(Clearwisdom.net) It's been a long while since I seriously did some introspection. When encountering problems, I have always looked at others' loopholes and felt grieved, pessimistic, and disappointed.
I have not yet overcome this state. I felt bad for fellow practitioners' lack of diligence, and worried for my husband, child, mother, and relatives. Because they didn't meet my expectations, I was angry and helpless. I didn't really consider them and put myself in their shoes.
My mindset is the reason for all this. I didn't do things for the benefit of others. I forced my ways onto them according to my likes and dislikes. I am doing things for various hidden, egocentric reasons. How could I hope to get good results?
I understand that selfishness is at the root of all wicked thoughts and actions. It must be eliminated. If putting your ego first, nothing you do will turn out well. Only selflessness will ultimately banish hindrances; only altruism will make one smile all the time, only altruism can make constant compassion emerge, without complain or resentment. Compassion can melt all. But orders, expectations, demands, blaming, and complains will only make people walk in the opposite direction.
For a long time I have done my best to clarify the truth to my husband. Sometimes I had tears rolling down my face; other times we argued. I also wrote him letters. I tried anything I could think of. Whenever we touched related topics, I raised the issue. Yet, our conflict has gotten worse and worse.
My marriage was on the verge of collapse. I wanted to give him up. But deep in my heart and mind I couldn't bear giving him up. When my marriage was almost over I found out how selfish I was! All this time I didn't really try to offer him salvation, but talked about the truth for my own benefit: to keep him, not losing him; for him to treat me better. I didn't want to lose him because he treated me well!
My ego and emotions were the things that hindered him from being offered salvation. I felt sorry and embarrassed for my self-centeredness. I claimed that I was magnificent, because for the benefit of others I was able to let go of all I had. In reality, I didn't let go of anything and destroyed him.
I had not listened to Master's words that I should do things in accordance with the principles of "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance," and correct my every thought, word, and deed. How could I correct others when I am wrong? Actually, my many improper human thoughts hid my egocentricity! When we notice such thoughts we must completely eliminate them.
We must quickly assimilate to Dafa and let go of our ego, to offer more sentient beings salvation. Almost all human notions - fear, hatred, grievance, the competitive mentality, arguing, boasting, jealousy, making excuses for oneself and so forth - stem from one's misplaced ego. Some of us can go to extremes in word and deed when someone or something infringes on our self-interests.
Let us join efforts, to find our hidden selfish motives, get rid of them and strive forward diligently.
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