(Minghui.org) Greetings, respected Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
Becoming Aware of My Own Character: Cultivating Away the Self
This year I made up my mind to work properly on my character, to improve in my cultivation. As soon as last summer’s Shen Yun weekend meeting ended, several of us practitioners with free time got together and began studying the Fa at five o’clock every morning. We have done so since, and we did not stop even during this year’s Shen Yun tour. Fa study has benefited me greatly. In the early morning there is no one to disturb me and my mind can be at ease, and if there is time during the day I can read some more. During this year’s tour, Fa study helped me enormously. It made me more willing to look inward, and it made it easier for me to keep a distance from outside affairs so that they did not sway me. I paid attention to what attachments I had and tried to stay clear-headed. Being able to raise both the quantity and the quality of my Fa study played a very important role for me, and compared with the previous year, I could see clearly for myself where I had improved.
By nature I am blunt, impetuous, and stubborn about being right. Sometimes this works to a good effect, but there are also many problems that need to be resolved. Under the influence of the self, I sometimes become insufficiently humble, and sometimes I cannot control my emotions, flaring up in anger, or becoming afraid. I also become fond of validating myself and turn arrogant, which happens when I should be steadfast; I turn rigid instead. Over these years, and especially through taking part in the tour, I have gradually come to understand one thing: whether a person is capable is not, in itself, what matters. What matters is whether that capability is put to use in projects that save sentient beings. If it is not, then under the influence of the self it can very easily do damage instead. Having understood this, I remind myself constantly to be as calm and as kind towards others as I can.
Of course, ordinary people cannot begin to imagine how detailed and how precise the gods are when they prepare these tests. As for me, I have stumbled along the entire way. Sometimes I pass a test smoothly, and sometimes a test bears down on me until I can hardly breathe, over and over again. I have heard and read many cultivation stories about cultivators and sages who, whatever they met with, were able to hold themselves steady, with hearts that were calm and pure and totally sincere in thinking of others. I truly hope that I can always be like that. It reminds me of when I had just begun cultivating. Every time I read the passage in the French edition of Zhuan Falun about Han Xin crawling between that man’s legs, I would mutter to myself, “Surely he won’t crawl through this time…” And yet Han Xin still crawled through, every single time. So many years have passed, and looking back, this path has been hard going for me right from the start.
What is interesting is that when I meet someone who is truly unfriendly, I am able to stay calm. For example, when a journalist from a television channel sent over a string of belligerent, fault-finding questions, I only had to tidy up my thoughts a little and then I could treat her calmly and evenly. My heart was compassionate. Another example was my meeting with the department responsible for matters concerning minors, which was rather like a trap disguised as a banquet. They interrogated me about issues to do with minors, kept twisting my words, and pressed me hard for a full two and a half hours. I came out with a splitting headache, but at the time my mind was calm and my thinking clear. I was not angry, not flustered, and not in the least resentful. Yet in another setting, my temper would have carried me away in an instant.
On one occasion I had a phone call with the person in charge of ticketing at one of the venues. Before that, she had sent me a sharply worded email demanding that I send her the complimentary tickets as the contract required, although I had already taken care of that back in November of the previous year. I had never spoken or corresponded with her before. All I could tell was that she came on very aggressively, insisting that I send the tickets at once, and saying that this was simply unacceptable… At first I held steady (tests like this rarely come singly, and when a hundred hardships descend together one tenses up right away), and I was even quietly pleased with myself, thinking that in the past I would never have reacted this way… Little did I know that this small flush of pleasure would have me regret it a moment later. The way I saw it, this was probably a misunderstanding. She had been rude and unpleasant, so I ought to call her and clear things up. But the call turned out worse than the email. My temper flared at once, and in the end I simply hung up.
I was both angry and upset with myself afterwards for failing to maintain my xinxing in this test. The next day, the FXH coordinator said to me, “I spoke to that contact at the theater, and she told me you hung up on her. I said to her that surely it could not have been that, and that the line had probably just dropped because of a bad signal.” But I told him, “No, it’s true. I really did hang up on her.” He gave a little smile, probably somewhat embarrassed on my behalf.
