(Minghui.org) This is my first time writing a cultivation article, although I began practicing Falun Gong nearly 20 years ago. Step-by-step, I have relinquished many attachments and been tempered to maturity.
I would like to share how I encountered two major tribulations that helped me remove my fear of being alone and my unwillingness to shoulder responsibility. This happened during the time I ran a truth clarification materials production site.
Overcoming Jealousy of a Fellow Practitioner
The print shop started production in March 2014. In July of that year, my partner in the undertaking suddenly left. I was scared and felt lonely. As I stood there, I could feel that this fear was like a substance attached to me. I thought, “I cannot let it control me; it is nothing. I have to keep going and finish my mission no matter what happens.”
Something Master taught then came to mind: “…as long as you practice cultivation, I’m actually right by your side.” (“Teaching the Fa in New York City” from Lectures in the United States)
I said to Master in my heart, “I know you are beside me, so I am fearless. Nothing can harm me. This is where I should clarify the truth and help save sentient beings. I will keep it up!”
Later, whenever I sat down at the computer, I would hold the thought: “With the purest mind I must print out the best materials to save sentient beings.”
The coordinator for our site mentioned that my former partner, Ms. Feng, was much more capable and courageous than I. A few other practitioners said that they agreed with her opinion. Encounters like that happened repeatedly, and I was unhappy every time. Yet I did not see them as opportunities to remove my human notions! I would tell myself that I needed to face the reality that I was jealous and should relinquish the attachment. I repeated many times: “Ms. Feng is indeed better than I am” to try and suppress my bad thoughts and jealousy.
I was working on producing Falun Gong materials full time back then, and my fear of being alone overtook me. It was a terrible feeling!
There was a fellow practitioner who temporarily helped me produce the materials. But one day she told me that she was going on a business trip. That made me even more fearful, anxious, and depressed.
At the same time, Ms. Feng emailed me with a suggestion to buy a better binder so that I could staple documents together without damaging the tools. But I was still upset by her leaving and refused to take her advice.
One day my mind went blank, and I couldn't do anything. I felt so weak I couldn’t even study the Fa. I knew my bad thoughts and feelings had come to torture me, but I just could not manage to remove them. I repeated over and over, “Falun Gong is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good” till I fell asleep.
The next day when my coordinator came to pick up new materials, I told her about my fear, anger, and jealousy. I felt better after talking about it, but I still felt wronged. I said to myself, “I am Master Li Hongzhi’s disciple. I will be his disciple forever.” I even shouted it out to try to resolve the bad thoughts.
The next day the coordinator came by again and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was better and that I felt like I had had a serious illness but had now recovered. It seemed Master had removed a lot of bad matter for me.
Master said in Zhuan Falun:
“And when you can really do it, just like that worn and weary traveler, you’ll see, 'the shade of willows, the blooms of flowers, a place to rest my head'!”
After having shared with the coordinator, I no longer resented Ms. Feng. I thought that if I kept hating her, it would be the same as hating Master. I realized Master arranged for her to leave because she had a more important mission someplace else. Suddenly, my deeply-rooted jealousy of Ms. Feng was completely gone.
Working As a Coordinator
Sadly, the coordinator for my production site was arrested this year. I was scared and worried a lot. I logged on to the Minghui website every day to check for any news about her. Several days passed with no news about her whereabouts or condition; no one knew anything about her!
The coordinator’s work then fell to me. Every week I had to produce truth clarification materials and pack them up. I also needed to coordinate with other practitioners about how much printing paper and other supplies they had to purchase to make the DVDs and brochures.
Another task involved uploading the roster of people who had agreed to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) to the Epoch Times website. I also had to print Falun Gong messages on currency and fulfill the coordinator's other responsibilities.
I was soon at my wits' end! I was extremely tired and hoped the coordinator would be released and return quickly. When I looked within, I found that all I really wanted was to avoid responsibility. I did not want to shoulder so much work, and I didn’t want to apply myself. I felt that my brain was messed up! I thought, "Maybe I don’t fit this job."
But then I told myself that, even if I wasn’t good enough to be a coordinator, I had to do it anyway. I had to adjust my mentality in order to walk the straight path Master had arranged. With Master’s care and guidance, my attachments were relinquished.
Several months passed, and my job as coordinator started to go well. I delivered materials once or twice a week. I used a suitcase or simply carried them on my shoulders. I worked very hard, and both my chest and back were sore. I thought it was due to delivering the heavy materials.
Master said:
“Even with just one Dafa disciple, if your righteous thoughts are strong, the power is enough to split a mountain—just one thought will do it.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple”)
I realized that having this physical reaction was just an ordinary notion that was blocking me. I knew that I could change it and thought about my own cultivation journey.
I climbed from the first floor to the sixth with over 1000 DVDs on my back. Though I could not straighten my back right away and my legs were shaking with fatigue, I felt so happy after delivering them!
The thought often arises: “You are so lucky to have found such a good Master and the Fa teachings. You’d better not miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Do well with your cultivation. Treasure this opportunity and do not waste it!”
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Category: Improving Oneself
