(Minghui.org) I would like to share my recent experience with fellow practitioners in the hopes it can be helpful to those who are faced with sickness karma.
Every year, my work unit arranges for a physical exam for employees. My husband, who works in the same unit, insisted that I go for the tests. I didn’t want to turn it into a battle, so I consented. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure.
I realized at once it was the old forces attempting to persecute me, using my husband to force me to seek medical help in order to mess up my body, which had already been purified by Master.
My husband, a scholar and a scientist specializing in empirical studies, has been poisoned by atheism and materialism. The concept of cultivation is beyond his comprehension and acceptance.
For my so-called high blood pressure, I knew he would insist on my going to the hospital, so I tried to explain to him in ordinary people’s words that he could understand.
I said, “You know, my blood pressure has always been fine. It’s only because the weather lately has been so unpredictable, so I am feeling the symptoms of an oncoming cold, my heart beats a little fast, and my blood pressure becomes a bit abnormal. I’ll be okay in a few days.”
In my heart, I appealed to Master, “Master, I must have a big loophole that the old forces are trying to take advantage of. I will look carefully inward. Please grant me support and forbid the evil to have its way.” So, where had I gone wrong?
I remember my first thought upon receiving news of the diagnosis was that the old forces would use my husband to persecute me. So, it must be my attachment to the fear of being persecuted.
My mind went back to the years after my retirement. My husband and I had moved to this city thousands of miles from where our son works. I threw myself into Fa-rectification projects wholeheartedly while there.
I then found out that the city had installed a new surveillance system where the old, the handicapped, and the infirm who receive a meager stipend from the government, had been forced out to the streets to act as spies and snitches. They would hurry over to watch, to listen, and to eavesdrop whenever they saw people standing and talking.
At once my mind was unsettled, “Have I fallen from the frying pan into the fire? It has taken me two years to remove myself from this close scrutiny. Am I being thrown into a different but the same environment again?”
I could see how the old forces took note of such fear, “So you think you have landed in a safe place, that you are afraid of being persecuted. So we’ll have the people close to you persecute you and even take away your life!”
My husband informed everybody in my family about my high blood pressure. One of my younger sisters has been a practitioner since 2000. I wanted to solicit her help.
But, she scolded me over the phone, saying, “You are afraid of your husband. This is directed at your fear. I won’t help you. This is what you have to resolve yourself. This has nothing to do with anybody else.”
When I put the phone down, my heart was in a turmoil. I was upset with my sister who knew I had tried for years to overcome my fear toward my husband.
I remembered she had said to me, “Big sister, actually, you have no fear of your husband. In 2000 when the evil Party was furiously persecuting Falun Gong, you had gone to Tiananmen Square by yourself despite strong protests from your husband. We were all shocked when we got news of your arrest, because we all knew you’ve always been such a timid person and such an obedient wife.
“Then, you insisted on practicing Falun Gong no matter how much pressure, the threat from your husband, your family, the government. You refused to compromise. You refused to admit you made a mistake with Falun Gong. You refused to make or sign a statement to guarantee you wouldn’t continue with the practice.
“You dared to defy your husband. You completely disregarded the fact that you were undermining your husband’s status and reputation as a senior leader in his unit in charge of an important national research project. Would you have done all you did if you truly feared your husband?”
My sister was right. It wasn’t my husband that I feared but his overwhelming scientific knowledge and irrational atheistic rhetoric that ordinary society so admire and respect.
Since the beginning of our marriage, I had subconsciously allowed myself to come under his mind control. At that time, I was bombarded daily by his many and varied trivial questions that seemed to pop up from nowhere.
He would ask:
“You have spent 10 minutes longer today grocery shopping. Where have you been?”
“I found a pen on the dining table. Were you writing down something?”
“There’s a scratch at the back of your hand. How did it happen?”
“You look distracted. What have you been thinking about?”
All such mundane questions appeared to be quite ordinary, but their frequency and insistency had become rather problematic for me.
During the early years of our marriage, my husband had also fallen victim to his own obsessive questioning. He would even go to neighbors seeking answers, causing undue disturbances, but nobody could talk to him about that behavior.
Eventually, his mental anxiety became manifested into physical problems. He would experience stomachaches, convulsions, and even severe and painful spasms all over his body.
To maintain some semblance of peace and harmony, I gradually let go of my own life, forgetting my own needs, forfeiting personal space, and abandoning all social relationships.
Every day, I would anxiously anticipate his need to question, and would make mental plans to provide satisfactory responses, thus turning myself into a complete case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
In my several decades of marriage, that obsessive-compulsive state had seeped deep down into my bones and subconscious, so that despite my great efforts after I started Dafa cultivation, I have not been able to extract myself from this quagmire and mental predicament.