Breaking Through My Own Rigid Notions: Accepting and Preparing to Endure Hardship
Wearing these various emotions away bit by bit is far from easy. The anger in me is like a set of defensive tools arranged long ago, protecting me from suffering, from having to watch myself suffer, and from being humiliated, so that I can save face. Fear is the same. In this world of delusion, fear is like a bulletproof vest that shields me from greater pain. Yet in the end, fear is itself a form of pain. For what these emotions protect and serve is nothing but the self, in all its changing guises. I came to understand that qing is really a set of incorrect notions, and that they feed the self and make it grow ever larger. If a person is willing to stop using these emotions (the attachment of fear, anger, liking, disliking) to protect himself, then he is free and indestructible as diamond, because he has recovered that great ease and freedom that comes from being connected with the divine.
I feel that I must have the courage to feel and to face the pain buried deep in my heart and awakened by reality, along with the pain bound up with my own life experiences. Emotion is really an excuse that speaks on behalf of the self and lets the self dig in and refuse to leave. Put simply, the self means thinking only of oneself. In everyday life, tests to do with the self are everywhere, and they look very much like the things ordinary people go through. What really matters is what we are thinking when we meet them.
For example, on one occasion there was a problem with a lady’s ticket. Her seat had been double-booked with someone else’s, and we notified her more than 10 days in advance. Everyone from the ticketing team who had phoned or emailed her told me that she was very fierce, that she made threats, and that she said she would demand an explanation face to face when she arrived. She would not listen to any change, any discussion, or any explanation. She was plainly coming to have a row. As the day when I was to meet her at the ticket window drew near, the thought of it left me rather uneasy. I mentioned it to my husband, and he offered to come with me, but I declined. Before going, I set aside the anger and the defensiveness in my heart. To be honest, all that it really came down to was that I was afraid of losing face in public and afraid that I would not be able to bear it. In the event, the meeting went entirely smoothly. It was a small matter, but I felt that I had passed this test, not only because it went well, but more because this time I did not want to rely on things connected with the self, such as validating myself, flaring up, fear, and being on my guard, to protect me.
Another experience had to do with doing the fifth exercise. I have always liked the full lotus position, and settling into it feels like coming home. But the last 10 minutes are usually very difficult to get through and very painful, and most of the time I got through them by gritting my teeth and forcing myself to hold on. Once, when the waves of sharp pain in my legs had only just begun, I tensed up as usual and braced myself to endure. But in that very instant I suddenly understood that if there is a debt, it should be acknowledged and it should be repaid, and I had to bear the pain. At the moment my whole body relaxed, I saw a shadow flash past. It had the shape of a person, and as it went by it struck me. I thought to myself, “I am willing to repay what I owe. This too is what Master has arranged for me, what should be repaid on the path of cultivation.” All at once the figures multiplied and gave me a severe beating. I watched myself from one side, and there were so many shadows around me that my body could no longer be seen.
I do not know how long it lasted, but the shadows suddenly dispersed, and my body seemed to collapse and dissolve. I thought that it was probably a body made of karma, and that at this level the debt was finally paid off. From that day on, for several consecutive months, I felt no pain when I sat in meditation. I only felt my two legs bound tightly, as though a rope were pulling them in. I am no longer attached to whether there is pain. I think this is simply one stage in the process of cultivation, much like whether or not one eats meat. When the time comes for things to be a certain way, they naturally will be. I decided to let it take its course, because I felt sure of it in my heart. This meant a great deal to me. Through it, I learned to accept suffering and to face my own suffering squarely, and I understood the true meaning of suffering.
