(Minghui.org) Greetings, Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I started practicing Falun Dafa with my mother in 1997. I followed the Fa (teachings) and practiced the exercises. I also read Zhuan Falun and Master’s other lectures, and memorized Hong Yin, but I didn’t really cultivate—instead I read the Fa and did the exercises as though I were completing my homework.
I felt it was too difficult to give up my many attachments. If I did, what happiness was there in life? I felt the lofty goal of completing cultivation should be left to diligent practitioners like my mother. When one person attains enlightenment, their entire family benefits, and I was her daughter.
I had this laid-back mentality about cultivation for the first two years. Years later, when I recalled this period of time, I was surprised, because we began practicing less than two years before the persecution began. Nevertheless, the Fa principles in Zhuan Falun left an indelible impression on me.
After the persecution started, our family was repeatedly targeted. All our Dafa books were taken. All we had left were our handwritten notes. My mother and aunt were also taken away. Because our cultivation environment was disrupted I only studied the Fa intermittently.
My workload at school increased significantly after sixth grade. When I was in high school, my deskmate discovered that I had recordings of Master’s lectures on my MP3 player, which caused an uproar. During those first years after the persecution began, I wanted to forget I was a practitioner. My mother didn’t have time to make sure I read the Fa. The environment in China was difficult, and the risks involved for practicing Falun Dafa were too high. It was much easier to be an ordinary person, because the ordinary world was so exciting!
My World Comes Crashing Down
Just when I was enjoying my youth, there was a bolt out of the blue. One Saturday in my second year of high school, I went home for the weekend. As soon as I got there, I learned that my mother had been arrested for distributing truth clarification materials. She went on a hunger strike in the detention center to protest the persecution. In the first two weeks of my senior year of high school, my mother was put on trial. After the trial, I was taken to the detention center to see her. When I arrived, I realized that this was all arranged by the 610 Office. Of course, they were not being kind to allow mother and daughter meet. Instead, I was being used—I was told to persuade her to end her hunger strike.
When I refused, the 610 Office threatened my mother and said that if she disobeyed, I would be sent to a detention center. She felt she had no choice but to compromise and beg them to let me go. I wept as I walked out of the detention center. I was shocked by my mother’s emaciated appearance and felt like I wasn’t a diligent practitioner.
This was a huge blow for me. After I returned to school, no matter how hard I studied, my grades kept slipping. In the first semester of my senior year, I ranked the lowest.
Could things get any worse? Of course! I’d just celebrated my eighteenth birthday when my aunt was also arrested for distributing materials. She miraculously escaped and disappeared. The winter of my senior year in high school was bleak and filled with intense studying, relentless persecution, and a broken family. But at the same time, I was caught up in a self-destructive secret love.
I was in agony during the first half of my senior year in high school. I studied hard, but my grades didn’t improve. I also struggled with a hopeless crush. I only had one day off on the weekends. When I returned home, I was faced with an empty house. Only my dad was there, and we looked at each other with sad faces.
I sat at my desk every Sunday. The desk faced the window. One gloomy Sunday afternoon, I thought: Buddha came to this world to save people because life is bitter.
I’d read this in Master’s teachings, but it wasn’t until that moment that I truly understood its profound meaning.
It was cloudy. The air was stale and there was no sunshine. But as soon as I had this thought, the clouds dispersed, and a ray of sunlight illuminated the ground outside. This was major turning point in my cultivation journey.
Although I understood the meaning of cultivation at that moment, I wasn’t able to immediately return to the path of cultivation. All our Falun Dafa books had been confiscated, and the only desktop computer was confiscated. Coupled with my busy schedule during my senior year of high school, I soon gradually returned to my daily routine of studying for exams. That ray of light that symbolized enlightenment was gradually forgotten.
In the last few months of my senior year of high school, my grades returned to normal. I did well on the college entrance exam and was admitted to Wuhan University. This was a huge relief for the family and for me. However, as one writer said, “There are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what you want, and the other is getting what you want.” I was in the second category.
Getting into a good university was my greatest wish at that time. The great joy of fulfilling this wish was followed by great emptiness. Joy is short-lived, but emptiness is long-lasting. There were no dramatic transformations—you are the same person. The world around you does not become brighter and more colorful.
My university classmates were all outstanding among their peers. I had high self-esteem since I was a small child, but among my classmates, I was just a country girl with a low IQ. This huge psychological gap made me feel more confused, and I began to think about some of life’s ultimate questions: Who am I? Where do I come from? Why am I here?
