(Minghui.org) I started practicing Falun Dafa in July 2010. Dafa cleared up the darkness that had engulfed me for years, gave me hope, and helped me find meaning in life.
The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began brutally persecuting Falun Dafa and practitioners in 1999. My mother, who was a practitioner, was illegally arrested and detained three times in three years.
Because my parents were divorced, I lived with relatives while my mother was in the detention center. Fooled by the CCP’s lies, I even cooperated with the police to try to persuade my mom to give up cultivation. All our attempts were in vain. It was not until years later, that I realized the CCP was intentionally creating a distance between mom and me, and stirring up my hatred toward her.
After mom was arrested, I did not think about or dare to talk about her. I was afraid others might find out she practiced Falun Dafa. I blamed all of my pain and suffering on her: I felt she put her faith before me. I lived with this twisted mentality for 10 years.
During these 10 years, I also witnessed Dafa practitioners’ compassion. They lent a helping hand and brought warmth to mom and me when we were most desperate. Still, I could not shake the dark memories of watching her being taken away by the police right in front of my eyes.
The Truth Completely Erased Hatred
It was not until one day, I watched The Days We Were With Master Li. In the video, Falun Dafa practitioners recount their interactions with Master Li Hongzhi in the early days of his teaching. This is how I learned the truth about Falun Dafa and all my misunderstandings disappeared.
My quest for the truth started on that day: from the CCP’s bloody crackdown on Tiananmen Square on June 4, 1989, to the fake “self-immolation” the CCP used to frame Falun Dafa; from Dafa spreading around the globe to the CCP harvesting and selling organs from Falun Dafa practitioners; from practitioners seeking a peaceful cultivation environment by appealing on April 25 to the CCP’s brutal persecution of Falun Dafa.
I was shocked by the extent of the evil deeds the CCP committed. A mixture of remorse and guilt overwhelmed me. Deceived by the CCP’s lies, I had been confused for 10 years. I misunderstood Dafa and even betrayed my mother! Full of regret, tears streamed down my cheeks. In my heart, I apologized to my mom over and over again...
After learning the truth, the resentment I harbored toward her vanished completely. A thought emerged: if I were in mom’s position back then, I would have done the same as she did: I would firmly guard my faith and go to Tiananmen Square to seek justice, and protect what is right! What she did was correct!
Rescuing Another Practitioner
Once I let go of the pain that tormented me for over 10 years, I could hardly keep myself calm. I stayed home for a whole month and finished reading the entire collection of Dafa’s teachings. I found the answer to the question I’d been looking for my entire life: the meaning of life.
Dafa is here to save sentient beings. As a new practitioner, I felt I obtained the Fa late, so I must make the most of my time to help Master save people. I joined a Dafa material printing site, where I learned how to make various kinds of materials for distribution and I handed them out with other practitioners.
The printing site was later discovered by the police and shut down. The practitioner in charge was arrested. In the two years I knew her, she made Dafa materials around the clock. She did not even rest on holidays or weekends, not even on Chinese New Year. She supported the needs of our local practitioners and neighboring cities. I truly admired her.
No one stepped forward to coordinate her rescue, so I told Master in my heart that I would volunteer to help her. Another practitioner joined me soon after. With a strong sense of responsibility and mission, I was keenly aware of who I am and what I needed to do. Master told us: “The next person’s things are your things...” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2002 Conference in Washington, D.C.”)
I just returned to work after maternity leave, so I was already busy in and outside of home. To coordinate the rescue, I had to keep in contact with the lawyer and communicate with the practitioner’s family. Her family went from being uncooperative to being willing to work with us. Local practitioners went from disagreeing on ways to proceed to having a unified goal. Extra attention was needed for cell phone security when I communicated with the lawyer. Coordination among practitioners was needed to send forth righteous thoughts every time the lawyer met the practitioner in the detention center. All of these tasks put tremendous pressure on me, and every step was nerve-wracking. I called out to Master for support when I was afraid.
To keep steady righteous thoughts, I memorized one paragraph from Zhuan Falun and did all five exercises before I left for work in the morning. Early morning exercise had been a big challenge for me for a long time. I tried many times but in vain. However, I would naturally wake up at 3 a.m. every day while I was coordinating the rescue. I could easily get up and do the exercises.
Master Protects Me
One day, I talked about Falun Dafa with a young man. He asked if I had a pamphlet to give him. As I was handing him one, he suddenly grabbed my hand that was holding the pamphlet and said, “You cannot run now.” My throat tightened with fear. That was the first time I'd ever gotten caught, and I did not know how to react.
