(Minghui.org) I've realized that I had the very bad habit of beating myself up whenever I made a mistake. I now think that this is an incorrect view that allows the evil to exploit our gaps and do bad things.
Master told us,
“Dafa disciples have to cultivate on the basis of the Fa and do the three things of Dafa disciples well, and only then can one walk one’s path correctly and wash oneself clean of the times when one fell short. In actuality, we don’t need to think about any 'washing oneself clean.' When you haven’t passed a test in cultivation well, then just make sure to handle well the things that lie ahead and do well the next time you encounter that test, and that’s it. Some people think that [their failing that test] is a stain upon them, and they really feel terribly burdened by it. But isn’t that another attachment? Evil factors are capitalizing on precisely that attachment of yours.” (“2012 International Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital”)
Recently, after failing a test, I was so upset that I was even willing to beat myself up–if I was standing in front of me, I would have hit myself. It is easy to imagine how the old forces could use that sort of gap with the excuse, “Oh, so are you saying you are not worthy of being a cultivator? You wouldn't mind these tribulations then...” Especially in the mainland, I really hope that those who have that kind of mentality can see it clearly and let it go.
When I calmed down, I rationally looked within. Was it possible that I was simply unaware of a new standard I had to reach through cultivation? Was it possible that I didn't really understand what Fa-Rectification is? There is always the principle that at each level we cultivate to, there is always higher Fa of which we are not aware. Was I once again in one of those situations?
I then thought in my heart, “I want to learn. I want to save beings.” When I realized that this intent was pure and that I should treasure it, I saw how I had treated myself in the past and began crying.
Master taught us,
“I don't like it when you blame yourselves, it's completely pointless. I'll just repeat what I said: If you've fallen don't just lie there, get up right away!” (“Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference”)
For a very long time, whenever I failed a particular test, I would be very harsh on myself–so harsh that it would not be encouraging, to say the least. I wouldn't treat other human beings like that, so why treat my uncultivated human side that way? Isn't it this human side that still wants to cultivate and save the beings here?
I realized that I was being a bully to myself, instead of cherishing and valuing myself for that genuine wish to assist Master. As cultivators, we can see our bad behavior as something we should correct. But when a mistake has been made, dwelling on how bad we are is also an attachment, since we often can't laugh about it. Shouldn't we instead remind ourselves to do better next time, without grieving? When we are clearheaded enough to see a mistake, we should have the wisdom to be optimistic.
I think there is a fine line where our hearts are unmoved, yet we are optimistic about our ability to pass tests, even if we make mistakes. We have to realize that to have that genuine wish—to save beings—is something solemn and precious, and that we should treasure ourselves. Of course, we should also avoid believing that we are too special and risk ruining ourselves.
This is an understanding at my current level, so please point out anything inappropriate and don't take what I say for granted.
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Category: Improving Oneself
