(Clearwisdom.net) Upon reading the report "Former Tsinghua University Student Ms. Liu Zhimei Sustains Mental Collapse from Injections of Unnecessary and Harmful Drugs" (http://www.clearwisdom.net/html/articles/2010/2/18/114775.html), I cried. I thought: Long-term tremendous mental pressure, lack of regular Fa study, human thoughts and attachments as well as the effect of poison contributed to Ms. Liu Zhimei's mental collapse.
Over the past more than ten years of persecution by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), how many of our practitioners have suffered from mental collapses because they were injected with poison, and after being subjected to brutal physical torture and mental torment? The persecution is still ongoing, imprisoned practitioners are still suffering, and those practitioners who are not detained also have to go through various kinds of trials and tribulations. I want to write down some of my personal experiences to share with fellow practitioners.
The following is my understanding and may not be completely correct. I'm writing about how I was able to do well, not to show off but to share my understanding. I understand that being able to break through tests and tribulations depends on keeping Master and the Fa in mind so that one is able to act righteously with righteous thoughts. When one does not do well, it is because one has strong human thoughts or is unable to endure and his or her main consciousness is relaxed. Then, at that moment, one's human thought replaces the divine thought. If a cultivator can do things based on the Fa at all times, the evil dares not get close to him, and neither does it dare to blatantly persecute him. No matter how big the test or tribulation is, even if it is a life-and-death test, if one only has the Fa and Master in mind, any demon or test will become as nothing in front of this cultivator. Usually serious persecution stems from some human thoughts or attachments that have not been eliminated for a long time.
I used to be a high school teacher. After I was sentenced to imprisonment in 2001, several times the local police came to the detention center, asking me if I wanted to go back to work. I said, "Yes." The police continued, "Then if you say you will stop practicing [Falun Gong] now, the court's verdict will immediately become invalid. We will send you home immediately, and you can do whatever you want to do." Calmly but firmly I told them, "I do want to have a good job, and a complete family, but it's you who fired me from my job. I cannot exchange my belief for resuming my job." Looking back, I thought, if I agreed with the CCP agents' condition then, the next step would lead to a more miserable ending. We should have been released unconditionally and been able to resume our lives and everything we had before. Think about it carefully, the real purpose of the demon is to coerce us to give up Dafa. If we did not take the first step well, and then the next step, they would pressure us with all kinds of conditions until we gave in. Regardless if whether we were reformed against our will or we went along with it, they would put us in a position of being neither human nor demon.
While I was incarcerated in prison, I was subjected to humiliation, curses, beatings, long periods of sleep deprivation, and being forced to stand for long periods of time. I was forbidden to use water to wash my teeth, hands, face and clothing in the hot summer. I was placed in solitary confinement for a long time. I was subjected to sleep deprivation for two weeks. I recited the Fa in my mind, and sent righteous thoughts at any moment, resisting the evil. No matter what tactics the evil used, my mind remained unmoved. The prison head came in person and hypocritically said to me, "We have told your local related governmental organizations and your school that as long as you reform, you can return home to resume your teaching post." She asked me, "Do you want to teach?" I said, "Very much." She said, "You have to agree to my condition, you have to reform." I told her, "Neither my work, my living conditions or anything else can be used as a condition of exchange to cause me to give up my belief." After having gone through many hardships, I finally walked out of the prison.
I was out of prison, but I was held in a brainwashing facility where collaborators instilled me with evil understanding, and I was manipulated by human emotions. I questioned myself, "Have I walked a wrong path?" As soon as this unrighteous thought came out, it immediately polluted my dimension. One day, I was unable to stand the torment by human emotions, and I agreed to be "reformed". Several days later, I calmed down, and realized that I had done wrong. Moreover, compassionate Master gave me a hint. In my dream a compassionate and dignified Goddess of Mercy gently tapped me with a whisk. An enormous sound slowly came to me through the universe, full of compassion and dignity and asked me, "Haven't you endured enough hardships? Do you still want to suffer more?" I was stunned and immediately woke up from my dream. I thought at that moment there was no reason for me to live. I had fallen in my cultivation before having defended Master and restored justice to Master. I cannot describe in words the complex feelings that came over me at that time.