I immediately sent my sister a short message, thanking her. My sister’s prompt response was, “Big sister, I believe you will do the right thing!”
Her words gave me tremendous strength. I realized how much we need fellow practitioners’ understanding, encouragement, and support in times of need. I also realized if we look inward to uncover attachments and make genuine efforts to eliminate them, evil has no power over us, and Master will not allow it.
I settled down to rectify myself. I sent forth strong righteous thoughts: “I am Master’s disciple, a Dafa disciple. I’m here to help Master in Fa-rectification. I will only walk the path designated by Master. Nobody has power over me. I will not allow ordinary people to dictate or manage my affairs. I will also make sure ordinary people will not commit crimes against Dafa because of my loopholes and inadequacies…” I made a sincere plead to Master for His help and support.
The following days, my husband stopped nagging me about my blood pressure. He readily accepted my reasoning that I was just experiencing symptoms of a cold because of the fluctuation in the weather.
His ready acceptance stemmed from the fact that he has suffered from high blood pressure for years and is in the habit of checking his own blood pressure every day, and knows he also has higher blood pressure when he has a cold.
I had already made plans to visit our son. The day before I was to leave, my husband took me to the hospital to seek out a specialist who became alarmed after measuring my blood pressure.
She proclaimed, “You can’t go on a plane with that high a blood pressure. You should cancel the trip.”
So, my husband said to me, “You should listen to the specialist. Stay home and get treatment.” I comforted him, “Isn’t there a reputable hospital where our son lives? I can go there for treatment. They have better facilities there.”
And so, my husband bought me a blood pressure measuring kit and sent me on my way. That evening, he called to find out my blood pressure reading. When I told him the truth that it was 149:96, he was relieved.
The next day, I was on a bus. The air conditioning was in full blast. I started worrying.“ It’s so freezing here. Will I catch a cold and have my condition aggrevated further, raising my blood pressure even more?”
But, as soon as the thought arose, I knew it was not righteous. I stopped it at once and began to look inward. Right away, I realized I still have been harboring a deep attachment: I was afraid of the cold.
I was 20 years old when I underwent treatment for dysmenorrhea and lost a lot of blood due to a drug misuse that in turn caused my body to completely collapse.
Since then, I constantly suffered from chills and caught cold easily with coughs that would last for three to five months. I needed to take Chinese herbal medicine all year round to maintain my health.
Things improved after I started Falun Gong practice, although I still feel chilled and so will generally wear more clothes than others. I looked upon my condition as tribulation I have to bear or karma I have to overcome for the elevation of my xinxing.
All at once, I came to a realization how strong and deep-seated that attachment has been. It was Master’s merciful grace that I have continued to do the three things without slacking up.
Then and there on the bus, under attack by the frigid air conditioning, I sent forth a powerful righteous thought: “I am a diamond tempered by intense flames. Let all evil disintegrate!” I kept up the thought until I got off the bus.
That night, when I shared the good news with my husband that my blood pressure measured a normal 127:83 range, he was happy and relieved.
I said to my husband over the phone, “I really want to thank you. You didn’t force me to take medicine. I also want to thank you for telling me repeatedly when I often complain about the cold and dampness, that I have a psychological problem. I didn’t believe you. Now, I realize you have been right all along. I especially want to thank you for all your concern and care over me all these years. I truly, truly thank you!”
At the other end of the line, I could feel my husband was taken aback but deeply moved. He said after a long pause, “These dozens of years, I’ve never heard you speak like this, with such sincerity.”
He’s right. Through the years, my feeling toward his “control” has been one of resentment. I used to consider whatever he says and whatever he does as pressure he tried to impose on me.
Now, I am able to take a step back and look at things from his perspective and realize he really has been looking out for my welfare.
Master says: “Shan is really powerful.” (Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Singapore)
I now realize if we can cultivate “Shan,” genuine Compassion, in our heart then we are able to better save people. I was able to thank my husband with genuine Compassion from my heart and he could feel my “Shan.”
For those fellow practitioners having difficulties overcoming sickness karma, perhaps it is because you haven’t been able to uncover your attachments as they have been buried into your bones to have become your habits of thinking and acting.
Perhaps it is time to grasp tightly onto your every uncomfortable feeling and notion, and scrutinize each of them. Look deeply inward and you may just be able to dig out those nagging problems.
What I wrote is but what I enlightened to at my level. Please kindly point out any inadequacy or mistake.
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Category: Improving Oneself