He threatened to take me to the police station, saying that he was a soldier and loved his country. His expression was stern and angry. He reminded me of my old self before I cultivated. A sense of sympathy arose inside of me. I did not want another young person—who was as deeply poisoned as I had been—to be deceived by the CCP’s lies! So I told him about myself, how I went from someone against Falun Dafa to a Falun Dafa practitioner, a complete turn around. I was quiet emotional because I was speaking from my own experience.
The young man’s icy expression softened as he listened. He let go of my hand and said, “You can go.” He asked about my profession, commenting I looked like a teacher. Perhaps teaching is a respectable profession in people’s minds. Regretfully, due to my own apprehension, I did not tell him about renouncing the CCP organizations.
Another time, a few practitioners and I went to a neighboring county to pass out Falun Dafa pamphlets. We went around in pairs, one person walking past the front of the houses and the other around the back. As I was walking toward the next house, a police car turned onto my street. Startled at first, I kept calm and kept walking. Two policemen got out of the car. One headed toward my partner and one toward me. He shouted, “Stop right there! Someone reported you! Let me see your ID.” I told him that I came to visit friends, I did not bring my ID. There were almost a 100 pamphlets in the bag I was carrying. I did not even want to imagine what would happen if they searched my bag. My heart was pounding so fast that it felt like I was choking.
Forcing myself to stay calm, I begged Master: “Master save me! Disintegrate fear, I am not afraid!” Master’s words came to me:
“No matter what the situation, do not cooperate with the evil’s demands, orders, or what it instigates.” (“Dafa Disciples’ Righteous Thoughts Are Powerful” from The Essentials of Diligent Progress II)
Doing my best to suppress the shakiness in my voice, I told the police, “Don’t touch me. I will sue you if you lay a finger on me! So you said you are police, show me your badge.” He backed down and became less aggressive. He is an auxiliary police officer. Auxiliary policemen do not have police badges nor any authority.
His partner walked over and asked me the same question. I asked for his badge. He also backed off immediately. They mumbled a few words to each other and let me go. I thought I heard them wrong. How come they let me go so fast? I could not believe my ears, I quickly walked away.
As I was passing the police car, I saw the practitioner whom I was partnered with sitting in it. Startled, I thought: Why did you cooperate with them? At that moment, the police asked me to wait and asked if I knew the person sitting in the car.
I was overwhelmed with fear again. If I admitted I knew her, then my effort a few minutes ago would be wasted. Without a second thought, I said I did not know her.
I felt miserable. I hated myself for not telling the truth with dignity and walking away from a practitioner to protect myself. I still feel sorry for what I did that day and ashamed in front of Master. I could not completely let go of my self-interest and face the situation with honesty.
Cultivating With the Enthusiasm I had When I Started
In the first three years after I became a practitioner, the failed rescue, the death of my in-laws, and mom were major impacts on my cultivation path. For a long time I was stuck in the shadow of my mom’s sudden death.
I harbored deep regret and guilt towards my mother, a fellow practitioner. Regret for not being able to help her go through a difficult time when she needed help the most. My heart hurt as if I had lost a dear partner, as we worked so well together on a Dafa project. It took me a while to let go of my sentimentality toward her.
After I had my own family, with other practitioners’ assistance, I established a printing facility, and I’ve steadily walked my cultivation path. I also joined other practitioners to give out pamphlets in markets and tell people about Falun Dafa. It seems like I am doing the three things that Master asked us, yet, I could not get back my initial enthusiasm to practice.
Looking back, it seems like I was just doing the work but I was not cultivating solidly, which affected my ability to help Master save sentient beings. Especially at home, I am quite snobbish, and I treat my husband as if I were above him. Disappointed at my husband for not living up to my expectations and not cultivating diligently, I constantly criticized him. I evaluated him based on my standards and I forced my expectations on him. I was attached to his cultivation state, the CCP culture within me was obvious. I was confrontational, especially when I believed I was right. Most of the time, I looked outward, instead of self reflecting—then I was filled with regret for my behavior. My cultivation was falling behind.
As I deepened my Fa study, I realized I had a strong attachment of pursuit when I studied the Fa. At group Fa study, I noticed other practitioners were doing so well, I too wanted to be diligent. In fact, this is a mixture of competitiveness, jealousy, and desire. I forgot that a person’s cultivation path has no role models to use as reference.
I started my cultivation later than my peers, therefore, I became attached to time from day one. I was worried about what would happen if I did not do well and what to do if I could not complete my mission. I tried to move forward while carrying a heavy mental burden. I did not realize this is a huge obstacle that’s preventing me from improving.
I must put down all my baggage, and regain the enthusiasm I had as a new practitioner.
Thank you Master! Thanks to Dafa! No words are sufficient to express my gratitude to Master!