I began considering how to take my next step while in the brainwashing facility. With my main consciousness I thought, "I can't live a disgraceful life." The 610 Office head came to see me, asking me, "Tell me how you have changed your mind." I said in a serious tone, "Think about it, I have suffered torture in prison for many years, nothing has shaken my belief in my Master and the Fa, how can you reform me?" I immediately turned from being passive to becoming active, with my righteous thoughts my main consciousness completely woke up. I kept myself under control, and I was able to not travel even further away from the righteous path and cause bigger losses. I felt I had won the right to tell people the facts and remain noble and upright on my cultivation path.
However, after returning home, I lived a much more miserable life than I did while in prison. My husband beat me almost daily and drove me out of our home many times in the middle of the night. He grabbed my hair and hit my head against the ground. My teeth were knocked out, my eyes became black and blue and swollen. My elementary school-aged son was frightened, and knelt down in front of his father, pleading with him not to beat me. Many times I thought of death to end all this. But I thought, "Is committing suicide something a Dafa practitioner should be considering? Would I be validating Dafa or undermining Dafa? I must break through this test." In my pain, I sought Master's help and strengthening and I made up my mind to cultivate myself well. But the strong human thoughts that I was still attached to caused me to have difficulty passing the test of family smoothly. My husband's beatings became worse and worse. Every night my child encouraged me to be brave. He also said that he was worried about me, and was afraid that due to the pressure, I may have gone insane one day when he returned home from school. I assured him that I am Dafa practitioner, I won't go insane. Actually I was unable to let go of my sentimentality for my husband, and I harbored a grudge because he had an affair with another woman. I was unable to maintain my xinxing and thus incurred the persecution.
One day, amongst the huge tribulation, I suddenly had the urge to laugh but I tried hard to control my emotions. I did not laugh but instead I cried. Similar phenomena happened again, but I tried to control myself, warning myself that I am a Dafa practitioner. Once during our group Fa study, I felt again that I wanted to cry and laugh and this feeling was very strong. I was studying the Fa, but I just wanted to laugh. The moment I controlled myself, I felt that I was almost suffocating, and then I wanted to cry. I was unable to continue with my Fa study. The fellow practitioners continued to read the Fa. I silently reminded myself that I am a Dafa practitioner, eliminate all evil spirits and rotten demons that were interfering with and persecuting me. When I was about to lose control again, I bit the tip of my tongue, and clenched my hands tightly. I was sweating at the time. I didn't have the courage to tell other practitioners and I thought this was abnormal behavior. After the fellow practitioners left, I told my mother, who is also a practitioner, about this and she encouraged me to strengthen my Fa study, behave like a cultivator, and treat everything, good or bad, as good things in cultivation, as Master has taught us. The next day, the same thing happened again during our Fa study. My mother encouraged me and said, "You decide for yourself, let's eliminate those bad things today." But I still was unable to study the Fa, and when I read, I wanted to cry and laugh. So my mother read aloud and I listened. I concentrated on listening to the Fa wholeheartedly. If interference occurred, I silently recited verses and sent righteous thoughts. After a while, that substance was eliminated. Since then, I no longer have abnormal emotions.
From this experience I think, as cultivators, we must have a strong will and be able to control ourselves. We should put much effort into Fa study and reciting the Fa. I hope every practitioner can maintain righteous thoughts and actions in any circumstances.
At the same time, amidst horrendous persecution, some practitioners were coerced against their will, being unable to endure the suffering at that moment. We should be tolerant and considerate of these practitioners who did not walk their cultivation path well during a period of time, and help them to build up righteous thoughts from the Fa as soon as possible. All losses were caused by the evil. As long as practitioners can be firm with themselves and walk back from the detour, Dafa is boundless, the Fa will definitely break all attachments, and rectify all that is unrighteous.
The above is my personal understanding, please kindly point out anything that is inappropriate.
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