(Minghui.org) It's been five or six years since I obtained the Fa. Because I didn't really understand the importance of Fa study and treated doing things as cultivation, I thought I was rather diligent as I was always busy with Dafa things. Then last year I was struck by sudden sickness karma, which really shocked me and woke me up.
While I was reading news about a former Party head, I had a thought that was not righteous. I suddenly felt as if a metal ball 2 cm in diameter had smashed into my chest. Soon afterwards, I found a lump on my chest 2 cm in diameter. I wasn't sure if this "sickness" karma had any direct link with this, but I began to look within and wondered why I was being persecuted by the evil.
I talked about this at group Fa study, and one practitioner said that the persecution right now usually had something to do with the attachment to lust. I didn't take much notice of what he said, thinking it had nothing to do with me as I didn't have to worry about anything in that regard.
Another practitioner later told me, “Yes, the attachment to lust is the issue.” She said when she had unrighteous thoughts, the child sleeping with her smacked her on the chest in her sleep. It really shocked her. I thought, "Something is growing in my chest. Isn't it because I have too many human sentiments?" Before I went to bed, I thought, "What is it? Can I see it?"
I had a dream and saw a snake. In another dream, I saw myself taken over by a big fish the size of a child in the rolling waves of a vast sea. I was quite alert and paid attention to looking within. I could also feel Master's strengthening while I looked inward. In my mind appeared three words that have the same sound in the Chinese language: fish-desire-prison. Startled, I woke up, but I didn't understand what attachment of lust I had or how I had done wrong.
I went on the Minghui website and read a lot of sharing articles written by fellow practitioners on the subject. In the end I found where my problem was.
I went straight into projects like selling Shen Yun Performing Arts tickets, selling ads for the Epoch Times, encouraging people to quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its affiliated organizations, etc. I was busy every day, but I didn't understand the importance of Fa study and doing the exercises. I had a lot of questions that still baffled me and I would ask any practitioner that I came across.
I later understood that I needed to study the Fa more often. But when I sat down to read, I had a lot of interference, and I would feel dizzy. Something was blocking me from the Fa and I felt miserable and got anxious, which led to misunderstandings on my husband's part. He thought I had changed into an unhappy person after I began to practice Falun Gong.
Following an Individual Instead of the Fa
A fellow practitioner who saw my situation was willing to help me, so I went to see him quite often and poured out all my confusions and anxieties. I was very grateful that he was willing to help me. Although some of my questions were strange, this practitioner always explained things to me patiently. I felt like a door was opened in my life, and I really enjoyed listening to him, feeling that he was so knowledgeable.
Later, I went to see him out of curiosity, a pursuit for knowledge, and zealotry. I began to really trust him and would ask him about anything, and by and by I became dependent on him without realizing it. Looking back, I see now that I had already gone astray and followed a path arranged by the old forces. I was following an individual instead of the Fa.
When I read articles on the Minghui website that said male and female practitioners should avoid being alone together, I thought it made a lot of sense. We are Dafa disciples and the old forces cannot destroy us at will. However, once they have grabbed hold of our loopholes, they lead us astray and destroy us in the end.
As time went on, I began to have negative thoughts about my husband, thinking that he was pretty good, but it would be much better if he could share with me about cultivation, and then I would be really happy. When my family planned a holiday, I thought it was boring and a waste of time. I felt it would be much more meaningful to chat with that fellow practitioner.
When I came back from the holiday, I was really pleased to see him so I could again chat with him about things I found interesting. Looking back, I realize that my willingness to be with the practitioner was no longer pure and was mixed with human sentiments.
At that time, several practitioners pointed out to me that what I was doing was not right. But I didn't take any notice of it, thinking there wouldn't be any problem as we were both practitioners, and my husband and I were getting along very well. I didn't know many practitioners at the time and I didn't want to “lose” this practitioner.
In fact, I was measuring my conduct against everyday people's criteria instead of the Fa principles. I have so much regret now. In the past I thought that it was only a sin when one failed to restrain one's sexual behavior. But Dafa teaches us to cultivate our heart. When my heart was moved, even when I was unaware of it, the gods in the entire universe saw it.
Attachment of Lust Exposed
Perhaps Master saw that I was in danger, so a fellow practitioner often shared with me about her own attachment of lust. At the time I thought I was helping her. Once I told her that a fellow practitioner helped me a lot, and that I was so pleased I had someone to share with at last. She said, “Maybe you are truly grateful to him, but your dependence on him and your feelings for him are filled with lust and desire.” I was truly shocked, as I felt that she couldn't have said those words herself, and I really started to pay attention.
