(Clearwisdom.net) I took up the practice of Falun Dafa in 1996 when I was 20 years old. After the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began to openly persecute Falun Gong, I was made to go through illegal detention and forced brainwashing on various occasions. There was a period of time when I essentially gave up on myself and almost lost my life as a result. Below I share what happened to me in hopes to inspire those who once entered the door of cultivation, but later left, so they can also experience Master’s immense compassion and return to Dafa as soon as possible.
While I was incarcerated at a brainwashing center in 2001, I suddenly felt very detached from the Fa and could not even recite Lunyu as I used to. Driven by my fear and human notions, I wrote, against my will, the so-called three statements to renounce my belief in Falun Dafa.
As soon as I set down the pen, I was filled with regret. What pained me even more was that, after my release, I found all the Dafa books I hid in the hallway of my apartment building were gone. I knew I had done something gravely wrong. Without Dafa books to study and since I was no longer able to recite any passages of the Fa from memory, I felt totally lost. I managed to pull myself together to go to work during the day, yet I cried all night long after returning home.
One day the local 610 Office summoned me for a meeting. They demanded that I re-write the three statements and that I help them reform other practitioners; or else they’d send me to a labor camp. I refused to cooperate with them and said with tears in my eyes, “I don’t care if you jail or even kill me, but I’m not going to do these things!” I didn’t realize that this was in fact an opportunity for me to reclaim myself, but I knew that I could no longer afford to do anything that let down Master. Perhaps because of my determination to not follow the evil’s demands, I was able to return to cultivation safely.
My physical body was free, yet my heart was still in a cage. In my mind I was always thinking that I was no longer worthy of cultivating Dafa since I failed to protect Dafa books and also signed a statement renouncing the practice. I buried myself in regret every day, not realizing that such a mentality had become a new attachment. I appeared to be very respectful towards Dafa, yet in my heart I already gave up on myself, as I felt I didn’t deserve to be a practitioner.
Then I found out I was pregnant. Somehow I had a vague feeling that it was a sign from compassionate Master encouraging me to live my life well. During my pregnancy, my family and friends all cared about me deeply; even those who used to oppose my cultivation treated me nicely. Once my husband and I went out for a walk and we ran into a policeman who arrested me before. I was surprised that he greeted me with a smile. We all understood from the Fa that if Dafa disciples did well, they would be able to save the lives in their surroundings that had predestined relationships with Dafa. Unfortunately, back then I was just plagued by my sorrow and regret, and I failed to realize that the positive change in non-practitioners was a manifestation of Master’s compassion and Dafa’s might.
I kept living in regret like this for several months until I experienced a miracle while delivering my baby at the hospital.
When the doctors discovered that my blood platelet count was far below the normal level, I figured it must be due to the karma I accrued from betraying Master and Dafa, so I was ready to face any possible consequence. Every time I had contractions, the pain was excruciating. Moreover, the hospital ran out of blood on that day, and I was told a C-section would not be feasible and the doctors would have no way to save me if I had a hemorrhage during labor.
Figuring that it’d take a few more hours for me to become fully dilated, the doctors and nurses went to take a rest one after another, leaving me alone in the delivery room. I kept saying “I’m sorry, Master!” in my heart as I was about to lose consciousness due to the unbearable pain. Even so, I didn’t dare to say, “Falun Dafa is good and Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good” since I felt I didn’t deserve Master’s salvation.
The next morning when the doctor on duty woke up, he awakened the nurses to come check on me. They were shocked to see me half conscious, with my water broken and my birth canal still closed. Being unsure of how to handle this situation, they immediately rushed an experienced obstetrician to the hospital. I was soon hooked up to all kinds of machines and given labor induction medication. The pain kept intensifying and I felt I was going to pass out. Then I heard one nurse yell, “The baby is distressed!”
At that moment a thought suddenly flashed in my mind, “Save this life! Let this child come to this world to learn Dafa.” From the bottom of my heart I began to ask Master to please help save this child. My desire was so strong that I shouted loudly, “Master help!” As soon as I uttered these words, I saw over my head Master and numerous Buddhas, Dao’s and Gods looking at me seriously. I realized right away that Master never gives up on disciples who make mistakes and had always been there watching over me. It was my stubbornness that was preventing me from accepting Dafa’s salvation.
My baby then came out miraculously; I didn’t have any hemorrhaging. It was Master that saved both my child and me at that crucial moment!
I hope that my experience will encourage former practitioners who have done things they regret to set aside any concerns they may have and resume cultivation as soon as possible. Compassionate Master has been watching over us all along and is awaiting our return.
Please point out anything inappropriate. Heshi!
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