. My parents encouraged me to join the self-cultivation class offered by the college, so out of respect for them, I signed up for it. However, I still didn’t want to have anything to do with other practitioners. I was surprised when I arrived – everyone was so nice and welcoming that I felt like the odd one with my contemptuous attitude.
When a conflict arose with a friend, my roommate (who is a practitioner) talked to me and although she didn’t explicitly remind me to use Dafa’s principles, Zhen Shan Ren (Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance), she talked to me like I was a practitioner. I was very fond of her, so I decided to give “letting things go” a try. Letting go was an approach I did not consider for years. After I forgave the friend I was having a conflict with, I was surprised – my body felt light, and even more so when I went to bed that night. I slept more soundly than I had in a long time. It seemed like a trivial situation, but the impact it had on me was tremendous.
Master said,
“But true improvements come from letting go, not from gaining or getting your way.” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Philadelphia, U.S.A.,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume II)
For the first time, I realized that the Fa doesn’t oppress us; instead it uplifts us. That night I lay in bed with tears streaming down my face. That practitioner’s compassion touched me, and truly letting go gave me a sense of indescribable peace – something I never felt before. For many years I kept looking for different ways to find this peace – I did not realize the answer was right in front of me; my attachments were too strong for me to see the beauty and compassion Falun Dafa offers. That night, I decided that I was going to truly accept the Fa and reenter cultivation.
The next morning, my phone wouldn’t turn on. It was only two years old and had no previous issues. I always backed up the data on my devices – that phone was, in fact, the only device that I didn’t back up. When I started stressing about all the photos and memories I had lost, I realized that I bought this phone when I began to deviate from the Fa. Consequently, it contained a lot of bad images and things that happened in the past, that since I reentered cultivation, I shouldn’t be associated with.
I knew the contents of this phone would do nothing but hold me back and keep me connected to the past and I should let it go. I heard a friend was selling his phone. Another friend originally planned to buy it, but she changed her mind. I’m incredibly grateful and understood it was Master’s arrangement to help me start anew.
Connecting with Old Friends
It was time to return home for the winter break, but I was uncertain whether I’d be able to resist the temptations I would face when I met with old friends. When we went out, after catching up with them for a bit, they invited me to engage in some inappropriate activities. I could see the substances they were holding in their hands were surrounded by a dark cloud.
The right choice couldn’t be clearer. I told them about Dafa and how it helped me overcome my addiction, and how great I felt after those things no longer controlled me. Some commented that I looked much better. However, others teased me and said I stepped into a strange world of religion and even tried to persuade me to change my mind.
The older Falun Dafa practitioners frequently talked about the “degeneration of humanity,” but I never fully understood what they meant. I did not realize how serious the situation had become. After meeting with my old friends I realized how lucky I was to study in an environment as clean and pure as Fei Tian College Middletown.
While my friends were telling me everything that I was “missing out” on, a strong sense of compassion came over me. They are living in a world of delusion, yet they do not know it. I gave each of them a lotus flower that I prepared and tried my best to answer their questions about Dafa.
I thought of what Master said,
“Indeed, practitioners will say, “Everyday people have their pursuits, and we don’t seek them. As for what everyday people have, we also aren’t interested. Yet what we have is something that everyday people cannot obtain, even if they want to.”” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
This interaction with my past helped solidify my faith in the Fa. I saw this encounter as encouragement from Master to continue doing what I was doing – I knew that if I did not come to Fei Tian College Middletown and obtain the Fa, I would be just like them, lost and without purpose. Seeing my old friends served as a reminder of how much the Fa and Master helped me. What I gain from the Fa is indeed something that surpasses what is seen by human eyes.
Eliminating Qing and Having Faith in Master’s Arrangements
Other practitioners told me that one of the first big tests we encounter after we begin practicing is qing (emotion). I never thought I had this issue.
I met a practitioner I was very attracted to. We studied the Fa and talked about our cultivation. I spent a lot of time talking to him and I did not focus on schoolwork. I used the excuse that we were Fa studying together to cover up for the fact that I was not doing well. Although I knew it was not good for my cultivation to continue the relationship, I struggled to let go of my qing.
Before I went home for winter break, I became clearheaded and stopped interacting with him. But during winter break and after I returned, it was a constant back and forth of not being able to make the decision that would be better for both of us.
Master said,
“If you hold on to humanness with one hand and won’t let go, and you hold on to Buddhahood with the other hand and won’t let go, just which one exactly do you want? When you can truly let go the situation will definitely be different.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume III)
I wanted to improve my cultivation, but I did not want to change. When we talked again after winter break, I felt qing tugging at me. I knew I was letting my humanness take control, and it stopped me from improving in this situation. The decision was so difficult to make because I could not let go of my attachment to qing and comfort. I knew that in order to be able to walk a righteous path, I had to let go of these things which were holding me back. When I let go of what I wanted, and instead, thought of what Master wanted me to do, I was able to make the responsible and firm decision.
