(Minghui.org) After one group Fa study recently, I shared with other practitioners that I had been experiencing sickness karma and some thoughts not in line with the Fa. One practitioner pointed out that my sickness symptoms appeared to correspond to my attachments. She also said that even though I had cultivated Dafa for many years, I didn’t let go of my selfishness and I wasn’t cultivating solidly.
I agreed with what she said, but I wasn’t clear how my selfishness played out in my daily life or how to break away from it. After returning home I cried a great deal, as I didn’t know how to let go of my selfishness. Everything in the old universe was based upon selfishness, while the new universe is based on selflessness. If I cannot break away from selfishness, I will not be able to meet the requirements of the new universe and return to my true home. I was terrified as negative thoughts emerged in my mind. They became quite strong, even though deep in my heart I wanted to defeat those thoughts.
I was unable to study the Fa with a calm mind that evening and went to bed early. I felt powerless and groaned in sorrow. I didn’t get up early to do the exercises the next morning as usual, and still felt heavy and confused inside. I picked up a copy of the Minghui Weekly nearby and started reading the articles. As I was reading, my mind was drawn to the righteous energy embedded in those sharing articles.
The contents of those articles helped me realize how different problems manifest in various situations. I realized that I began practicing Falun Dafa out of curiosity. Now, I am aware of the strong hidden selfishness behind it – I read Dafa books to satisfy my own selfish desires.
I remembered that in the early days, our local assistant pointed out that I practiced Falun Dafa with enthusiasm and eagerness. However, later on, when feeling unwell, I would study the Fa with the group, but then stop going when I felt better. When upset, I attended group Fa study, but again disappeared when feeling relieved. When encountering conflicts with others, I would attend group study, but would stop going when I felt I couldn’t see any further improvement in myself. On the surface, I seemed to give way to emotions, but ultimately the root issue was my selfishness.
When I was with my family and friends, I always wanted to change them instead of myself. My daughter is also a Dafa practitioner. When she disagreed with me, I would demand she follow Fa principles. However, now I see that this is a cunning mindset from the Party culture.
I treated my husband even worse. I always felt that he was inferior to me in everything, including appearance, ability to do things, family background, and income. I regretted marrying someone from a lower class, and I didn’t change this attitude even after I started practicing Falun Dafa. When my husband said one sentence to my displeasure, I would fire back at him with ten. If I couldn’t get my way, I would try to use traditional culture to “educate” him. If that still didn’t work, I would turn to misuse of sex to seduce him. In short, he had to listen to me and treat me well. I never looked inward or held myself to the standards of a cultivator.
In dealing with friends or colleagues, I have always viewed my own interests as the most important. Even when I did something for others, it was done out of self-serving purposes. For example, the reason I treat my parents-in-law with filial piety is because I’m worried about potential retributions I might suffer; I also have an attachment to merits and rewards, to fame and gain. I always hope that others will praise me and say nice things about me.
I have always liked reading articles on the Minghui website that talk about looking inward. However, even when I looked inward, the purpose was to relieve myself from physical pain as soon as possible. During cultivation, I never regarded sickness karma, conflicts, interference, and suffering as opportunities to improve in cultivation, let alone being grateful to Master for giving me such opportunities. Instead, I always looked at them with resentment, competitive mentality, jealousy and the pursuit of comfort. I never thought that they were good things which could help me repay karmic debts, or tests for improving myself in cultivation so that I could do better in assisting Master in rescuing people. Everything that happens around us is for our cultivation, but I didn’t view it this way in the past.
As I read more articles on Minghui Weekly, I began to sense my strong selfishness. Gradually I understood how to get rid of my selfishness and become a true Dafa practitioner through solid cultivation. I was really shocked when I discovered the seriousness of my problems, and along with my awareness, I felt that those stubborn selfish elements inside were leaving me. At the same time, I felt I was being supported by a powerful force as I made up my mind to continue on the path of cultivation and became clearheaded about what I should do in the future. I decided to start with the writing of this sharing article. While writing, I felt the profound influence of Master’s salvation of me. Tears of gratitude kept running down my face.
I would like to thank practitioners who submitted those sharing articles, as well as practitioners who compiled and published them on Minghui.org. I would also like to encourage fellow practitioners to pay attention to such cultivation articles so that we can learn from each other and improve together with the guidance of the Fa.
I remember back to the early days when a practitioner said, “The various behaviors of practitioners are for my improvement. I’m very grateful.” In the past, I thought she was just saying nice things. But now, I have a new understanding of it from the perspective of the Fa. I think what she said is right, and I can see the gap between myself and other practitioners.
The above are personal understandings at my current level of cultivation. Please kindly point out anything not in line with the Fa.
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Category: Improving Oneself
