(Minghui.org) As moral standards continue to decline in today’s society, divorce has become more and more common in recent years, and people are generally not surprised when it happens. Some think that if a couple can’t get along, they might as well separate, and many see divorce and remarriage as something an individual should be free to do, that it is their “private life.” I am deeply concerned by the fact that people’s hearts are not in the right place. They see marriage as a commodity: If they don’t like it, they just return or exchange it. Extramarital affairs have even become “trendy.” 

I believe that people who engage in such behavior may not be aware of the importance of staying faithful in marriage, so I wrote this article to remind fellow practitioners and other readers of the seriousness of marriage. 

What Are True Blessings?

According to traditional culture, happiness is based on one’s virtues, and one will be blessed if one does good and behaves properly. It’s counterproductive to do whatever it takes to satisfy one’s selfish desires.

People in ancient China believed that there were five types of blessings: a long life, wealth, health and peace, good virtues, and a good death. To me, the most important is the fourth blessing, good virtues, because virtues are the cause and basis of blessings, and blessings are the result and manifestation of virtues.

The five blessings reflect the values of the ancients: One should be content with good physical and mental health, ample food and clothing, good character, a long life, and a good death and not be greedy for more, such as love or an attractive appearance, both of which people today care so much about.

Compared to the ancients, people today have more material possessions but are less happy; they have insatiable appetites but can’t enjoy peace and quiet. Some celebrities are still pursuing “love” at a very old age; they may suddenly fall deeply in love, and just as suddenly fall out of love and into depression. Such people are far from experiencing true happiness. It has been observed that a large percentage of the population who began dating in their youth have a greater chance of becoming involved in extramarital affairs, abusing drugs, and suffering from depression, which may be a form of divine punishment. 

People in ancient times regarded marriage as a predestined relationship, emphasizing their parents’ arrangements and what matchmakers said instead of pursuing “love.” People today, who do not see marriage as something arranged by the divine, define a happy marriage as “feeling good” in the relationship and having found the “right person.” It’s common for people to have multiple relationships, to live together before marriage, to have extramarital affairs, and to divorce and remarry, where they look for a partner like choosing a commodity. Some theories even say that having multiple relationships can help improve one’s ability to choose the “right” spouse. 

Some studies have found that the changes in the brain after falling in love are similar to the changes that occur after one takes drugs. For those who enjoy the feeling of “being in love,” if they don’t feel that excitement anymore, they dump the person and move on to someone else.

Many people who have extramarital affairs feel like they’ve found a cure for their “unfortunate marriage,” when it was really just a shot of anesthetic. In most cases, the “true love” they think they’ve found won’t last long. Once the initial “happiness” wears off, the pain is even worse than before.

How People in Ancient China Viewed the Relationship Between Men and Women

The Dire Consequences of Even a Wrong Thought

In the book Ancient Guide to Moral Education, one story tells of a scholar who thought he was a talented writer, and everyone praised him. One night, he went home drunk and deluded himself with the thought, “If I pass the imperial exam, I will take my neighbor’s daughter as my concubine.” That same night, there was a scribe whose spirit was taken by the God of the Land, who showed him a booklet with the scholar’s name written in it. In the booklet was a note written in red ink that said: “Even though his thoughts are mere delusions, they stem from moral wrongs. Because of his wrongful thoughts, at some point, he will be punished by freezing and starving for one day.” Later, the scholar really did almost freeze and starve to death. 

In another story in Ancient Guide to Moral Education, scholar Li went to stay at an inn to take the imperial exam. The owner of the inn was exceptionally enthusiastic when he arrived, saying that the night before he had dreamed that the God of the Land said, “Tomorrow there will be a Mr. Li. He will place first in the imperial exam. Treat him well.” Li was overjoyed to hear this. He began to contemplate divorcing his poor wife and marrying someone better after he became an official. The next day, the inn owner again dreamed of the God of the Land, who said to him, “This young scholar does not have a good heart. He is already thinking of abandoning his wife before he has even earned an official title. Therefore, he will fail the imperial exam!” Li indeed returned in despair after failing the exam. 

