(Minghui.org) I have been practicing Falun Dafa for 25 years. I used to think I had eliminated my fundamental attachments, as I had overcome intense fear, anger, and resentment over the past three years, and that my residual attachments could be easily eliminated. I soon realized, however, that was not the case.
I used to think of fear as just another attachment, instead of it being the root of all my fundamental attachments. I developed a strong attachment to fear in my childhood that continued to build up as I grew older. I only realized this attachment after looking within more deeply.
Starting to Practice Falun Dafa
I was born in a small university town 42 years ago. Raised by my mother single-handedly, I grew up with a strong belief in God. Life was hard for us, and I had to shoulder many responsibilities from a young age. In spite of my good grades, I was ridiculed because of my living conditions and appearance, and I hated and resented those who treated me unfairly.
I was 17 when I came across Falun Dafa, read Zhuan Falun, and learned the exercises. I knew I had found a true cultivation method! Although my life began to change for the better, my understanding of the Fa remained superficial. I thought, “Master said that enduring more suffering can eliminate one’s karma and raise one’s level. I’m willing to suffer beyond what has been arranged!” I later realized my error in thinking this way, which had left loopholes for the old forces. I used to hear threatening voices, saying things like, “I’m going to destroy you,” and “You’ll never be good enough, you’re so incompetent.” The suffering I had “wished” for actually came true, and some of it was not part of Master’s arrangements.
Abusive Marriage and a Wake-up Call
Yearning for a happy family life, I rashly entered into marriage at the age of 21. My husband tried many ways to stop me from practicing Falun Dafa, in addition to physically abusing and threatening me. I tried to accept this as elimination of my karma, but my fear, anger, sadness, and resentment grew stronger over time. My situation worsened after the birth of my child. However, at the same time, I also received Master’s miraculous protection.
While reflecting on my life one day, I realized how far I had strayed from my cultivation path! A loud voice suddenly resounded in my mind, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” I was especially shocked since I was not asleep and asked, “Who is it? What should I wake up from?” before realizing it was Master. I immediately accessed the Minghui website and started reading. Master’s latest articles dissolved many of my inner fears and gave me new courage.
Unable to change my husband’s violent behavior and the terrifying atmosphere at home, I decided to file for separation. After nine court hearings, I won sole custody of our son. My ex-husband was granted limited visitation rights. Although I won, winning this legal battle only strengthened my fighting mentality.
Remarriage and a Turning Point
Having been exposed to his father’s violent behavior, my son was aggressive and had discipline issues. As his behavior spiraled out of control, I was forced to temporarily enroll him in a special facility. Unable to consistently view things from the perspective of a Falun Dafa practitioner, I found it difficult to maintain my compassion.
During that difficult period, I met my current husband. Initially, I wanted to remarry partly because of my son. He attributed his volatile temper to the lack of a good paternal role model in his life. I had to admit this was somewhat true. But marrying someone solely because of my child’s wishes seemed unreasonable. Therefore, I examined the matter through the lens of the Fa and asked Master for guidance. Ultimately, after careful consideration, we got married. My son loves and respects my current husband.
We originally planned to have my son move in with us. We made the necessary preparations and looked forward to welcoming a new chapter as a family. Unexpectedly, my son changed his mind and insisted on returning to live with his father. Furious, my resentment for my ex-husband grew. I was terrified of losing my son.
Although I had won in court and had full custody of my son, I had to rationally assess how to proceed. In the end, I legally authorized my ex-husband so our son could temporarily stay with him. I also realized I had to let go of my emotional attachment to my son and learn to trust him.
Through this process, I confronted my tormented past and truly forgave my ex-husband, completely eliminating resentment I felt for him and how he had terrorized me. Afterward, I was surprised to discover I no longer feared him! This was a priceless gift that filled me with gratitude and immense relief! After I forgave him, things changed for the better and my ex-husband began treating me with respect.
Tribulations in My New Marriage
My current husband is a good man and a kindhearted person who strongly supports my cultivation of Falun Dafa. He shoulders a heavy burden of alimony for his ex-wife and children. From my perspective, they treat him poorly and are ungrateful. Our financial burden increased after we married, because my income was indirectly included in calculating his alimony payments. Although we both work, our lives are severely restricted by this financial pressure. I married him because we share values, beliefs, and interests; this financial burden was of secondary importance.
As time passed, I began to resent my new husband and his ex-wife. I tried to find legal avenues to alleviate our financial burden. Ultimately, my husband decided to sue, hoping to limit his ex-wife’s claim for lifelong financial support. His ex-wife maintained she was severely ill, unable to hold a pen for even a few minutes. Shortly after, I saw a photo of her online, smiling and holding a large torch. This further solidified my suspicions: her illness was contrived in order to fraudulently obtain divorce alimony.
