(Minghui.org) There was a time when I was deeply troubled by negative thoughts, and even felt weary of the world . Sometimes, I felt a large dark and heavy substance sitting on my mind, which made it difficult to breathe. I struggled to get rid of it by reciting the Fa and sending forth righteous thoughts. But it only worked temporarily. The negative thoughts emerged again and again, as if they were supplied with energy by something deeply hidden.
Excuse of Not Wanting to Go to Extremes
Master's words helped me remember to look repeatedly inward. I eventually found the root cause for the attachments that generated my weariness.
I found negativity and resentment in me. My fellow Falun Dafa practitioners who slacked off in their cultivation seemed to make me negative and resentful.
Master told practitioners that the Fa-rectification has not concluded because some practitioners have not reached the requirement for consummation, and not enough sentient beings have been saved. Consequently, Master has had to postpone the ending of the Fa-rectification again and again.
Based on my knowledge of my fellow practitioners' cultivation state, what Master said was so true. They had given fame and fortune higher priority than to Master's requirements. They treated good living conditions as a prerequisite to offering salvation to sentient beings. While enjoying fame and fortune they had already gained, they continued other material pursuits, and used “conforming to ordinary people” as an excuse. When fellow practitioners tried to point out their problem, they argued it was because they did not want to go to extremes. They refused to face their attachments.
My grievance against these fellow practitioners and my longing for the end of the Fa-rectification made me feel weary. My agony was aggravated by the old forces who generated negativity and resentment, which brought about my slacking off.
Demonic Interference
I further pondered on my negativity and resentment, and found my attachments to time and consummation. I had no interest in anything worldly, including marriage and a career. Consummation was my only pursuit in life. When the time to reach my goal was prolonged, I was bored, and became resentful of those standing in my way.
My grievance against these fellow practitioners was not out of compassion for sentient beings, but because I felt that they had wasted my time. I thought I had sacrificed my youth, but still didn't know when it would end. It was a clear indication of my attachment to time and consummation.
Following this line of thought, I believed to be better than my fellow practitioners. I thought I was diligent and unworldly, and never thought I belonged to those who delayed the process of Fa-rectification. My arrogance and self-complacency were actually demonic interference from my own mind, which is very dangerous. On the other hand, I felt I had sacrificed more than other practitioners, especially compared to those around my age.
Impurity of Conditional Cultivation
Many young practitioners have fallen behind. I thought that Master had patiently waited for them, yet their behavior was disappointing, and I was angry at them. Even those who were still cultivating had strong attachments. They were blessed with a lot of talent and energy, but they used it on pursuing worldly goals, and wasted the time Master had prolonged for them. I thought it was unfair because I owned nothing, and sacrificed so much, but suffered the consequences because of them.
I asked myself why I did not want to sacrifice more than others. Searching deeper I found my fear of loss, mentality of vying, jealousy, tendency to look for others' faults, intolerance, and the indoctrination of the Party and its belief in equalitarianism. Worst of all, I had treated my position as a Dafa disciple as my sacrifice by ordinary people's standard.
Searching further, I could not believe what I found. Under the name of my “thinking about the big picture” and “concerned over sentient beings” was my attachment to personal pursuit. It turned out the basis of my cultivation and offering salvation to sentient beings was to cater to my liking and criteria. I was only willing to sacrifice for what I wanted. My cultivation turned out to be conditional and with pursuit. My mentality was essentially the same as of those who pursued material goals. The basis of my cultivation was impure.
To see if this was correct, I studied my behavior in different situations. I found myself happy when I saw my fellow practitioners being diligent, and sad to see the opposite. My happiness and sadness were not out of selflessness and altruism, but because I was worried that not enough numbers of people would be saved without my fellow practitioners' work.
My attachment appeared to be over-reliance on others, but it was actually my failure to cultivate myself according to Dafa's criteria. I used other practitioners' diligence as motivation for my own diligence. That's why I felt discouraged when others slacked off, and couldn't feel the joy of my cultivation and the urgency of offering salvation to sentient beings.
Systematic Inward Search Successful
If I could cultivate myself without any pursuit, I would not be affected by other practitioners' behaviors, or feel happy or sad no matter how long it takes. Without pursuit, there would be no feeling of sacrifice, and nobody or nothing would be able to keep me from being diligent.
My well-hidden attachments have been found by systematically looking inward. They have been taken advantage of by the old forces and generated resentment, negativity and weariness of the world, aiming to destroy my will. All these attachments had the same starting point, my focus on self. Selfishness was the root of all these attachments. My effort in doing the three things to ease the pain of weariness was actually a pursuit, too. That's why it only worked superficially, but couldn't touch the root of my attachments, and ended up providing energy to the evil.
Never Doubt Our Power, No Matter Its Appearance
In a dream, Master tried to enlighten me with an analogy. Master taught a class and gave me a cake in a triangular shape. He told me to distribute a piece of cake to everyone in the class after I had gotten rid of the bad section of the cake. I could not tell which part was bad, so Master cut the cake and handed me the good section. I was confused, as the piece Master handed me was only big enough for one person, so how could I share the leftovers with close to 20 fellow practitioners?
After looking inward, I realized that the cake in my dreams symbolized my loftiness. Even though it had a good part, which let me stay away from any material pursuit, it also had a bad part, which made me intolerant of those fellow practitioners with material pursuits. I had to get rid of the bad part. It wasn't difficult, because Master had already cut it off for me.
However, I couldn't understand the meaning of distributing a tiny piece of cake at first. My mother, also a Dafa practitioner, told me that Milarepa had left a piece of cotton-cloth and a lump of sugar before he consummated, and instructed people to cut the cloth and sugar with a knife. No matter how many times they cut, the cloth and sugar were never exhausted. It dawned on me that Master had asked me to share the good part with my fellow practitioners, and never doubt my power no matter how tiny it looked. If I could help fellow practitioners improve collectively out of my unselfishness, what I share must be inexhaustible!
I realized that I must understand, tolerate, and help fellow practitioners without any reservation. The purpose of my life is for others!
My weariness of the world, my negativity and resentment were uprooted! I finally realized my improvement was exactly what Master and fellow practitioners had been waiting for!
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