As a human being, one’s conscience must be worthy of heaven and earth. As the old saying goes, “There should be no matter that cannot be told to others and no thought that cannot be told to heaven.” 

Changing One’s Fate

In an ancient Chinese book Tai Shang’s Treatise on Action and Response Commentary, there is a story about “turning misfortune into blessing by advising others to do good.”

A frivolous and prodigal man who frequented brothels was handed a book on morality by someone on the street. He read it and was stunned: “The behaviors described in this book are the same as mine—it is as if it were written about me. How stupid am I? The saints advised against adultery, but I am so attached to it and have done things to destroy myself!” 

That very day, he burned incense and knelt to pray, vowing never to commit adultery again. He also vowed to print and distribute a thousand copies of the book to atone for the sins he had committed. He fulfilled his vows and indeed helped change many people of all different ages. Because he repented in time and vigorously urged others to do good, he not only enjoyed a long life but also had many good grandchildren, who were blessed with wealth.

In another story, a scholar had his merit canceled by God for writing a letter of divorce for someone else. Such stories explain heavenly rewards and punishments for human beings. At first, he didn’t know what his mistake was. Then he realized it was because he had deviated too far from traditional values. He understood that divorce deviates from God’s will and is not in line with tradition, that even those who assist others in getting a divorce are condemned. The scholar then managed to persuade the two to remarry and prevented many others from divorcing. After that, his political career flourished. No wonder there is an old Chinese saying: “I’d rather tear down ten temples than destroy a marriage.” The ancients believed that marriage is “a match made in heaven” and is God’s arrangement, which cannot be destroyed at will. 

Lust Is the Worst Evil

Wenchang Wang, a Daoist deity known as the God of Culture and Literature, said, “Heaven often sends calamities to those who are lustful and greedy, and the retribution is very quick. Some fools, however, are as ignorant as if they were dreaming and do not have the sense to be afraid; if they indulge in such behavior without restraint, they will face calamities at any time.” 

The world today is in chaos, with black and white reversed and morality a thing of the past. It’s not uncommon for the “elite,” who may be skillful and stylish, to have inappropriate sexual relationships and yet still consider themselves to be virtuous. But people with true moral character will not indulge in lustful intentions. In romance dramas, the protagonists may, in their roles, seem brave and just, but then they get involved in unethical relationships. To me, such protagonists are not admirable heroes, as lust is always the touchstone of morality. 

Marriage in Western Culture and Society

The Story of an Actress

Actress Vivien Leigh took an immediate liking to Laurence Olivier when they first met during Leigh’s performances in The Mask of Virtue in London in 1936, although both of them were married and had a child. They began a secret affair until they each got a divorce and were able to wed in 1940. But in just a few years, Leigh fell ill with chronic tuberculosis while struggling with bipolar disorder and depression. The couple’s relationship reached its lowest point in 1958, after nearly 20 years of marriage. But before their official divorce in 1960, Olivier had already started dating an actress 22 years his junior. Leigh died from tuberculosis in 1967. 

There is a saying in Chinese “Beautiful women lead unfortunate lives.” I have found that is indeed many times the case. Beautiful women attract many suitors, including men of poor character who may go to great lengths to possess them. Men of good character seem more willing to trust fate, are generous and kind, and generally do not stalk. 

It’s equally important for beautiful women to have a clear head, not get carried away, uphold traditional values, and stay away from those of poor character. 

There is a story in Buddhism about a king and his very beautiful queen who were very much in love. After she died, the Bodhisattva told the saddened king, “Because she was overly complacent about her beauty and lived a life of ease and inactivity, she has now been reborn in this setting as a dung beetle.” The story tells me the importance of being grateful and humble and behaving oneself. 

Queens in Hell

In his poem The Divine Comedy, Dante recounts his visionary journey through Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven. In the second circle of Hell, he describes the souls of those overcome by lust. These carnal sinners are punished for allowing their desires to overpower their reason. The souls are eternally swept by fierce, relentless winds of violent storms, without rest. 