Once when I was studying the Fa, I suddenly felt dizzy and I couldn't focus on what I was reading. I then saw a demon of lust dashing towards me at high speed. Another time while I was studying the Fa, I thought I should call the practitioner about something. Immediately a cluster of things came crashing down on me and I got dizzy again. Later, whenever I called this practitioner I started having headaches, and even when I went to his place for Fa study, I felt dizzy and couldn't even stand up. Once I even fell asleep sitting in the lotus position. At last, I realized that I was being interfered with by the demon of lust.
I trusted that practitioner to the point that I would ask him about anything, tell him anything, and sometimes I also poured out my grievances to him. I realized now that there were sentiments behind such trust. I felt really content after chatting with him. I also enjoyed the feeling of having someone near me. I now know it was a pursuit of sentiment. I once saw in my dream that I even tried to use this practitioner to build myself up. From this, I saw an attachment to fame through sexual attraction.
For a while I was fighting some inappropriate thoughts of lust and desire, even though nothing was shown on the surface. In fact, I had been dropped obvious hints before I got to know this practitioner. I saw in my dream that I was making exquisite arts and crafts, but they were all made of feces. I also saw in my dream that I was running home, carrying a pile of old clothes and umbrellas with feces all over them. I didn't know at the time that they were hints to point out my attachment to lust and desire.
Although I stopped contacting the practitioner, I didn't realize the seriousness of the issue and failed to recognize that I had already made a serious mistake. I hadn't read any sharing articles on the Minghui website regarding this issue and I didn't know that the evil would persecute me in my own dimensional field. I didn't pay much attention to the issue or eliminate the wrong thoughts, so the evil didn't let me go and just changed its approach to persecute me.
Lust Manifests in Different Ways
After the incidents with Wang Lijun and Bo Xilai, I spent a lot of time on the Internet reading about them. Later I started browsing web pages about movie stars and immersed myself in everyday people's fame and gain and sentiments. I then began looking at pornographic photos of the CCP officials. Once, while I was reading news about a Party head, the evil element got into my body. I felt so full of regret that I can hardly believe that I'm the one who is writing this article.
I remember a fellow practitioner once came to my place to send righteous thoughts with me. I kept looking at her. I didn't know why I was doing it, and it made her feel really uncomfortable. On another occasion, I went to do group exercises, and suddenly I had a sinister look in my eyes and gave an angry stare sideways. As it turned out, a young male practitioner was standing there.
I wondered why this was happening. Suddenly, I understood that it was not me who wanted to look, but the attachment to lust that wanted to look. There was something bad that was acting independently in my dimension – lust. It was the lust that was at work.
Because I wanted to break away from it, it went crazy. At last I saw this attachment and understood that the lust and desire was not me. Still, I did many bad things under its influence. Apart from my sentiments towards that fellow practitioner, when I clarified the truth to people, I also showed more interest in talking to people that I liked. It was, in fact, the lust that was being selective. It also reflected my attachment of lust and desire.
Sometimes when I came across a practitioner who shared the same views as mine, I would think, "If he were my husband, we would get on very well." Again, this thought came from the attachment of lust. Sometimes in my dreams, I went to see male friends I liked before I got married and completely forgot that I was a cultivator and forgot that I was already married. All this happened under the control of lust.
At one point a practitioner from out of town came to our area to help with our training. He seemed to like my ability to sell ads, and that made me feel really happy. As a result, I felt dizzy and sleepy while studying the Fa. It was interference from lust. When I looked deeper, I could see many attachments, such as to fame, to showing off, and to validating myself. When I looked deeper, behind all these was the attachment to lust.
Once I was looking for a driver to take my child to school. One of the job seekers sounded very pleasant on the phone, and I was a bit carried away. Indeed, after I met him I felt dizzy again while studying the Fa. This time, I remembered the Fa and I picked up Zhuan Falun and read out loud the relevant paragraphs. My head became clear after I read them twice, and I was able to continue with Fa study.
The Power of the Fa Eliminated My Desires
This incident gave me a lot of encouragement, and I truly felt the mighty power of the Fa. So I started eliminating the dirty attachment of lust with the help of the power of the Fa. I often recited relevant paragraphs in the Fa, and after a while, I felt the interference weakening and I could conduct myself without being carried away. I wasn't afraid of it anymore, and the tests in my dreams were also reduced. I believed that I could completely eliminate it through cultivation in Dafa.
Once in a dream I was sitting in a restroom with a practitioner who often helped repair my computer. The restroom was very clean and pleasant. It seemed very strange, but thought I didn't have any inappropriate thoughts about this practitioner and that we were just like brother and sister. Later I realized that the problem lies exactly there. “Brother and sister” is also a kind of human sentiment. Sentiments are a substance in the Three Realms, and we need to relinquish them through cultivation.
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Category: Improving Oneself