As the lawsuit progressed, many aspects were not thoroughly examined, and the court eventually ruled that my husband had to continue to pay alimony to his ex-wife for another five years. As I pondered how we could get through this period, I wondered if I had become greedy. Nevertheless, I was desperate to protect my interests. My lack of righteous thoughts affected my ability to consistently do the three things.
A fellow practitioner reminded me that laws are not suitable for Dafa practitioners. She said, “You’ve been given many hints to get rid your attachments, despite your unwillingness to acknowledge them. You need to change your understanding and look at problems from the perspective of the Fa.”
Her words resounded within me, and I saw how badly I had fallen, how I expected to receive from others, and how I resented them. My anger and heartlessness caused my character to decline, preventing me from fully complying with the teachings of Falun Dafa.
Master Enlightened Me in a Dream
Recently, in an effort to eliminate my attachments, I studied the Fa, sent forth righteous thoughts, and asked Master for guidance before I went to bed. I had a dream in which I encountered my husband’s ex-wife. We struck up a friendly and humorous conversation. I eventually even took her to a restaurant and had her sit at our table. I whispered to my shocked husband, “I don’t want to exclude her.”
As I watched all this unfold as if it were a movie, I wondered in surprise, “How can I be so kind to her?” When I woke up, I realized this dream was a gift from Master! I had the ability to treat her, and by extension, everyone else, with compassion. My worldly troubles should not be viewed as tragic or worthy of complaint. My heart was filled with peace and compassion, which positively impacted the rest of my day.
Once when I complained about the pain and troubles in my life, my husband told me, “Think of your fellow practitioners in China. They cultivate amid persecution, enduring real suffering! Can your suffering be compared to theirs?” I gave it some thought and realized I had nothing to complain about.
Despite cultivating for so many years, I still cling to human emotions and desires, unwilling to endure hardships and desiring a comfortable life! Yet, since I am walking the cultivation path Master arranged for me, perhaps all of this is necessary so I can repay my karma.
Perhaps my husband and I owed his ex-wife and children from our past lives, and now we are settling the debt. I want to let go of all these attachments, but merely recognizing them is not enough. I can feel the resistance from my false side, which refuses to change these current notions.
Deeper Understanding and Resolution
Recently, I have been recalling how I treated others heartlessly, arrogantly, and disrespectfully, creating new karma as a result. I regret hurting them and silently ask for their forgiveness. Those I encountered later in life, no matter the difficulties they placed in my path, were actually there to help me grow.
Through these intense trials, I realized that my attachments of resentment, anger, competitiveness, jealousy, and heartlessness were merely branches that could be traced to my fundamental attachment to fear. I carried this fear into my spiritual practice without realizing it. Moreover, my feelings of “separation” were but an illusion, a byproduct of my fear.
That fear of “losing something, being rejected, or not receiving what is due” would trigger my distrust, worry, anger, and resentment. My grievances about life and failure to cultivate my speech narrowed my mind and robbed me of compassion and forbearance. I also tended to look down on others and had occasional bouts of impatience and complacency. Everything ultimately stems from my fear, and I have caused Master a great deal of worry.
Deep down, I complained to Master about the hardships that I faced. My failure to trust that Master and the Fa would handle things well for me left me shocked and ashamed! Despite obtaining the Fa, how could I be so lost?! With deep regret, I knelt down in tears and sincerely begged Master for forgiveness. I asked for another chance to make amends, to rectify my shortcomings, and to show kindness toward those around me.
After resolving my fear and resentment, I found myself in a phase of gradual stabilization. Looking inward multiple times a day has become indispensable. I strive to use the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance to guide me in everyday life.
Although family and financial pressures still exist, I find myself at peace and my health has also improved. These trials helped me eliminate my karma and improve my character. I can now perceive the connection between my fear and other attachments and eliminate them. When old thought patterns emerge, I promptly correct myself. I also regularly examine my thoughts, words, and actions to avoid being swayed by human emotions or selfishness.
I remind myself to be more grateful, humble, and kind, to trust and remain faithful to Dafa. I continue to remain vigilant in identifying and eliminating attachments as soon as possible. I will do my best to be a worthy Dafa disciple, fulfill my sacred vows, assist Master in rectifying the Fa, and save sentient beings.
I thank Master for the countless cultivation hints and for his protection and tests arranged for me to elevate my character.
Category: Improving Oneself