Many of the souls in the second circle of Hell were queens of different nationalities, such as Semiramis, the Queen of Assyria; Dido, the Queen of Carthage; Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt; Helen, the Queen of Sparta; Paris, who fell in love with Helen and took her captive thus starting the Ten Year’s Trojan War; and Trystan, who fell in love with his own aunt, Ethel. Due to the presence of so many rulers among the lustful, it has been called the “canto of the queens.” 

There is special mention of a couple, Franziska and Paul, who died for “love.” Franziska’s father arranged for her to marry a nobleman who was crippled, ugly, and brutal. After they were wed, she fell in love with her brother-in-law, Paul, who was young and handsome. When her husband found out about their relationship, he killed them, and because of their crime of adultery, they were punished in the second level of Hell. 

Many people would probably think that Franziska was innocent, that she was merely pursuing her own happiness. But God’s standard is different: No matter how unsatisfactory one’s marriage is, one isn’t allowed to pursue extramarital “love.” In an unhappy marriage, one may be paying back one’s past karma. If one does not accept that fate and tries to fight it, one may create more karma and end up in a more dreadful predicament after death. 

Dante asks Franziska how she began her relationship with Paul. She said they were reading the book Lancelot of the Lake together in the garden. In the book, Lancelot, who was King Arthur’s first Knight of the Round Table, fell in love with Queen Guinevere, and during a garden rendezvous, he “fell captive to love” and kissed her. Reading this, Franziska and Paul also began to kiss and committed a great sin from then on. 

Is Marriage Without Love Immoral? 

You may have heard the saying “Marriage without love is immoral,” and people might think that this is a justifiable reason for pursuing love. In fact, this saying comes from Friedrich Engels who believed only a marriage based on love is moral. This statement is not some sort of truth. 

In Chapter 7 of How the Specter of Communism is Ruling Our World, it says “Sexual chaos is an innate feature of communist ideology. Marx is believed to have raped his maid; he had Engels raise the resulting child. Engels cohabitated with a pair of sisters. Lenin carried on extramarital affairs for years…” “What Marx and Engels promoted, despite buttressing it with phrases like ‘freedom,’ ‘liberation,’ and ‘love,’ was in fact nothing more than the abandonment of personal moral responsibility and the giving of oneself to desire.” 

A happy marriage is not as simple as two people loving each other. But in order to achieve high ratings, publishers and television stations promote stories of extramarital affairs. They portray the idea that one will find “happiness” if one finds the “right person.” But according to traditional beliefs, one’s life is already pre-arranged and it is counterproductive to seek blessings one isn’t supposed to have.

Modern Influences 

As I was growing up, romance movies were prevalent and education promoted the values of fame and fortune. People no longer value morality. I also thought that love was the highest value, beyond marriage and morality. 

In romantic movies, the protagonists are all “beautiful” and “gorgeous” so people can easily be brainwashed by this fallacy and think that preserving marriage is immoral and stupid. 

While people in ancient China used the phrase “respect each other as guests” to describe a happy marriage, I used to feel that the ancients were boring and stereotypical and did not have human rights or any freedom. I’ve since realized that, although people today are very free, they are farther away from happiness. In fact, it seems that moral propriety is not a restriction but a protection, just like a guardrail on a mountain highway to protect a vehicle from going over the edge. Old sayings such as “No casual contact between men and women” are in fact never outdated, and it is good to follow them as closely as possible and set up guardrails to protect oneself from falling. 

A few decades ago, people who behaved imprudently, no matter how good-looking or talented they were, were considered “immodest.” People who partook in these immoral romantic relationships would be judged behind their backs because of their “bad behavior.” 

Now, honest people are the object of ridicule. When looking for a partner, people now value “charm” and “passion,” selecting greedy and selfish people over those who are honest and grounded. Even after some people are married, their hearts remain restless and they are still on the lookout for an exciting lover.

Just like movies, modern literature, and artworks have also played an important role in today’s moral decline. Exciting stories make people feel like their thirst has been quenched, and they become addicted to this mental opium. Some people even view life as a play and pursue those “beautiful” and “romantic” moments, even though they may be unreal or unethical. 