I already lost so many years in cultivation but I was still letting my attachments weigh me down. How could I let these things stop me from fulfilling what is required of me, a Fa-rectification Dafa practitioner, wasting precious time that I do not have? Being here at Fei Tian College Middletown is participating in a Dafa project, so I have to try to do my best in my studies in my current role of student. I should focus on my cultivation and doing the three things well instead of dwelling on tests that stem from the very attachments that I should be eliminating!
Through this situation, I also realized I lacked faith in Master and his arrangements. As practitioners, we should trust and have complete faith in the path he planned for us. Yet I was trying to change my path and wanted to gain something for my own personal pursuits, without thinking of the consequences and role I am responsible for as a Dafa practitioner.
Master said,
“To do well is to not walk down the path arranged by the old forces; the goal is to not allow the old forces to take advantage of your gaps.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2002 Conference in Washington, D.C.,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume II)
Isn’t acting on my desires and attachments exactly what the old forces wanted? If I want to do well, how could I let these attachments keep me from the righteous path planned for me? I used to be quite envious of my friends, who all seemed to have some sort of romantic interest. However, after this experience, I was more grounded in what I should do as a practitioner. Acting irrationally for my personal desires and attachments is deviating from or even going against the path Master arranged for me. There is too little time and many sentient beings are waiting to be saved. I knew that I must remain diligent in my cultivation and do well.
Letting Go of Attachments to Fame and Pride
I felt drained after the recent midterms because I was not able to sleep for 2 nights.
At the start of the semester, I was determined to get good grades. I studied hard but did not get the results I expected. When I took the second exam and didn’t see any improvement I felt deflated. I was filled with anxiety when I studied for exams, and I could not sleep or eat well. I didn’t feel good and had no energy.
Feeling defeated and sleep-deprived, I was annoyed at how difficult the exams were and I also developed feelings of envy and injustice towards those who did better than me.
I suddenly remembered that I’m a practitioner, yet on this matter I’m acting like the ordinary person Master mentioned in Zhuan Falun. I was allowing my attachments to affect me, causing me to be sleepy during Fa study, exercises, and classes. I noticed the constant panic I felt before exams because I’m so afraid of not doing well. Driven by the desire for recognition, I’m afraid I’ll obtain a grade that won’t satisfy my desire for fame and I will lose face.
I knew that the more I allowed my attachments to manifest, the more chances the old forces had to interfere. I knew I must eliminate these attachments and try my best to do everything with righteous thoughts.
Although on the surface, I say I want to do well as Fei Tian College Middletown is an important Dafa project, the real reason I want good grades is to satisfy my pursuit of pride and fame. The intention is not pure and I had to correct my thoughts. I firmly reminded myself that I’m attending Fei Tian College Middletown as a stepping stone to fulfill my role as a Dafa practitioner, not to be famous or pursue things for myself.
After acknowledging these deeper attachments, I stopped trying to “crack the code” and trying to find shortcuts while studying. Instead I focus on understanding and learning the content. My grades are no longer my focus. I know I should still work hard to fulfill my roles and duties as a student, but I should not be attached to the results. This makes studying and attending school much more enjoyable.
Conclusion
Although I’ve only cultivated myself for a short time writing about my experiences has allowed me to reflect on how the Fa and Master’s boundless compassion gave me a second chance to cultivate and ultimately, saved my life. The increasing distance from my past makes me feel like re-entering cultivation is a rebirth – I’m no longer the person I used to be. Reentering cultivation and letting the Fa guide me feels like a bright, shining light that has been reintroduced into the darkest depths of my mind. I owe all that I have, and will ever have, to Master and the Fa.
It seems I had to lose the Fa in order to be able to treasure it as I do now. I sincerely hope that no other practitioner ever makes this mistake of cherishing the Fa after it has nearly been lost. While focusing on doing the three things well, let’s also keep an eye out for each other, and provide a compassionate helping hand to those practitioners who seem to be struggling or slacking off.
Throughout my journey of cultivation, I often experience loneliness. I would like to end this paper by sharing something Master said that encouraged me during those times:
“But I can tell you this: as long as you diligently cultivate yourself, I am constantly by your side.” (“Teaching the Fa at the International Experience-Sharing Conference in Beijing,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume I)
My level and understanding of the Fa are very limited. I still have many attachments to eliminate and room for improvement. If there is anything I’ve said or done that’s not in accordance with the Fa, I sincerely ask you to point it out.
I hope that we can all make good use of our time, stay diligent, continue cultivating, and establish our mighty virtue.
Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
(Presented at the 2024 Fei Tian College-Middletown Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference)
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