(Minghui.org) When I went out with Jing the other day, she told me that after I was arrested in 2012, Fei paid 2,000 yuan to hire a lawyer for me. I was released just as the lawyer started to prepare my case, so I wasn’t aware of it.
Jing said the legal fee was not refundable, so Fei hoped I would repay it, even though he paid the lawyer over ten years ago. I immediately said I would return the money, but I wasn’t happy about it. I wondered how Fei remembered something that happened more than ten years ago. I also thought about how much money I’d spent on other practitioners’ cases and never asked them to pay me back—why did I have to reimburse him?
After I got home, I reflected on myself and realized that I wasn’t being truthful when I said I would return the money. I had a conversation with myself that went like this:
Q: Was the money spent on your case?A: Yes, it was spent on my case.Q: It was someone else’s money, so shouldn’t you pay it back?A: Yes, I should pay it back.Q: When Jing brought it up, she was probably expecting you to react negatively, but she said told you anyway. She did it for your benefit, so that you could return the other person’s favor, so shouldn’t you thank her? This shows how your xinxing is lacking compared to hers.
After I decided to return the 2,000 yuan to Fei, I still felt there was something not quite right in my heart, so I kept looking inward. I found I had attachments to money and saving face, but, most importantly, I found myself thinking that among our local practitioners, I always contributed more to support the material production site or to rescue detained practitioners.
So, when I needed help myself, I thought it wasn’t fair that they asked me to pay back what they’d spent on me. I faulted them for not helping me “unconditionally.” I also thought about how I contributed so much to Dafa that I “deserved” some “rewards” or “free service” from fellow practitioners.
These hidden thoughts scared me. I began to truly appreciate Jing and Fei for bringing this up after so many years and giving me the opportunity to clear my debt and improve my xinxing. I felt a sense of serenity, peace, and joy. Cultivation is no longer hard when I look within and find my attachments.
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Category: Cultivation Insights