The school had us fill out a questionnaire during freshman orientation. I thought it was just an ordinary questionnaire, but two months later the counselor called me to the hospital. When I got there, I was told the person I was meeting with was the school psychologist. He said the results of the questionnaire showed that I had a tendency to be depressed.
I was surprised, because I felt I was a very strong person, so why was I depressed? I refused to accept what they said. But when I walked out, my face collapsed. I didn’t know how to solve this problem. I decided to hide it from my family and friends.
I Begin to Truly Cultivate
I finished my first semester of college and returned home for the winter break. The other students went home in high spirits, while I looked miserable. I spent winter vacation in a state of confusion. I was about to return to school, when my suspected depression turned into confirmed depression. Then the turning point came—a practitioner I’d recently met came to see me. When she heard that I didn’t have any Falun Dafa books or materials, she helped me save the recordings of Master’s lectures onto my MP3 player.
I took my MP3 with me when I returned to school, and I officially started studying the Fa. After so many years, Dafa’s principles were still engraved in my mind, so they felt very familiar. More importantly, after experiencing some of life’s pain and suffering, many unanswerable questions were resolved when I studied the Fa. My understandings of the Fa principles were not the same as when I was a child.
Now when I read the Fa, a simple sentence in Zhuan Falun resonated like a bell, which shocked me. For example, this sentence in Lecture Three of Zhuan Falun:
“Because people have dropped into the maze on their own, they should be eliminated. You are given another opportunity to return from the maze to your origin. If you are able to return to the origin, then you return. If you cannot return, then you will continue the cycle of reincarnation and destruction.”
When I was a child, I just read this sentence and never thought about it. I felt that after my mother succeeded in cultivation, even if I couldn’t follow her to heaven, it would still be nice to receive blessings and be wealthy in the human world.
Only when I grew up did I realize how childish this thought was. Being wealthy cannot solve the underlying problem. If you don’t detach yourself from humanness, you will continue to live in delusion, and, in this world filled with delusion, you will continue to create karma. In the end you will inevitably be destroyed. It’s just a matter of time.
My depressed state of mind suddenly disappeared after I studied the Fa. My solitary cultivation lasted until my mother was released from prison and returned home in 2008, and we were reunited. When I went home during the holidays, I studied the Fa and did the exercises with her.
I had no plans after I graduated. One day my mother asked me if I wanted to study abroad. Since our family’s financial situation was not good due to the persecution, studying abroad seemed out of reach. I really wanted to leave China, but I was hesitant in the face of reality. I won’t mention all the twists and turns, but I miraculously received a scholarship without the help of a study abroad agency. I came to the United States to study in 2012.
Although I left China, the reality was still very grim. Money cannot solve every problem, but lack of money can cause many additional problems.
I often only had one or two thousand dollars in my account. I was exhausted from studying and working every day. Fortunately, every time I was in dire straits, I receive a little “windfall.” For example, the school had a temporary scholarship program or the IRS emailed me that my tax form was filled out wrong and sent me a refund. I also got an internship. Thanks to Master’s blessing, I graduated and found a job even though I was extremely poor.
In the blink of an eye, 12 years passed since I came to the U.S. When I was in China, I thought I was a very steadfast practitioner. I never thought that my faith or belief would be tested.
What I didn’t expect was that, after I came to the U.S. where the environment was safer and more relaxed, my belief was tested again and again. Different situations made me waver: I went to the theater to see Shen Yun for the first time and felt that it was unremarkable. When I heard that 400 million people in China died from COVID, I wondered if it was possible. Was Master still omniscient and omnipotent?
I felt practicing was so unfulfilling and nothing changed. It was so difficult to persevere and practice diligently.
I had more such thoughts that I did not list here. I was able to get answers to some of my questions by reading the Fa, but new questions soon arose. For 12 years I stumbled along like this.
I remember one time during group Fa study, a practitioner casually asked everyone, “What is the fundamental reason you practice?” I was completely unprepared, but my first thought was: “Because Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance are the principles for how everything in the universe operates. This is why I persist in practicing. This is what allows me to survive all kinds of turmoil.”
Personal perfection and freedom from suffering are of course important, but I don’t pursue this. I practice because I believe from the bottom of my heart that Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance are the supreme principles of the universe, and life should assimilate to the characteristics of the universe, which are Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.
The order, justice, balance, and everlasting harmony of the universe all arise from Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Without the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, the universe might be in confused chaos, and personal fulfillment or wealth means nothing.
I hope that I can persist in practicing and one day succeed.
These are some of my experiences and sincere thoughts. If I’ve said anything inappropriate or misunderstood, fellow practitioners, please kindly correct me.
(Presented at the 2024 Florida Fa Conference)
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