Reflecting on Myself

I used to dream of a great love. I wanted to experience “love” and the feeling of being deeply loved and appreciated. I did not care who the other person was. In fact, I didn’t think about loving the other person—I loved myself. I really believed there was someone who would love me and could never forget me. Indeed, thinking back, those were ridiculous, narcissistic, and uninformed daydreams. 

I used to think that my marriage was not based on a “deep love,” and I thought that only couples who were “deeply in love” would have a good marriage. But in reality, I saw too many couples whose “passionate love” went from “loving” to “fighting,” while many couples who seemed to have a calm relationship were happily married. I almost divorced my husband to pursue “excitement.” But then I realized that’s not what I wanted. I began to cherish my marriage and respect my husband. Our strained relationship improved, and we got along well. So, resolving the grudges and treating each other kindly is the best way to have a happy marriage. One can’t just run away from the problem, thinking “The other person isn’t the ‘right one’ for me.” 

Some couples I know had a sweet relationship at first, but over time, they started to dislike and fight with each other. I think that often happens because they are too eager to be praised and hear good words and can’t stand the other person pointing out their shortcomings. 

Some people also look for “common ground” in their other half. But this may reveal their attachments to compliments, acceptance, and lust. Under the surface of “true love” is human weakness. Even when people feel they’ve found “common ground” on noble topics, that is just an illusion before all the shortcomings are revealed, and there may still be strong desire hidden underneath.

Those who engage in extramarital affairs may believe that they are attractive. But they are blinded by their ego and have abandoned moral codes. This also has to do with being brainwashed by romance dramas, which capitalize on people’s arrogance and emotions. 

People Pay for Their Selfishness

Being unfaithful to one’s spouse often leads to misfortunes and harms several families. Those who cheat on their spouses and remarry often have worse marriages and may cheat again. Those who have extramarital affairs tend to have a lower moral bottom line or are unwilling to give up their self-interests when conflicts arise. By contrast, unselfish people focus less on themselves yet find greater happiness. 

A selfish heart causes one to be unhappy, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, angry, envious, and so on. Prioritizing oneself doesn’t always translate into doing something truly good for one’s own well-being. We are responsible for everything we do, and we must think about whether our actions are in accordance with heavenly principles. 

In some dramas, when people are interrogated by underworld officials, they are unable to deny their part in the scheme or defend themselves, because everything they did wrong is clearly shown. 

Although I cannot see other dimensions, the more I think about it, the more frightened I am. If I could really see it all and know what all these evil thoughts would turn into, wouldn’t I regret even more being so ignorant of heavenly principles? 

In one drama, a scholar meets a group of ghosts and asks them why they don’t repent to seek liberation. The ghosts say, “One must repent before one dies; after death, there is no way to do that.” One of the ghosts urges the scholar, “We hungry ghosts have no way to repay you for the wine you have given us, so I would like to give you a word of advice: ‘You must repent while you are still alive.’” 

Here I want to sincerely advise my friends: Do not ignore the problem of lust, not even any inappropriate thoughts. The Divine knows everything. Not only should we pay attention to our own behavior, but we should also try our best to persuade others not to create karma in this regard. 

Conclusion

People’s needs are limited, but our desires can be unlimited. We should learn to be content with a full belly, warm clothes, and good health, just like the “five blessings.” Modern concepts have pushed people to pursue the “excitement” of love and fantasy. Morality is going downhill. In the past, the pursuit of excitement manifested itself in the form of addictions to cigarettes and alcohol. Nowadays, it manifests itself in the form of addictions to drugs and sexual promiscuity. Either one can make you severely depressed. Filled with modern concepts, people are speeding along the road of endless greed and have long since moved away from the calm and quiet mindset needed for happiness. 

The ancients left us with so many stories about cause and effect in this regard, and they are always good reminders to prevent the world from sinking into bottomless desire. 

Treat your spouses well and cherish what you have. Being contented and grateful and guarding the goodness of your heart—that is your blessing.