(Clearwisdom.net)
I started practicing Falun Gong in 1995. Since then I have been following Teacher's requirements: do the three things well, practice the exercises every day, and follow the process of Fa-rectification to clarify the truth to sentient beings. I feel honored to be a Falun Dafa practitioner during the Fa-rectification period.
On December 22, 2002, after two years of detention, I returned home from a forced labor camp. My parents were afraid I would lose my job. In China, getting a good job without connections is next to impossible. My college education helped me get the job I had. I clearly understood that I am a Falun Dafa practitioner and my path is arranged by Teacher. I would not lose my job because Teacher is taking care of me. Thus, on the day of the 2003 Chinese New Year, a few top officials from my workplace visited me and informed me that I could return to my job. However, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) is wicked. In every situation, the CCP shows its true nature, and its agents never admit to wrongdoing or crimes. The CCP is responsible for my arrest and detention, and for lowering my rank, but I was expected to be grateful to it. I recognized its trick and I still do what I should do and continue my cultivation. I would like to use this opportunity to share some of my experiences and understandings.
Recently, I felt so anxious. I could not do anything with a peaceful heart. I realized I had some problems, so I insisted on memorizing Zhuan Falun every day. At 3:30 in the morning, I did the exercises with fellow practitioners all over China by following along with the Sound of Hope radio broadcast. I insisted on doing the the three things Teacher asked us to do, but my heart was not peaceful. Oftentimes, I could not concentrate while studying the Fa. Whenever people didn't want to listen to me clarifying the truth, I became frustrated. I kept looking at my watch when I sent forth righteous thoughts. I realized my mind was not broad enough and I must improve my xinxing. I told myself again and again to calm down and study the Fa well.
I kept looking inward and was surprised by the attachments I found. I have cultivated for so many years and should have eliminated those attachments long ago. How could those attachments still be so strong? Sometimes when those attachments surface, I don't feel like a true practitioner. I know that when I cultivate well the good part is immediately separated, and the bad part will keep surfacing. But I could not use this as an excuse to not be diligent.
I kept memorizing the Fa and reading articles on the Minghui website. Gradually, my mind became clearer and clearer and I found my fundamental attachment--selfishness. When I found this fundamental attachment, all of my other attachments became much clearer to me. I want to expose them so that they will be thoroughly eliminated.
My attachment of competing occurs when I want to avoid being harmed or bullied, or losing the things I am interested in. It is selfish because I want to have a good life. Because I have this attachment, I have not truly been tolerant or compassionate. I have always felt angry and unbalanced when facing people who made trouble for me. Now that I have identified this attachment, I will eliminate it today from my heart.
I also have the attachment of jealousy. I feel uncomfortable when I see others getting something. I want to be promoted and show that I am smarter than others. I want a good reputation to fulfill my vanity. The root is again selfishness.
The attachment of showing off and being prideful is next on the list. Sometimes, I feel I have eliminated this attachment, but after a while, I find it again. For example, sometimes I am proud of how much I have enlightened to the Fa Teacher taught us, and of the number of things I have done for Dafa. The root cause is selfishness. I felt important and placed myself in a very high place. Teacher said:
"The desire to show off plus the attachment of zealotry are most easily exploited by the demonic part of your mind." ("Definitive Conclusion," Essentials for Further Advancement)
I realized how dangerous these attachments were and want to eliminate them.
Worrying too much is another of my attachments. I feel anxious no matter what I do. I am afraid that I will fall behind. Still, my purpose is for myself--selfishness. Because of this attachment, I can't calm down when I study the Fa or do the exercises, and when I'm doing one thing, I am afraid of losing the opportunity to do other things. With such a big attachment, how could I do any Fa-rectification things well? I realized that this was not my true nature. My true self should be peaceful and stay rational in whatever situation I encounter. I will eliminate this attachment thoroughly.
I also found the attachments of suspicion, fear, and apprehension. With all these attachments, I could not make a decision quickly when I needed to. I did not trust others and always had many concerns. In my cultivation, I was also on guard around fellow practitioners and could not be fully open with them. I am afraid of being monitored by the CCP. The true reason is that I am afraid of being cheated or harmed. Isn't this selfish?
I have attachments to fame, profit, saving face, and vanity. Teacher said:
"Power is what everyday people crave, while fame is a great obstacle to reaching Consummation." ("Dafa Will Forever be Pure Like Diamond," Essentials for Further Advancement)
Because we have gone through so many life cycles, every one of us has these attachments to some degree, but it is very hard for us to thoroughly eliminate them. When we remove a layer, we find we have another layer. We were all beings of the old cosmos, so we all have the nature of the old cosmos--selfishness. If not for this being the Fa-rectification period and Teacher lifting us up from hell, we would have the same fate as the old cosmos. I thought I had given up the attachments to fame and profit. On the surface, I did not argue with others to obtain benefits. Now, I realize my attachments to fame and profit are still strong. I am chasing fame. If I get a little "honor," I am very happy and my vanity becomes even stronger. This is selfish. Selfishness has been the essential nature of the old cosmos and is the reason the old cosmos is reaching its end. I have to eliminate selfishness, as it will be a main factor in determining whether I can reach Consummation.
I still have the attachment to qing. Teacher said:
"When your family or friends are suffering, are you affected inside? And are you able to keep these things in perspective? Being a cultivator is that hard!" (Lecture Eight, Zhuan Falun)
Oftentimes, I don't act like a practitioner when dealing with family affairs. I have so many things I can't give up. Love and hatred are mingled in my heart. I recalled what Teacher said about this attachment:
"Those who are attached to affection for family will definitely be burned, entangled, and tormented by it. Pulled by the threads of affection and plagued by them throughout their lives, they will find it too late to regret at the end of their lives." ("Cultivators' Avoidances," Essentials for Further Advancement)
When I dig deeper, I realize that this is also the attachment of selfishness. This keeps me wallowed in the benefits of our family unit, but makes me forget the essential meaning of cultivation. Teacher wrote:
"If this sentimentality is not relinquished, you will be unable to practice cultivation. If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person's mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble." (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
Teacher has told us the essence of cultivation. Teacher has also told us:
"This is the most convenient school of practice. In addition, it is practiced directly according to the characteristic of the universe. It is the quickest, most direct path, and it precisely targets one's heart." (Lecture Eight, Zhuan Falun)
On the path of cultivation, we should cultivate ourselves diligently and not ignore any of our attachments, eliminating them all. Today I found my fundamental attachment--selfishness--and exposed all of the other attachments I have found. I feel I have let go of a huge burden and feel very happy. I will study the Fa more diligently and purify my heart and mind further.
Fellow practitioners, let us cultivate ourselves more diligently together. Teacher has given his heart to saving us. We have to do the three things well and cultivate ourselves "to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism." ("Non-Omission in Buddha Nature," Essentials for Further Advancement). Only this way will we not disappoint Teacher. Only this way will we keep the oath we made in a prehistoric time and move on to the new cosmos.
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