(Minghui.org) Greetings, Master and fellow practitioners:
This year has been one of the toughest and most painful times I have gone through since I began to cultivate nine years ago in December 2015. I realized that I had been ignoring some deeply-rooted attachments, which I let fester unchecked instead of cultivating them away.
Over a year ago, the skin on my right forearm started to scale, peel, and itch. It began to look similar to what my ankles and elbows looked like before I started to cultivate. Back then, my skin in those areas was in really bad. However, it improved and recovered after I started cultivating. Last year, a small patch appeared on my right forearm, then it gradually grew and spread. I had trouble sleeping at night due to the pain and itchiness, and when I woke up the next day, sometimes I found the skin was bleeding in places where I had scratched while I was asleep. I usually did the exercises in the morning before I left for work. Doing them was especially painful because of the pain and itchiness on my forearm. But regardless of how painful it was, I continued doing the exercises and felt better after I finished them.
Master said:
“At a certain point in time, you will be made unable to discern clearly whether something is true or not, whether your gong exists or not, whether or not you can cultivate and make it, or whether or not there are Buddhas and if they are real. In the future, these situations will surface again to give you this false impression and make you feel as though they do not exist and are all false—it is to see whether you are determined.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
Why was I going through these ordeals? It must be because of some cultivation issues, but I had no idea what those gaps were. My wife, who is also a practitioner, advised me to ask Master for help and give us a hint as to which attachments are behind this tribulation. To be honest, I rarely thought to ask Master for hints. But once, sometime during this past year, when I was coughing very badly at night, I called out in my heart, “Master, please help me” Suddenly, my coughing stopped, and all was quiet. I was amazed. I then realized to my chagrin: I did not have faith in Master!
Looking within, we found some deeply-rooted attachments, such as being jealous of my colleague, who was leading our team but was absentminded at times and needed to be reminded to do things. I found that this jealousy also extended to other people, such as government officials, ex-classmates, friends, and relatives. In the past, I just suppressed my problem and tried not to think about it. Now, I send righteous thoughts to eliminate my problems.
My wife also told me that I frequently dozed off when I was doing the fifth meditation exercise. I protested, saying that I wasn’t, then one day, she took a video of me when I was dozing. Looking at the video I was shocked—I was really dozing without being aware of it! Later, I took a few videos of myself doing the meditation and found it was indeed the case. In order to ensure I stayed alert and awake, I tried a few things: Making sure I had enough rest, sitting upright as Master instructed, and following the music with my mind while eliminating any thoughts that came to my mind. As a last resort, I kept my eyes open if I found that it was really difficult to stay alert, which was usually during the second half of the exercise. Now, I usually do the meditation exercise with my wife, and we remind each other whenever we find that one of us is dozing.
Other attachments we found were being attached to petty monetary gain, such as freebies given in promotions, sales, and other issues. I also found desire and lust were still quite strong in me, too, which I really had to focus on cultivating away.
One day, it suddenly occurred to me that the Fa was simply great, and the problems I was facing were just so small and insignificant compared to the immensity of the Fa.
It was just what Master mentioned during the Fa conference in Switzerland in 1998:
“For a person to melt into such an immense Fa… I’ll give an example. It’s like if a wood chip or a piece of sawdust were to drop into a blast furnace of molten steel: instantly you’d lose sight of it. As you melted into such an immense Fa, your body’s karma, thought karma, and all kinds of things would be gone in an instant.” (Teachings at the Conference in Switzerland)
I suddenly had a deeper appreciation of what it means to be cultivating, to be a practitioner of Falafa, the Dafa of the universe. Because of that, I felt a tingling throughout my body. Over the years I had gradually become numb and taken this for granted and probably is one of the reasons that led to my current tribulation.
I started memorizing the Fa to fill my mind and thoughts with Fa and strengthen my main consciousness. And I also tried to avoid scratching my skin when I was itching, especially at night when I was trying to sleep. To me, it’s similar to trying to sit in the lotus position while doing exercise five. Karma can only be eliminated if we persist through the pain and discomfort we face. Recently, the skin on my right arm has recovered to a certain degree. Although it hasn’t completely recovered, to me, it’s a sign that I am on the right track.
My colleague confided to me that he considers me his friend despite our differences. He is a Westerner and progressive in his thinking. All his friends share a similar perspective, valuing individuality and caring little for traditional customs like marriage. I was the exception as I was “conservative” according to him. He observed that I did not speak badly of other people. He finally concluded that it was because I was a good person and had good values, which he identified with. I was deeply touched by his words. Everyone has Buddha nature and kindness in them, no matter how he or she is influenced by modern-day thought and customs. If we treat others with kindness, this will resonate with their own kindness that is part of them.
Recently, I’ve been trying to consciously improve my cultivation state instead of just passively going through the motions. When I do the exercises, apart from not dozing off during meditation, I try my best to keep my mind still instead of thinking about work or what I will do after the exercises. When I study the Fa, I focus on what I am reading instead of thinking about other issues. When I send righteous thoughts, I need to be focused and alert. When I interact with people, I need to think about them, and to be mindful and eliminate any improper thoughts or intentions that may arise.
I’d like to convey my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Master, to Dafa, and to my wife and fellow practitioners who have encouraged me throughout this tribulation.
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