(Minghui.org) Before practicing Falun Dafa, I was a young man with a bad temper, who resented everyone and everything. This resentment weighed on my heart, caused me a lot of misery, and led to other people distancing themselves from me. After practicing Falun Dafa, I learned to look within instead at others, and held myself to a higher standard.
A Life Full of Resentment
Whenever I faced a difficult situation. I complained and casually threw insults here and there, always blaming someone or something else for even the most minute troubles. Sometimes, when I felt helpless, I would direct my frustrations towards objects, smashing tables, kicking doors, punching my computer screen, and so on. I even mistakenly thought that I was powerful when I got angry, that people would back down and respect me when I raged; yet, I practically had no self-control. The only thing that restrained me from venting my anger more often were the fear of my father punishing me, and the fear of losing face in front of my friends.
Growing up immersed in the internet and playing video games did not help, but deepened this resentment even more. Many protagonists in movies and video games nowadays are portrayed as being well-respected and free-spirited people – always doing what they want, saying the first thing that pops into their minds, and solving all of their problems with their fists. On many occasions, I wished that I could just punch my way out of my problems like them. On the other hand, when it came to social media, due to being anonymous, many people made distasteful and irresponsible comments to start conflicts and hurt others. I would get angry easily if I saw comments that I did not agree with. My emotions were like a roller coaster, and my day could be ruined by something I saw online. Other people’s words and actions dictated how I felt and thought.
Because of such strong resentment, fortified with strong human misconceptions, I made some of my teachers cry numerous times with my unruly attitude. One of my mother’s coworkers told her that I was not normal. This comment stuck with my mother for quite a while and worried her, as she did not know how to deal with me at the time. My father whipped me with a stick from time to time. My little brother had very little respect for me, and did not listen to me much. Some of my friends often hesitated to play board games with me as they were afraid that I would lose control of my temper again when things did not go my way. Oddly, they often asked me to check their schoolwork for mistakes, seeing that I could always find even the smallest mistake and was often full of criticism. I often felt resentment for all of them, my mother’s co-worker, my family members, and my friends. I did not not want to look within myself and find that they were right.
Of course, my health was not good at all; I often could not fall asleep. Whenever I went to bed, holding my anger in, I slept more and woke up feeling drained – not wanting to do anything on those days. Looking at my old photos back in those days, one of my friends said that I used to look “miserable and old” and everyone agrees that I look much better now.
Learning to Consider Other First
My mother began to practice Falun Dafa and often told me stories of how other practitioners from all different backgrounds entered the practice and changed into better people. I became curious after learning that even people with scientific careers were cultivating in Dafa, and that there are many unheard-of scientific principles in the book Zhuan Falun. I borrowed Zhuan Falun from my mother and began to read it. It took a year for my first read. However, I was amazed by all the principles unveiled to me in the book, so I decided that I wanted to be a cultivator.
Slowly, I learned to control my anger and to put other people first when doing anything. In the past, I made many people cry by saying very direct and awful things, using the most aggressive words known to me at times and thinking that I was just being truthful.
However, Master Li, the founder of Falun Dafa, taught me:
“In cultivating Zhen-Shan-Ren, the Tao School emphasizes the cultivation of Zhen. Therefore, the Tao School believes in the cultivation of Zhen to nurture one’s nature; one should tell the truth, do things truthfully, become a truthful person, return to the original, true self, and in the end, become a true person through cultivation. However, it also includes Ren and Shan, but with an emphasis on the cultivation of Zhen.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
A Tao emphasizes the cultivation of Zhen (or Truthfulness) but that Zhen must also include Shan and Ren (Compassion and Forbearance). How can a Tao say mean things to make other people cry? I realized that I had not been truthful towards myself either. If I truly had thought of other people’s needs before running my mouth I would have considered the effect of my words. I would have thought about whether others could take what I was saying. I only wanted to retaliate against other people and hurt them to satisfy my anger at the moment. My intention was a bad one. I became more reserved and careful of what I said afterwards.
The Principles of the Fa Are Taught to Me Only
One day in 2022, I was playing chess with my then roommate. During the game, when I put him in a difficult situation, he said that it was only because I had changed my move previously, which I do not remember doing even now. When I asked him which move I changed during one of my turns, he said that he did not remember but was quite certain that I did, circling his finger around half the chessboard and claiming that “it was somewhere in this area.” I pressed him a bit more on his claim and he snapped, saying that he did not want to play with me anymore, that I won, and he went to his room immediately, which ticked me off a little. But I did not feel bad about it.
In my room, angry voices filled my head and I reminded myself that I was a practitioner and that I shouldn’t lose control of myself. I tried to think of the good qualities of my roommate but was left blank, unable to think of anything at all. Suddenly, I heard him complaining about me to his mother when he talked to her on the phone, accusing me of being a cheater and a coward for not admitting my cheating. I blew up immediately, shouting loudly in my room asking him why he was accusing me of something that he did not have any recollection of. Of course, he fought back with some words and refused to come out of his room to face me. It was just like what Master said:
“For instance, upon arriving at the workplace, a person overhears two people saying bad things about him, things bad enough to make him furious. We have said, however, that as a practitioner one should not fight back when being punched or insulted, but should hold oneself to a high standard. Thus, he thinks that Teacher has said that as practitioners we should not be the same as other people and must hold ourselves to a higher standard. He will not quarrel with those two people. But normally when a problem arises, if it does not irritate you psychologically, it does not count or is useless and cannot make you improve. So he can’t get over it and it bothers him. It could be that his mind obsesses over it and he keeps wanting to turn around and look at the faces of those two people. When he turns his head to look, he sees the two with wicked-looking expressions on their faces, and they’re getting all worked up. In that moment, he can’t take it anymore, his temper flares up, and he may start fighting with them right away.” ( Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
That night, I couldn’t sleep. All kinds of bad thoughts cropped up in my mind, questioning how a person could be so unreasonable and selfish. When I decided to read Zhuan Falun, Master enlightened me:
“This specific issue does not concern me, as I am teaching the Fa to practitioners instead of casually telling everyday people how to live their lives.” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)
I realized at that moment that I was a practitioner and that the Fa principles were taught to me only and not to my friend whom I resented. If I was not a Falun Dafa practitioner, I would have behaved way worse than him, based on how I was in the past. Also, how other people behave is their own business and they have their own principles when doing things. Whether or not I hold true to the Fa principles and whether or not I truly believe in them is my own independent choice. The latter does not depend on the former.
At that point, I felt a deep sense of relief in my heart, as if my heart became physically lighter somehow. I also had this joy and gratefulness for being a practitioner, being able to free myself from hatred and this mindframe of people that makes them suffer, only concerned about the right and wrong of specific situations. If I was not taught the principles of the Fa, I would have fought with my roommate for a while and held deep resentment, maybe forever.
Interestingly, the next morning, he greeted me as if nothing had happened between us. He then said that he realized something: that he shouldn’t have played chess with me in the first place. To which I smiled and said nothing, as I just felt content to be a practitioner.
This is my understanding at my current level. Please kindly point out anything that is not in accordance with the Fa.
(Selected submission in celebration of World Falun Dafa Day on Minghui.org)
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