Master said:
“Going through hardship and suffering is an outstanding opportunity to remove karma, be cleansed of sin, purify the body, elevate your plane of thought, and rise in level—it’s an extraordinarily good thing. This is a correct and upright Fa-truth. But as cultivation is lived out, when the suffering bears down on you and conflicts come up that hit upon the deepest part of you—and especially when it rattles the rigid notions you have—the test is really hard to pass. It can even be to the point that you know full well it’s a test but still can’t let go of your attachments.” (“The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III)
Distinguishing Between “Doing Things” and “Cultivating the Heart”
I have noticed that my temperament really has improved. This change came about because I have been learning to keep others in my heart, and to genuinely put myself in the other person’s position, thinking of others first, learning to “cultivate the heart” before moving on to “do things.”
At the theatres we sometimes come across people with a poor attitude, and sometimes they charge us fees that were never agreed to in advance, practices that seem neither fair nor proper, nor in keeping with the contract. In the face of this, I try my best to keep my composure and to word my emails more politely and more warmly. At first I felt I was being somewhat false, that it did not come naturally. But then it occurred to me that I genuinely do want to be a better person, a kind and sincere person. That is what I truly want. So I carried on doing it, and before long I found that our dealings with these people had become far more harmonious and far more courteous, even with people I previously found difficult to get along with.
This year we added many new requirements in logistics, administration, and finance, and during the tour I had to trouble the team coordinators with more matters than in previous years, including bank cards, reimbursements for travel and accommodation, administrative meetings, scheduling, sharing, following up with each team, supplies and logistics, and so on. At first I threw myself entirely into the project, thinking only of getting everything in good order and running smoothly. But on several occasions I saw the pure heart of a few fellow practitioners, and I was often moved to tears. These were not big things, yet they moved me deeply.
For instance, I asked each coordinator to fill in a form for their own team, with the formulas for travel and accommodation already included. To me the method seemed simple, and it made everything easy to look up at a glance. Before long, though, I found that nobody was using the form at all. I simply assumed that perhaps it was not convenient to work with. I also knew that for some coordinators, administration is not their strong point. But when I saw each of them laboring over that pile of documents and invoices, and in the end organizing the files their own way and passing them to me (files that were perfectly workable, as it turned out), I understood how much heart and effort lay behind them. One coordinator even drew a crying face in her file to show how many difficulties she ran into… Things like this moved me deeply.
There is another fellow practitioner who is exceptionally conscientious, steady, and responsible in what she does. I often hear her say that her workload is heavy, and there is no doubt about that. She works remotely, and did not travel with us on the tour. One day I learned that before every performance she would light a stick of incense, keeping us company and wanting to be a little closer to each of us. That simple, silent gesture moved me deeply. In it I felt her sincerity, her purity, and that wordless companionship. What touched me about this thoughtfulness was that I saw the sincerity and tenderness within her, and not merely her work itself.
The Success of a Project and the Improvement of Xinxing
Personal cultivation and saving sentient beings are bound together, yet I still remind myself constantly that improving one’s xinxing and the success of a project are two different things. They correspond to each other, but they are not the same thing. What matters is whether we understand who fundamentally creates all of this.
The difference between the two is very subtle. I came to realize that however good the results of a project or an event, and however well it is run, that does not amount to an improvement in xinxing. The two are separate. It is not that when an event goes well my xinxing has risen, or that when it does not go well my xinxing has failed to improve. We need to tell apart “doing things” from “cultivating the heart.” The success of Shen Yun is an arrangement by Master and of the gods, and is won by the courage and selfless dedication that every participant puts in so that Shen Yun can be realized and staged.
Conclusion
I know that I still fall far short of the standard of a true Dafa disciple. And yet, having been able to become a Dafa disciple and find the happiest thing in this life, my heart is filled with a gratitude and joy that I cannot put into words. I will keep working at it, and keep cultivating away those things that belong to the self. To put it plainly, these things are only an illusion in my life. I will keep striving to recover my own freedom and self-determination, and give myself wholly to Dafa.
Thank you, Master. Thank you fellow practitioners.
(Presented at the 2026 European Fa Conference)
