(Minghui.org) I experienced an illness tribulation which gave me the incentive to think deeply about being a Falun Dafa practitioner.
I felt dizzy and my head was swollen when I came down with this illness. There were a number of symptoms, including loss in eyesight clarity, weakness, tiredness, breaking out in a cold sweat, hearing loss, and difficulty walking. When I couldn't sleep, I studied the Fa.
I stayed in my room to study the Fa except for meal times to avoid being found out by my non-practitioner family members. I did go to work, as I needed to keep up the appearance of feeling well.
Many thoughts came to mind, especially one that was telling me that I might really be ill. I thought that I needed to watch my diet, eat less, or not eat certain foods, and that I might experience some side effects if I ate too much.
The thought that this condition was a good thing also entered my mind, as much karma was being eliminated. I decided that I should treat this situation as a good thing.
I asked myself, “since this was not an illness, why should I treat it with such human notions?” A thought entered my mind, “The enlightened beings are observing my every thought.”
Karma Elimination
I was certain that how much karma would be eliminated would not be changed by how much or what I ate. On the contrary, the concept of illness itself was an attachment that needed to be removed. If it was not removed, the tribulation would be much harder to pass. More interference would then get involved and stretch this tribulation in order to “help” eliminate that attachment. An enlightened being wouldn't have such an illness concept.
Ordinary people only want to live a comfortable life, but practitioners live for having karma eliminated, and the more, the better. Of course we should not intentionally search for trouble. Holding the illness concept in our mind just to try to eliminate karma isn't good. We need to cast off everyday people’s concepts and the idea of being ill. Each and every thought needs to be in line with the teachings of the Fa.
I also had formed negative thoughts. Whenever I met with an incident, I would think “what if?” For example, what if my family members found out and forced me to go to a hospital? What if I could not pass the tribulation, which in turn would reflect the Fa negatively.
I received a commercial email entitled “Failure is not an option.” I knew it was a hint from Master informing me that if I trusted in Master and the Fa, I would be able to pass any test, and I don’t need to think too much. Master said that we should lead normal lives but that doesn’t mean that we should go to the hospital just to fit in, and that I shouldn't be worrying about that.
Finding Pitfalls When Looking for Shortcomings
I looked within to see what shortcomings I had. It seemed I had an attachment to living a comfortable life, that I was lazy and always failed to get up in the morning. The interference made me weak.
I had basically removed the attachment of lust so that notion was not there. However, I was still sentimental about my mother. My mother was also a practitioner. After she passed away, I felt bad for some things that I did not do well while she was alive. I therefore donated some money for a project helping people to know the facts about Falun Dafa.
I never thought that what I was doing was wrong. But I now know that I did it out of sentimental feelings for my mother. I mixed my sentimentality attachment with a Dafa cause. Cultivation and saving sentient beings are very serious and how could I mix it with the sentiment I had for my mother? Besides, it was not my decision for whom to give mighty virtue, as everything has been arranged by Master. Such donations are for saving sentient beings and should not be confused with receiving virtue.
I felt a huge amount of karma pressing down on me and almost passed out. My heart felt deeply troubled. However, I held the thought that I must hold on. Master removed a large amount of karma sometime later and I felt much lighter. I was crying on the inside because I appreciated what Master had done for me.
Making the Right Decisions
I still felt weak, but planned to distribute flyers. For this, I had to carry a heavy backpack and walk for several hours. I didn't tell anyone about this plan because I was not sure if I could carry it through. I decided to take the plunge and distributed the flyers for two days.
I kept reciting the Fa to strengthen my righteous thoughts. Master arranges everything, and I no longer felt weak on the third morning.
This experience taught me that I was not strong enough to withstand suffering and my willpower was too weak. I even had thoughts of giving up cultivation. I had treated the situation as an ordinary person’s illness and felt ashamed.
Being divine or human is not decided by talking, but by solidly cultivating and believing in Master and the Fa. From now on I will keep a strong will.
Master mentioned several times about tempering our will in Hong Yin Vol. II and Hong Yin III. I now know that I can't take any shortcuts. I need to acknowledge that there will be suffering. Cultivation is an extremely serious matter. How would enlightened being’s look at me? If I failed to meet the standard, I would fail to pass the test.
This is my understanding. Please point out anything inappropriate.
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