(Minghui.org) I started to practice Falun Dafa in 1997. However, I was not sure if I had cultivated well. Superficially, I cultivated diligently. I spent all my spare time studying the Fa. I got up early in the morning to do the exercises every day, and I did the three things Master asks us to do.
Practitioners are all Master's disciples, so I tried to treat them equally and learned from them. I pointed out their shortcomings with a kind heart and we improved together. Fellow practitioners praised me, but I didn't look healthy, and my appearance was unsightly.
Master mentioned that a practitioner should look younger as he or she progresses in cultivation, but I was aging quickly. My husband, also a practitioner, said that my appearance made Dafa look bad. I was very skinny with a pale, yellowish face.
I knew that I didn't look good, so I wore an air-pollution mask to cover my face and dressed well when I went out to talk to people about the persecution of Falun Dafa. As a practitioner, I should not be like that. I was ashamed of myself.
I knew I hadn't cultivated well at home. I was not kind to my husband and lost my temper if I wasn't happy with something. I looked down on him and blamed him all the time. I thought that he had no good points. I was quite clear on the Fa principles, but I used them to measure others, not myself.
I measured my husband's every action with the Fa principles and worried about his cultivation state. I told him that I was too tired because of him and that I would have cultivated better if he was not with me. I thought that it was he who prevented me from improving. He was nobody in my eyes. I knew this was not right, because I wasn't cultivating myself in this regard.
Practitioners pointed out a strong feeling of demon nature in my dimensional field. I tried to correct it. After I lost my temper, I was annoyed with myself and made up my mind to do better next time. But it was the same when the next time came around. It became the most difficult tribulation for me to pass. What could I do?
I was shocked when I read the article 'An Incorrect Cultivation State Originating from a Strong Ego” published on the Chinese Minghui website. (Chinese only: http://www.minghui.org/mh/articles/2014/7/22/不好的状态来源于强烈的自我-294822.html). The article seemed to be all about me. I presented a superficial me in public. It was easy for me to cultivate among practitioners, but why did I fail every time at home? The reason was that I was attached to myself--I had a strong ego.
Looking back on my ten years of cultivation, I knew that Master had guided my every step. Without Master or Dafa, how could I possibly walk the cultivation path to my true home? How lucky people are who can obtain the Fa! When I go out walking and see so many people, I wonder how many of them have been lucky enough or will be lucky enough to obtain the Fa. Then why did I not cultivate myself? Why did I measure my husband and not myself with the Fa principles?
I could pinpoint a problem in my husband's cultivation, but I was not kind when pointing it out to him. I either blamed him or condemned him. He then became rebellious and fought back sometimes. I worried about his cultivation state and thought he was not aware of his state because he fought back when I pointed it out to him. He was not willing to let go of his attachments. How could he cultivate?
It is only now that I realize that it was I who was keeping him from improving. My strong attachment to showing off and ego hindered him from improving in cultivation.
I was ashamed of myself and felt so guilty. I was not worthy of Master's compassionate salvation. I gradually changed my view towards my husband and saw that he was quite good.
When he lost his temper, I was able to stay calm and realize that I had done the same to him before and had to go through it myself this time. This was the first time I had experienced the meaning of “forbearance” in my ten years of cultivation.
Looking within is a magical tool. When we can find our fundamental attachments, we won't feel the need to have to work at forbearing when conflicts arise. They will pass in an instant.
My karma was the cause of my appearance, as I had harbored these black substances. Master removed them for me when I found my attachments and had the wish to improve in cultivation. I felt light and relaxed, and now smile every day.
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Category: Improving Oneself
